Marlowe Viccellio: [in jail] I wasn't sure you'd come.
Carlton Lassiter: I'm a man of my word.
Marlowe Viccellio: I'm so sorry. I wish I...
Carlton Lassiter: Look, you did what you thought you had to do. If there's an upside to any of this, it's that your brother will finally get the care he needs now that he's going to be in the system for a long, long, long time.
Carlton Lassiter: Can I ask you something?
Marlowe Viccellio: Anything.
Carlton Lassiter: Where would you rate "Pink Cadillac" in the Eastwood canon?
Marlowe Viccellio: Not very high, I'm afraid. I mean, I suppose it's good as a companion piece to "City Heat", but he's much funnier with the orangutan.
[Lassiter turns away, hastily scribbles a note on a scrap of paper, then turns back around and presses the note against the glass]
Lassiter's Note: My dear Marlowe, I will wait for you these six to eighteen months. See you next Wednesday.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Mr. Spencer, if I may. What we're looking at is someone who is capable of vamp speed, or present space quantum leap.
Shawn Spencer: Blacula gives a shout out to Bakula.
Marlowe Viccellio: So you gonna tell me about yourself or not?
Carlton Lassiter: Well... you already know my name. I come here to, uh... unwind because my job can be intense. I often dream I'm Clint Eastwood.
Marlowe Viccellio: Even in "Bloodwork"?
Carlton Lassiter: Mostly "Heartbreak Ridge".
Marlowe Viccellio: Please continue.
Carlton Lassiter: I'm somewhat recently divorced. I believe there is little to no room for interpretation when it comes to the United States Constitution, and I have an unusually high threshhold for pain.
Juliet O'Hara: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Carlton Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner.
[to Shawn and Gus]
Carlton Lassiter: I owe you two nothing, and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn Spencer: [dressed up like Lestat] I'm dangerous... in a sexy way.
Marlowe Viccellio: More like in a gay way.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Well, I'm straight up iconic.
Marlowe Viccellio: I wouldn't call Count Chocula an icon.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm Blacula! And you're going to be under arrest, you succubus!
Carlton Lassiter: The girl, McNab! What did you find out about the girl I met last night?
Buzz McNab: I might need a little bit more to go on, sir.
Carlton Lassiter: What do you need? What more do you need? I told you, she's blonde and pale and perfect and beautiful and perfect! So get me a name and get me an address... and get me some aspirin.
Shawn Spencer: What did I tell ya', no one remembers Blacula except us and Quentin Tarantino.
Shawn Spencer: [Trying to open the door to Lassiter's house] Gus gimme your credit card.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [Gives Shawn his credit card]
Shawn Spencer: Alright. Jules, kick the door in.
Shawn Spencer: Listen, Jules, just don't beat yourself up. You can't possibly be expected to control whether or not Gus and I surreptitiously follow you after you get a call during breakfast.
Juliet O'Hara: But I specifically told you not to follow.
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] I thought she said "farrow."
Juliet O'Hara: [to Gus] "Farrow" is not a word. I said follow. He knows I said follow.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I wasn't there, but farrow is most definitely a word.
Shawn Spencer: Thank you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It means to birth a calf or a litter of pigs.
Juliet O'Hara: Okay, fine. Why would I ask Shawn not to birth a calf or a little of pigs?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't know.
Carlton Lassiter: Please tell me why they're at my crime scene!
Shawn Spencer: Lassie, it is not Jules' fault. She told me not to follow her and I thought she was telling me not to be pregnant with swine.
Juliet O'Hara: To Shawn and Gus: Wow! You guys are actually devolving.