Sarah Palin: I just hope tonight the lame-stream media won't twist my words by repeatin' them verbatim.
Weekend Update Anchor: The White House on Tuesday revealed that Osama Bin Laden was not armed when Navy SEALS found him, but they say he did resist them. Hey White House - armed, unarmed, not resisting, holding a bunny - We're totally cool with you shooting Bin Laden.
Weekend Update Anchor: In the wake of President Obama's decision to not release pictures of Osama Bin Laden's body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing, claiming that Bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.
Weekend Update Anchor: In the wake of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows that there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent.
Weekend Update Anchor: A 100-year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend. I dunno dude, one woman for the rest of your life?
Weekend Update Anchor: This week, children at more than 1,700 schools in North America sang the song, 'I Wanna Play,' at the same time. Simultaneously, in China, over a billion kids were doing math.
Weekend Update Anchor: Well, somewhere, high above us, there are 72 super bummed-out virgins.
Weekend Update Anchor: Al Qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of Osama Bin Laden. They also announced that, as a result, Monday will be a half-day.
Weekend Update Anchor: It was announced Monday that the Black Eyed Peas will hold a free concert in Central Park this summer. A free Black Eyed Peas concert? That's just too true to be good.
Weekend Update Anchor: In order to reduce the risk of Listeria bacteria, the Center for Disease Control has been warning people over the age of 50 to heat cold cuts. Or as they will now be known, 'cuts.'