Gallagher: Mad as Hell (1981 TV Special)
Gallagher: Well, you gotta get mad about this stuff. I'm doing all the gettin' mad for all you people. Why ain't you mad Christmas don't come at a better time of the year? It comes right in the middle of the holidays, when you're busy.
Gallagher: Why do people who are clever and intelligent use their cleverness and their intelligence to get out of work?
Man in audience: That's why they're clever.
Gallagher: No it isn't. That's why they're fat.
Gallagher: Now if it ain't sex, what is it gang? Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. You ain't American unless you drinkin' a beer. All the time, have a beer. Damn it, any damn time is the time for Bud. Bull shit.
Gallagher: Traffic court.
Gallagher: "Wait a minute, judge. Let me pop a cool one.
[mimes opening a beer can]
Gallagher: Weavin'? I can't even knit."
Gallagher: Well, ain't it stupid? I guess I get mad over stuff I shouldn't get mad about. But look at this Memorex commercial we've been watching for years. Now, is it any mystery that it's the tape? I mean, it's a Memorex commercial. What good would it do to go, "It was live! It was Ella! We didn't need the damn tape!" I don't know.
Gallagher: See, we're nuts. We buy weights, put 'em in the garage, have an electric garage door opener.
Gallagher: You ever decide to run a yellow light and a guy in front of you chickens out? That'll put a spot on the front seat.
Gallagher: I don't want you to get the idea that I experiment with drugs, cause I don't. I'm into full-scale research.