Blubberella

German director Uwe Boll has a reputation for prolifically turning out films that are, shall we say, unsatisfactory. He has worked with reputable actors and sizable budgets, yet all his films fail to convey, if anything, the joy of film making. It saddens me to say that the flick Blubberella epitomizes this total failure.

I have seen many bad movies in my life; some so bad they became good, some bad in a campy way, some just plain crap, but Blubberella is none of that. It is uninspired, clumsy (and not in a quaint way), fake and most of all BORING. Uwe Boll must have had his sense of humor surgically removed to be able to produce such an utterly unfunny comedy.

I can rage against bad films when they have redeeming qualities, or when there was a start of an idea, a good intention. Blubberella is just absolutely nothing.

Lindsay Hollister is the lead actress playing a half human / half vampire living in 1940 Nazi Germany... in her perfectly normal 2011 apartment with a smartphone, net access, Mac computer and I do know what insert Apple product here... Yes it's that kind of movie.

The movie is a shot for shot parody of Blood Rayne 3. I think you can guess what the joke is from that horrendous title.

Sadly this movie only works as an inside joke as all the "funny" bits were simply to change one thing from the shot of the original movie. If you don't have that movie memorize or even bothered to see it then you won't get the joke... and see how anti humor it is.

Make no mistake. This movie is offensive and the director went that extra mile to humiliate the lead actress for being plus size because.... I don't know maybe he thinks pointing at people that aren't stick figures is funny? It's a shame because she's actually good and totally wasted in this heap of trash.

Then you have Willam Belli who is simply FABULOUS! but no, here he is made to act the typical 90's gay friend and then black face... there is an actor with black face in a 2011 movie. I'm serious!

This movie was bad, offensive and weird. If you know what you're in for then you'll get a few laughs out of it. Mostly for the wrong reasons but you can still have some stupid fun with it.

If on the other hand you are unfamiliar with this director's work or blood rayne then take out your electric fan and will the stench of this heap away. You WILL hate it .

This film obviously had a budget. They filmed on location in Croatia, more sets than I can remember, and even paid Ron Howard's creepy bro to be horrible in it- but how does this film get made??? Set in WWII but there are laptops, they have sex with clothes on but it's supposed to be real with orgasm, they are slapping people as a running gag but it was never funny. The editing was so disjointed...or was it the actual plot. And just because you're fat doesn't necessarily mean you are funny. A fat dancing woman isn't always funny either. All these over-the-top characters aren't funny because the actors don't go all the way with them. They don't have the training and confidence so it doesn't fly. And people are drifting in and out of accents so you don't know if it's a gag or if they are just bad. I say it's all bad, an unfunny comedy with a terrible plot, horrid acting and disjointed filmmaking.

I have seen a lot of bad pictures over my 50+ years, but this one absolutely takes the cake. I have seen all of Ed Wood's terrible movies, and even those are better than this. At least Wood's movies were laughable, albeit unintentionally. This movie tries to get laughs, gets none, and is possibly the most tedious, boring and useless movie ever put to celluloid. Rarely will I walk out on a movie less than a third of the way into it, but this movie is so bad, it was actually painful to watch. I feel bad for Ronny Howard's brother, who must have been desperate for work to have taken this acting job. This movie is a colossal waste of time. Even if you are bored to tears, this would only make it worse!

I thought I've seen the worst of film. Yet Ewe Boll manages to take the title ONCE AGAIN. In a story that was written by a horny bi-curious teenager, "Bluberella" is a 90-minute failure that couldn't be enjoyed by a stoned 20-something college student (and they can enjoy A LOT). Not even fit for the independent venue, this "film" wouldn't get a "D" in an Intro to Fiction class. A mixture of ad-lib dialog tied with random shots and a C+ actor (Clint Howard), this film not only leaves much to be desired, but a basic foundation of cinema as well. If Boll wanted to fight me as he so often said he would to his "critical reviewers", I would gladly take the opportunity to put this so-called director in his place. Your move, Mr. Boll, Your move...