Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: I go crazy in this house, living with nut jobs.
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: [about Vinny] He's my big brother. I love him. But usually you don't have sex with your big brother.
Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: If you're looking good, you're feeling good. If you're feeling good, you get good results.
Jenni Farley: [flipping through a book] Junk. Junk.
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: I am drunk. I don't give a shit.
Jenni Farley: No, junk.
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: Oh...
Vinny Guadagnino: If you've got the phatest gear and no one can come into your atmosphere. Then you're a part of T-shirt time and you will be until we yell; 'cabs are here'!
Vinny Guadagnino: Yo tits! I mean, Jenni. Are you in the bathroom?
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: So Jenni comes out in her outfit and I'm like; 'this girl's a whore'. But that's why I love her.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro: I'm like sitting there with Sam, waiting to dance and all of a sudden she's like; 'all right. We've got to go'. I'm like; 'what? Like, it's 3:15am. I just got here'. And somebody pissed all over my parade. All over my parade.
Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: [to a girl who wasn't D.T.F] Don't come over at somebody's house at 5am and expect to just watch and play checkers!
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: So I walk out into the kitchen, there's frigging Firemen here. One; tall, you know? Tan and he looked Italian. So I would've smushed that, yes.
Paul 'Pauly D' DelVecchio - DJ Pauly D: Yo, want to know something that's crazy? At one point we all didn't know any of us. Like, you know what I'm saying? Now look at us. We know each other's flaws. We know how to push each other's buttons. We all know know what Snook's cooka looks like.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro: I think all of our arguments are mainly because of Sam. She starts 99% of the fights. It's like, what the fuck?
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: I'm a whore? Hello. I made-out with Pauly, made-out with Mike and tried to have sex with Vinny. So... whatever.
Jenni Farley: Everyone. I mean, everyone. Somehow everyone's hooked up in this house.
Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi: We're nymphos!
Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: [on the phone] Yeah. I've got a situation, sir. My car has been, uh... uh... uhhhhh...
Vinny Guadagnino: [in Mike's ear] -Towed.
Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino: Towed!
Vinny Guadagnino: [on his way to the Impound with Mike] We're asking for directions. We're dodging cars. Dodging raindrops. This is like the Guido's version of the Amazing Race.