Ari Gold: I gave you 100 million dollars. You agreed to not go over!
Vincent Chase: Because you said I couldn't direct unless we agreed.
Johnny Chase: It's like when a girl asks if you want to bang her hot sister. Of course you say 'no' but neither of you really believes you mean it, though.
Ari Gold: What is he doing here?
Eric Murphy: We can't finish the movie without money.
Ari Gold: Really? Because I thought we could finish it with Fruit Loops.
Eric Murphy: You're funny. But did you tell Vince, because he's on his way to editing.
Ari Gold: I'm telling you. Because it is your job, along with going over budget and being short, to tell him these things.
Ari Gold: Hey, Liam!
Liam Neeson: Go fuck yourself, Ari.
Ari Gold: Forgive and forget, buddy, no?
[Liam flicks Ari off and drives away]
Ari Gold: Hey Schindler, leave no Jew behind!
Ari Gold: [on the phone with E] Don't hang- did you hang up on me? E! You fucking DWARF CUNT!
Ari Gold: Do you know how hard I have worked to avoid going to Texas? Do you know what they do to Jews in Texas?
George Takei: [at Lloyd's wedding] The commitment that these two men are about to make is the most important commitment anyone can make.
Ari Gold: If you're not gay, Lloyd, now would probably be the time to say so.
George Takei: And if you are, Ari, this is probably your time.
Ari Gold: Don't kid yourself, Sulu.
Ari Gold: Did I tell you the Jewish Journal just named me "Best Looking Circumcised Studio Head"?
Larsen McCredle: This man treated my son like a horse's ass, which he is, but that's not really the point. You said you had a son, Gold?
Ari Gold: I do. He's 12.
Larsen McCredle: Well I hope when he grows up he's not a complete and utter fuckin' buffoon like mine, but just in case he is, I hope the people that respect you at least pretend to respect him.
Eric Murphy: [after drinking Drama's drug cocktail] I feel strange.
Billy Walsh: Strange how?
Eric Murphy: My dick gets hard every time a girl looks at me.
Billy Walsh: Like today or always?
Mrs. Ari: It's 2 AM. You sat down to watch this movie at midnight.
Ari Gold: I'm mentally prepping. I'm gonna start now. Wanna join me?
Mrs. Ari: You said I couldn't.
Ari Gold: Well you can blow me through it in case it sucks.
Ari Gold: Travis, have you met Emily Ratajkowski?
Travis McCredle: No, but I feel like we already know each other. I saw your Sports Illustrated spread on the plane. That looked cold; was that cold?
Emily Ratajkowski: It was.
Travis McCredle: Well, it was still hot.
Ed O'Neill: Hey Ari, tell me you're not parking there.
Ari Gold: It's my studio, Ed. Don't force me to revoke your parking privileges!
Ed O'Neill: Fucking asshole!
Bob Saget: Hey Vince, buddy, I need a favor - I need you to fuck my daughter's friend so I don't have to.
Johnny Chase: You might want to put me in Iron Man 3.
Jon Favreau: We did 3. 4 would be next.
Johnny Chase: Iron Man 4! Downey's great don't get me wrong, I love Downey; he's just a little long in the tooth. I think you wanna go younger, man.
Jon Favreau: If I recall, you're 5 years older than him.
Larsen McCredle: Ari, we sure do 'preciate you comin' out here all this way.
Ari Gold: Oh, of course.
Larsen McCredle: You been on the job nearly 8 months and hadn't payed us a visit. We're beginning to feel unloved.
Ari Gold: I didn't know I was invited.
Larsen McCredle: Oh, anybody spends my money like you do is always invited to my home to tell me why.
Ronda Rousey: You couldn't last 30 seconds with me if your life depended on it. I could really hurt you, Turtle.
Turtle: So I last 30 seconds, you let me take you out on a proper date.
Ronda Rousey: Last 60 seconds and I'll let you fuck me.
Turtle: How much time?
Johnny Chase: 3 seconds!
[Ronda kicks Turtle to the ground]
Piers Morgan: So, you came to Hollywood first?
Johnny Chase: I was the trailblazer.
Piers Morgan: And then Vince followed.
Johnny Chase: With Turtle - they lived in my house, rent free for the first year.
Piers Morgan: But as I understand it, you now live in Vince's house?
Johnny Chase: I'm 40 years old and can quite possibly get an Oscar nom this year. Why the f### would I live at my baby brother's house?... I'm just staying there 'til my roof gets re-shingled.
Turtle: Jesus Christ, this guy snuck into another relationship.
Eric Murphy: It's not a relationship. I'm just having fun.
Johnny Chase: Fun is when you forget a girl's name while you're fucking her.
Ari Gold: [about Travis] He doesn't like Drama. He wants to cut him out.
Vincent Chase: Johnny?
Ari Gold: Yeah.
Mark Wahlberg: That's fucked up, Vince. I'm gonna do my reality show the Wahlbergers right now at A&E - if they tried to cut out my mother, I'd kill somebody, even if she sucked as bad as Drama probably sucks.
Larsen McCredle: I see for you, I know this movie is enormous. It fails, you go down in flames quicker than the Hindenburg. To me, this is just another check.
Travis McCredle: I know we met before but what is your involvement in this again?
Eric Murphy: I'm the producer of the movie.
Vincent Chase: And he's my manager.
Travis McCredle: OH! Yeah, uh, you were the guy on Piers Morgan spinning pizza dough, right? Vince, you take care of more people than the Red Cross, huh?
Ari Gold: Vincent Chase is great in this movie.
Travis McCredle: Bullshit, he sucks. His too-pretty face ruins the fuckin' thing - it's distracting!
Ari Gold: How the hell are you gonna fix his face with editing?
Travis McCredle: I guess I'm not! Which is why I told my father we should just bite the bullet, put some more money into this thing, and reshoot it with new actors and a different director.
Ari Gold: Hmph, reshoot. You have any idea what that'll cost?
Travis McCredle: That's your job to figure out! But I'll bet that there's a cheap way to do it digitally. Hell, I saw Tupac Shakur in concert last year - that guy's been dead twenty years!
[squeezes whipped cream into his mouth]
[at couples therapy]
Ari Gold: I promised my wife that if she let me go back to work, it would be nothing but fun and it has been. I do almost nothing but smile all day. And the anger meds didn't make me calm, they just made me not able to cum, which just made me angry, and just made my wife sore. Now, currently I am a little bit stressed about this giant movie because I haven't been able to see it until yesterday - thank God it's FUCKING amazing. But suddenly this little punk bitch version of Forrest Gump thinks that he has the authority to weigh in on cutting my movie star director's brother, and his fucking Foghorn Leghorn of a father won't call me back to tell me that he doesn't, so yes, I am a tiny, TINY bit stressed, which is normal, no?
Johnny Chase: Seriously bro, fuck Ari.
E: Yeah, fuck him.
Turtle: Fuck Ari.
Vincent Chase: Thanks guys.
[E receives a text]
E: It's Ari.
Johnny Chase: ...Think he heard us?
Ari Gold: [arriving at the screening] What did I do wrong with my life? Is this a normal Tuesday afternoon?
Eric Murphy: You should see our Wednesday parties.
Shauna: You are in four scenes, and you expect me to get you a magazine cover?
Johnny Chase: Scarlet Jo wasn't even on screen in Her, and she got a cover.
Shauna: If you had her tits, I could get you a cover.
Ronda Rousey: So, how long have you lived here?
Turtle: A couple of months. It came with all the furniture, so it feels lived in.
Ronda Rousey: So what's the deal Turtle, you selling coke these days?
Turtle: [taken aback] No. Why would you say that.
Ronda Rousey: I say that, because the last time I saw you, you were a fat pothead living off of Vince. Now, you live next to Spielberg.
Ari Gold: What did you spend the money on? I know it was not on Turtle and craft services.
Turtle: You like the new smelt frame?
Ari Gold: You look like Karen fucking Carpenter.
Andrew Dice Clay: Yo E, this place is sick. When did Vince buy it?
Eric Murphy: It's not Vince's. It's Turtle's.
Andrew Dice Clay: You're kidding me. How much did this fucking guy make?
Travis McCredle: Fuck me. Is that Emily Ratajkowski over there talking to Vinnie Chase?
Eric Murphy: Sure is.
Ari Gold: You want to meet her?
Travis McCredle: I want to marry her, but you have to start somewhere.
Ari Gold: Come on, Travis. You mean to tell me you didn't wait outside her house, after she told you goodnight, just to see if Vince showed up?
Travis McCredle: He fucking snuck in there after me. I put in a whole night.
Ari Gold: Wow, I wasn't 100% sure I was right.
Ari Gold: Travis doesn't really hate the movie. He hates Vince.
Travis McCredle: Dad, he is so full of shit.
Larsen McCredle: What did I say? You want a boot up your ass?
Travis McCredle: [sheepishly] No.
Ari Gold: Now, I have a son, so this is hard.
Larsen McCredle: Well speak god damnit.
Ari Gold: This whole thing is over a girl.
Larsen McCredle: What girl?
Travis McCredle: Dad.
Larsen McCredle: Shut up. What fucking girl?
Ari Gold: Emily Ratajkowski.
Johnny Chase: Look, all I'm saying is, you don't have to fall in love with every girl you fuck.
Eric Murphy: You know, what I'm saying is that, unlike you, I like to have more of a connection than weather or not I have exact change.
Johnny Chase: Please, I haven't paid for pussy in years... At least a year!