Grudge Match (2013)
Lightning: Hey Webster, show a little respect!
Dante Slate, Jr.: I choose to believe that you just called me Webster because of my dictionary-sized vocabulary, NOT because of my height and race!
Lightning: Nope, it's because you're short and black!
Dante Slate, Jr.: What was Jesus like? I'm curious. Was he cool?
Dante Slate, Jr.: I can get you a part in Hangover 4!
Evander Holyfield: I'm listening.
Mike Tyson: You sonofabitch!
[goes for Slate]
Dante Slate, Jr.: Wait, WAIT, WAIT!
Evander Holyfield: Guard your ears!
[Sharp throws a punch at a side of beef]
Lightning: HEY! What'cha doing? We're just here to buy a little dinner! You don't have to punch everything!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Where's Frankie?
Mikey: [Distracted from reading] Frankie's not coming till later. I'm your trainer, Mikey.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [looking at a fat man] You can't be my trainer. Maybe I believe you ATE my trainer
Mikey: [Knowing he's been insulted] Nice.
[Lightning brings a bucket of horse urine for Razor]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: I'm not putting my hands in horse urine!
Lightning: So you're telling me you're a better boxer than Jack Dempsey? Every day, Jack Dempsey would soak his hands in horse urine! And nobody ever had a tougher punch than Jack Dempsey!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: [resigned] Did you heat it up? Or is it fresh?
[dips his fists in the bucket]
Lightning: It's vinegar, I'm kidding!... It's urine!
[Razor pulls his fist out]
Lightning: It's vinegar!
Lightning: It's urine!
Lightning: It's vinegar!
Lightning: It's urine!
Lightning: It's vinegar!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Hey, come on!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: I banged his girlfriend. It was an error in judgement, look how it turned out...
Dante Slate, Jr.: This is some white people shit...
[Razor and Kid end up in prison]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Will one of you hurry up and rape this guy already?
Dante Slate, Jr.: Come on, Evander! So the man went batshit and bit your ear off, it's not like he enjoyed it!
Mike Tyson: It tasted like ass!
Dante Slate, Jr.: Hear that? You didn't taste good!
[at a skydiving stunt, Razor shoves Kid out of the plane]
Dante Slate, Jr.: You threw his old ass out the plane!
[Dante breaks into laughter]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Why are you laughing?
Dante Slate, Jr.: I forgot to tell you, first one down gets an extra five grand.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Shit!
Dante Slate, Jr.: I got a copy that wants an official rematch, they'll pay you a hundred grand!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Well, I can't be in the same room as that guy. It's not worth it.
Dante Slate, Jr.: The hell you mean, it ain't worth it? I'm looking at your house!
Dante Slate, Jr.: [his feet in a bucket] I gotta wash this vinegar off my feet. This is strong vinegar, it smells awful. This vinegar went bad!
Lightning: [splashes water on Razor] Time to train!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: What have I done?
[as the fight starts]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: [to the Kid] Gutsy move, going without a bra!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [to Razor] Yeah? I got a surprise for you: I took a dump on your porch!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Listen, uh, your thing. Turn it down.
Lightning: Oh, the hearing aid. Goddamn thing drives me crazy, feels like R2-freaking-D2!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Hey, you made me wait 30 years to prove to the world I could kick your ass! And that's what I'm going to do, kick your ass!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: You gotta move on!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: What, move on?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Move on!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Now that you got her, you want me to move on? And what do I got? Nothing, nothing!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Look at us!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Yeah, look at us! We're not dead! Everyone's laughing at us! The whole world's laughing at us! But we're not dead! In fact, I feel more alive now than I ever felt!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: [sees Kid on "Dancing with the Stars"] Now I wish I was blind in both eyes...
Lightning: [unwilling to have a male nurse] What kind of man knowingly takes a job where he's gotta wash another man's balls?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: He's a hero a far as I'm concerned, pal.
Dante Slate, Jr.: You don't know what a video game is? Exactly when did they unfreeze you, Captain America?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Captain America? You know, I could take you down a peg or two... but it looks like someone beat me to it.
Lightning: Why don't you have a TV? I watch "Dancing with the Stars"! I'm an old man, I need to watch "Dancing with the Stars"!
Dante Slate, Jr.: We are in Kardashian sex tape money, baby!
Lightning: Call it!
[throws a coin in the air]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Hey, I never saw it coming, come on...
[Lightning raises a hand, and slaps him]
Lightning: When were you going to tell me you were blind in one eye?
Lightning: [on the phone] Bullshit! Fix! Who paid off those judges?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Light! Light, we WON!
Lightning: What? Who did? What?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: We won!
Lightning: We won? Get the hell out of here!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Heh, no!
Lightning: Goddamn hearing aid!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: [during a casino promotion] Didn't you lose twenty thousand dollars betting here?
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Yeah, well, who loses the SuperBowl four times in a row?
Trey: What does BJ stand for?
B.J.: [embarrassed about his name] Uh...
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Trey, BJ stands for Butterscotch and Jellybeans.
Trey: I like butterscotch and jellybeans!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: You know, women are more verbal than men.
Sally Rose: Women are more verbal than men?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Yeah, I read it in a magazine article: "Women are More Verbal than Men".
Lightning: You doing real good, you big pussy!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: That's not helping.
Lightning: It's okay, I'm eight hundred years old, I say what I want.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: I wanted to see my old friend, he's been ducking me for thirty years! I missed him!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: It don't look like you're missing any meals. I'm outta here!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [wallops Sharp] No you're not!
[a fight starts]
Dante Slate, Jr.: This is not the behavior of old men!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Thank you, Jesus! Thirty years! Thirty goddamn years! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes! Yes!
[jumps around happily, then bends over gasping for breath]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: I gotta get in shape...
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [sees Razor after 30 years] I hope I don't look like that big of an ass...
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: I'm gonna fight.
Sally Rose: Don't let him use me to shame you into doing this.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: I'm not. I'm not. Not at all. I made so many mistakes, Sally. I made so many. Maybe I shouldn't have quit boxing 30 years ago. Maybe I should've spent more time with you. I ignored you so much. Maybe I could've forgiven you and helped raise your kid. Maybe I could've done so many things that I didn't do. I just don't wanna make any more mistakes. I'm done with that. I let him take from me the two things that mattered most: You and boxing. I just shut it out. I don't even have a TV. Can you believe that? Because I'm afraid I might flip to a fight by accident and be embarrassed, because I'm a fighter. I was born to be a fighter. I had some talent. I did. And I just walked away so early. I love you. Always have, always will. You're stuck with me, believe me. But I've always regretted not beating Kid at his best.
Sally Rose: No matter how hard you guys work, it won't be your best.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: It's the best we got.
Sally Rose: Then go kick his ass.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Well, since you put it like that, he's a dead man.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Today I'm announcing my retirement from professional boxing.
[cut to Kid walking down a street swearing viciously]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: The man's a coward! I'm gonna get my rematch. You hear me, Razor? I'm getting my ****ing rematch!
B.J.: [to Kid] You know, I was pissed off at my mom for not telling me about you, but I can see she was right about you.
Sally Rose: Don't make this fight with him about me!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Don't treat him like a baby, give him his balls back!
[as the fight begins]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Is this about you and me, or is about her?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: You and me!
Dante Slate, Jr.: Well, that's a relief!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: You remember the first thing you said to me? I did.
Lightning: I said you looked like a garbage salesman come to take out the trash.
Lightning: You know why I said that garbage thing? I didn't want your head to get swelled up, you were so goddamn good.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: You know, I know it was a long time ago, but... what happened? Really.
Sally Rose: You were everything in my life. Then Kid beat you. And you were different. And I was lost. And everything started to fall apart...
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Listen, this is ancient history. I put it behind me. And I don't wanna get emotional about it.
Sally Rose: I hope you've put it behind you.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: I just want to keep it calm... But why HIM? I mean, seriously, of all the people in the world? I can't get it through my head. I lay in bed at night, I want to pound my head against... I dream about killing this guy. Why HIM? He's the worst guy in the world. Why?
Sally Rose: Okay. Okay. Remember when you went to the Catskills to train? You wanted to be alone. You wouldn't return my calls. Six months turned into a year.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: I know that now, but I was focused on winning the title.
Sally Rose: I know that. I know that. But I was so in love with you. And I even flew up to surprise you. And then I saw you with that woman.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: I didn't know her. Nothing happened. I had no idea who she was, she just showed up.
Sally Rose: What did I know? I just wanted to hurt you as much as I thought you had hurt me. And so... Kid.
Dante Slate, Jr.: I got a kid in primary school, he's surrounded only by white kids! You know what that means? It means he owes people! He's already promised one kid a bar mitzvah! Do you know how much a bar mitzvah costs?
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: I wanna beat you!
[hurls a machine at Razor]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Come on, come on! Come on! Come on!
[Razor charges at Kid]
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [to BJ] Look, I know you got every right to hate me. And I don't blame you. But I need you now. I need you in my corner. You're the best person for me.
Lightning: Oh for God's sakes, call her up!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: What are you talking about?
Lightning: Deal with Sally, or your head won't be clear and she's gonna screw up your fight again!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: What do you mean, again?
Lightning: Oh, for God's sakes. A guy has sex with my girl, I want to knock his teeth out! Why didn't you?
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Because Kid loved boxing. I wanted to take from him the one thing he cared about most, because that's what he took from me.
Lightning: Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: You're my buddy. But be careful where you're going, because you don't know anything about it.
Lightning: Forgive me, but you keep talking about how much she meant to you. All I remember is you would show up at the gym first thing in the morning, you would be the last person to leave at night. You didn't have time for anybody or anything. You blamed her for ruining the relationship. Well, maybe the real problem was you.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [to Razor] How do you live with yourself, knowing that we tied? You never beat me!
Sally Rose: I was there, he kicked your ass!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: He kicked my ass, he only did that the second match because I was out of shape! The first match, I kicked his ass because I was in shape!
Sally Rose: You're pathetic!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Pathetic? Tell her! TELL HER!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: [to Sally] He wasn't ready.
B.J.: He's blind!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: What? How do you know?
B.J.: My mother told me!... What, you think she made it up? You've been hammering him since the fight began!
Dante Slate, Jr.: No tickets, no money.
Frankie Brite: You're the original media whore!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Your mother's a whore!
Frankie Brite: You called my mother a whore? You called my mother a whore? You called my mo...
[Kid punches him out]
Frankie Brite: You are planning on embarrassing yourself, Kid. A great performer knows when to leave the stage.
Lightning: We're gonna focus on your endurance and your speed, so you get so fast he's gonna crawl right back up into his mama's vagina.
[some female athletes stare at Lightning, scandalized]
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Hey, Light!
Dante Slate, Jr.: [his car doesn't work] Piece of shit!
Lightning: Not only did you put Sally at risk, if he finds out he can hit you on the right he can kill you!
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Then I go to my left. I need to do this, Light.
Lightning: Look, I know you're doing this for my sake. And I appreciate it, believe me. It's too dangerous. We gotta call off the fight.
Tranny Hooker: [Kid and Razor are dressed in green catsuits] You two some kind of superheroes?
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Yeah, I'm the Green Champion and he's the Emerald Superpussy.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [as BJ is walking away] Hey, what's BJ stand for? Hah?
B.J.: Bradley James. Stands for Bradley James. But I just... I like BJ.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: We all do, kid. But it's one thing to get one and it's another to be called one.
Lightning: [to Razor] Well, I'll never call you pussy again. Stupid maybe.
Dante Slate, Jr.: A man turns 60, all of a sudden he's washed up and you kick him out of the workplace? That may have been fine 100 years ago, when men were dying at the age of 50. But in this world, it's different. The elderly are strong. Their spirit is strong. And they have a voice. And that voice is in these two men, and they will be heard. Respect, bitches!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Why did you sleep with me?
Sally Rose: I was stupid.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Well, girls have slept with me for less. There was this one girl slept with me, she thought I was Marv Albert. Because my haircut was different.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: I turned my back, like, for a minute. That was it.
B.J.: Turn your back, in a bar? What'd you say to me? What did you say? You said, "Dinner, maybe a movie." Then you took my son to a bar!
Trey: Dad, it's not his fault, or the naked lady's...
B.J.: What? One night I ask you to step up like a father, and you can't keep it together.
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: Come on, BJ. Nobody got hurt. Everybody's okay. Come on...
B.J.: Everybody's okay? Who's okay? I'm not okay, Kid, all right? It's my son! He means everything to me! A concept you would never understand.
B.J.: [to McDonnen] Can I talk to you for a second? I'm your son. I thought maybe you could use a little help.
Lightning: [sees Razor and Sally together] Strange how life works out, huh? Oh, I'm flashing on to a stripper I knew once in Korea. She never charged me, not even for the most daring requests. I keep hoping I'd run into her again someday. Her and her ping-pong ball...
Henry 'Razor' Sharp: Ooh. Hey.
Lightning: I'm just saying, seeing the two of you together gives me hope.
[at the fight, Lightning gets out of his scooter]
Lightning: You see all that heat out there? I'm getting some snapper tonight!
Dante Slate, Jr.: I think I just threw up in my mouth...
Dante Slate, Jr.: [to Lightning] You think you're the only one who got ripped off? All my dad left me was a bad reputation!
Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen: [to Frankie] You set me up with that one trainer over there who's so full of shit he can't even hear a word I'm saying!
B.J.: Did you just fart?
[gets up and walks away, choking]
Sally Rose: I think we depressed the shit out of these pigeons...
Jim Lampley: Hello again, everybody, I'm Jim Lampley. Certain athletes are born enemies. Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier. Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. But the fiercest rivalry was be between two fighters from Pittsburgh with the names Razor and Kid.