Jay Pritchett: Give me the biggest cheeseburger you have. Instead of salad, I want fries, and instead of fruit, chilli fries.
Manny Delgado: I know what all of you are thinking: my jacket is wrinkled. I would have ironed it, but someone here thought it would be a great idea to use the iron to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
Luke Dunphy: I had bread. I had cheese. I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
Mitchell Pritchett: [They've lost Lily in a banana plantation] Why did you dress her in jungle prints?
Cameron Tucker: I thought it would be cute!
Mitchell Pritchett: She's gonna think she's back in Vietnam!
Claire Dunphy: Are you watching Gloria reflected in my sunglasses?
Phil Dunphy: Is she moving in slow-motion, or is that my imagination?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy would be that I would get to relax. But with the swimming and running and rowing... it's how some of my relatives came to this country.
Phil Dunphy: In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female... bear, giraffe, what have you... the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear: I don't condone eating your kids, although I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
Cameron Tucker: I like meeting new people. We still keep in touch with some of the people we've met. Like Elunga, this man we met while in safari in Tanzania. We send him some of our old T-shirts. He was a nice man when we met him, but from his latest pictures we suspect he's become a warlord.
Claire Dunphy: [At Jay's birthday dinner] Well, look who finally decided to join us. Where is your sister?
Alex Dunphy: She's in our bathroom; throwing up.
Claire Dunphy: What! What's the matter with her?
Alex Dunphy: I know you're not going to find this as funny as I do; but she's drunk.
[Jay is stuck in a hammock after his back gives out]
Jay Pritchett: I'm stuck. I laid down, my back went out.
Phil Dunphy: Oh. Well, don't you worry. We're gonna get you out of here. Grab on.
Jay Pritchett: Yeah, you know, Phil, this might not be the best...
Phil Dunphy: No, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna rock you. Like a hurricane. I'm kidding. You're too old to get that.
Manny Delgado: Don't you want to keep the room neat? We might have to entertain.
Luke Dunphy: Who would we entertain?
Manny Delgado: I saw twin girls over at the kid's club. I thought we might reserve a spot by the pool, send them a couple of virgin mai-tais. They might be interested in two sophisticated guys like us.
Luke Dunphy: [Wearing a shower cap and flippers and holding a hair dryer] I am a bathroom Martian. Beep boop beep! I come from the great toilet nebula. Beep boop bop beep!