- Shirley Bennett: Oh, they've got a class on jokes.
- Annie Edison: Don't take that. I dropped it after the lesson on set-ups. The professor is so old...
- [long, awkward silence]
- Shirley Bennett: So many classes. I don't know what to choose.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity. "Just pick one, they all cost the same".
- Jeff Winger: Pierce. I'd like to offer sincere congratulations. It's hard to find people you can stand, let alone someone willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Thank you, Jeff. I just hope she can satisfy me. I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.
- Jeff Winger: Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.
- Professor Sean Garrity: That was really beautiful. Actors dismissed. Uh, for homework, drink a glass of cognac in a bathtub.
- Jeff Winger: Why would a woman want a Plymouth on blocks when she could have a Testarossa with a six-speed stick?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Because my stick is ribbed for her pleasure.
- Jeff Winger: I think those are wrinkles.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I couldn't be more touched that you all threw us an engagement party.
- Shirley Bennett: You said if we didn't, you'd slash our tires.
- Wu Mei: [laughing] Ha, ha, ha. She is funny. Like Oprah.
- Shirley Bennett: Oprah's not a comedienne.
- Wu Mei: No, you are funny, and you are like Oprah.
- [laughing]
- Wu Mei: Heh, heh, heh. Yeah.
- Shirley Bennett: What?
- Wu Mei: Thank you.
- Abed Nadir: Britta's attracted to men in pain. It helps her pretend to be mentally healthy.
- Troy Barnes: Really?
- Abed Nadir: Yeah.
- Troy Barnes: I hadn't noticed.
- Abed Nadir: Troy?
- Troy Barnes: Hm?
- Abed Nadir: Nothing good can come of this.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, I'll have to think really hard about how to defuse the situation.
- Jeff Winger: How can you say those things without any trace of irony?
- Annie Edison: That's why they call me irony-free Annie.
- Jeff Winger: Mm, trust me, that's not what they call you.
- Jeff Winger: Well it's gotta be better than wine tasting with Pierce. He refused to drink pinot noir, because he thought it was French for "black penis."
- Professor Sean Garrity: Acting is revealing, expression. When we release pain, we become visible to each other, and that is an actor's job. That and, you know, pretending to be other people. Let's start with you. Access and share with us a profoundly deep and painful memory.
- Garrett Lambert: [closes eyes] I'm on the playground. Stop taunting me.
- [gasping]
- Garrett Lambert: I just want to go on the swings!
- [weeping]
- Professor Sean Garrity: Good. Early childhood is a treasure trove of pain.
- Garrett Lambert: That happened this morning.
- Jeff Winger: Lingering scent, full body, perfect nose.
- Wu Mei: Very nice wine.
- Jeff Winger: I was talking about you. Jeff Winger.
- [Jeff offers his hand]
- Wu Mei: [Mei shakes hands] Wu Mei Hong Long.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, what a lovely name for a lovely...
- Wu Mei: Uh... not interested. Please take weird haircut, stupid grin, and go sniff another dog's ass.
- Britta Perry: You said you guys just met?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yesterday, after wine tasting class I mentioned that her breasts were larger than most Asian women, and uh... we just got to talking.
- Wu Mei: Turns out Pierce has been to China many times.
- Troy Barnes: It's the only place to get fireworks too dangerous for Mexico.
- Pierce Hawthorne: No. I go to visit my factory. Hawthorne Wipes are the number-one towelette in Asia. Anyway, after a few minutes, we both just knew we were meant to be together forever. Or at least until she gets heavy.
- Wu Mei: And, uh, now we must leave you. Many plans to make.
- Ben Chang: Check that out. Hats off to Pierce and the hot red dragon.
- Jeff Winger: Why do you keep calling her that?
- Ben Chang: "Hong Long" means "red dragon." That's her middle name. In China, they put the last name first. I mean, they're nuts over there.
- Troy Barnes: I wanna be interesting. I wanna fit in with you guys. I wanna be able to be an actor.
- Professor Sean Garrity: The pain of not having enough pain is still pain, young man. That may sound like an easy resolution, but... we're not writers. We're actors. Story doesn't matter here. All that matters is our time...
- [looks into the camera]
- Professor Sean Garrity: in the spotlight.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What's she doing here?
- Jeff Winger: I asked her to come. I was thinking maybe you two were meant to be together. You're both rude, you're both deceitful and racist, and you both come from moist-wipe dynasties. I think having that much in common justifies at least one real date.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [sighs] I guess we could go out to dinner.
- Wu Mei: You're paying.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're dressing slutty.
- Wu Mei: Fine.
- Pierce Hawthorne: How about Mexican?
- [Pierce puts his arm around Mei's shoulder as they exit]
- Wu Mei: How about Thai? They're like Chinese Mexicans.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hmm. So true.
- Wu Mei: Mmm.
- Jeff Winger: I'd like to propose a toast. Wu Mei Hong Long, better known as Mei Hong Long Wu, is not only not a Greendale student, she works for Red Dragon Wipes, the number-two wipe in Asia, currently attempting a takeover of Hawthorne Wipes. So please, raise your glasses, to saving Pierce from the clutches of a corporate spy, and to me for being attractive enough to get a girl like her under normal circumstances.
- Wu Mei: Very impressive, Veronica Mars. You learned how to use Google.
- Jeff Winger: And you learned to fight your desire for me.
- Wu Mei: Oh, stick it. You suck.