Community (TV Series)

Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas (2010)

John Oliver: Professor Ian Duncan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Professor Ian Duncan : Now, how many fingers am I holding up? And, more importantly, are they still made of clay?

  Abed Nadir : Three, and I told you, we're not clay. We're silicone dolls with foam bodies over ball-and-socket armatures.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Fascinating. And publishable. And you say you have no memory of this morning. You don't recall the emotional crisis that caused you to take shelter in this delusion.

  Abed Nadir : It's not a delusion.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Very, very publishable. Abed, I've been a professor of psychology here at Greendale for many years. And I think I see a solution to this that might also help you with your situation. I'd like to do extensive sessions with you, including hypnosis.

  Abed Nadir : I don't need therapy.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Nobody said you did. I just think it would benefit you and, incidentally, me to get to the real meaning of all this.

  Abed Nadir : You're right. That's it. I need to find the meaning of Christmas.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Ah. Well...

  Abed Nadir : If I can find the meaning of Christmas, everything will go back to normal.

  Jeff Winger : ...asterisk.

• Pierce Hawthorne : Hey! Look what you did to the kid. What's your article gonna be called - "Worst Shrink Ever"?

  Professor Ian Duncan : Hey, this is not my fault. This is what Christmas does to people. We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.

  Jeff Winger : We beg to differ.

  Professor Ian Duncan : What are you doing back here?

  Troy Barnes : Saving Christmas.

  Annie Edison : Everybody, point your magic Christmas weapons at him.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, brother. This is ridiculous. You are enabling a delusion.

  Jeff Winger : The delusion you're trying to cure is called Christmas, Duncan.

  Annie Edison : It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.

  Britta Perry : Yeah, and when we all agree to support each other in that insanity, something even crazier happens.

  Annie Edison : It becomes true.

  Troy Barnes : Works every year. Like clockwork.

• Professor Ian Duncan : Try telling that to your catatonic friend.

  Shirley Bennett : I got a better idea. Why don't we sing it?

  Britta Perry : Wait, what?

  Jeff Winger : Yeah, let's not go overboard.

  Shirley Bennett : Will you two commit to something for a change?

  Jeff Winger : Let's sing it!

  Britta Perry : Yeah, let's sing.

  Troy Barnes : Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?

  Jeff Winger : Absolutely.

  [everyone fire their magic weapons at Duncan] 

  Shirley Bennett : You start, Britta.

  [the characters break out in song] 

  Britta Perry : Christmas time is a time to sing. That's what Christmas is for.

  Annie Edison : Christmas can even be a hannukkah thing. That's what Christmas is for.

  Shirley Bennett : And for a huge percentage of this God-fearing planet it's about the birth of Jesus Christ.

  Jeff Winger : But for the rest of us it's still a good time to remember that it's good to be nice.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Music and cookies and liquor and trees. That's what Christmas is for.

  Troy Barnes : Video games for two straight weeks. That's what Christmas is for.

  Annie Edison : Hanging out with the people you love.

  Jeff Winger , Annie Edison : And saying I love you.

  Britta Perry : That's what Christmas is...

  Shirley Bennett , Britta Perry , Jeff Winger , Troy Barnes , Annie Edison , Pierce Hawthorne : That's what Christmas is... That's what Christmas is for!

• Troy Barnes : Who taught you therapy, Michael Jackson's dad?

  Professor Ian Duncan : I am a professional, and you are interfering with a very fragile book deal... I mean, human being.

• Abed Nadir : Let's move, folks. This isn't going to be fun, easy or safe.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Shut up, Winger.

  Jeff Winger : Mm-hm.

• Jeff Winger : Oh, this feels safe.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Shut up, Winger.

• Jeff Winger : You are playing with so much fire.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Shut up, Winger. Hands on the table. Eyes closed. Heads relaxing. Necks relaxing.

  Troy Barnes : Don't relax Pierce any lower.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Screw you.

• Professor Ian Duncan : New family. New life. There's nothing left to do now but heal. And share the experience with as many reputable journals as possible.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Great, look what you did to the kid. What's your article gonna be called? "Worst Shrink Ever"?

  Professor Ian Duncan : Hey, this is not my fault. This is what Christmas does to people. We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.