Three buddies wake up from a bachelor party in Las Vegas, with no memory of the previous night and the bachelor missing. They make their way around the city in order to find their friend before his wedding.
John makes a Christmas miracle happen by bringing his one and only friend to life, his teddy bear. The two grow up together and John must then choose to stay with his girlfriend or keep his friendship with his crude and extremely inappropriate teddy bear, Ted.Written by
When John and Lori are in her car talking after Ted gets them to talk, the Christian Science Bookstore in the background alternates between having lights on and lights off in the store. See more »
Sam J. Jones:
We are gonna party like the '80s.
Show us how, Flash.
Sam J. Jones:
It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid shit.
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The opening credits were supposed to start with "Universal Pictures and Media Rights Capital Presents" as shown in the trailers/commercials and the back of the DVD/Blu-Ray covers. But, for unknown reasons, it starts with "Media Rights Capital Presents" and "Universal Pictures Presents" in the actual movie. See more »
The 114-minute "Unrated" version has the following changes:
There some extra dialogue between the bully and Greenbaum where the bully declares for his Christmas gift - his face in Greenbaum's face.
Just before young John enters the kitchen, there's an exchange between Steve and Helen. After some implications they get straight to the fact that Helen performed oral sex on Steve the previous evening.
There is a Japanese news report after the Action News Georgia segment where the female Japanese anchor gets slapped by her male counterpart for mistakenly calling Ted a "rabbit".
Donny's flashback is revealed and included. In the theatrical version, what he describes to Ted about his fascination is only spoken.
Murphy's talk about his connection with Tom Skerritt is extended with him talking about the privileges being with him.
There's a little extension of John's "So bad, but so good" commentary where both him and Ted started singing part of the Flash Gordon theme song. John then exclaims, "Fuck yeah!"
In bed with Lori, John has a replacement line, "I'm a fucking classy broad" and an additional line, "I've been crapping out room for it for two days. I mean, I know exactly what I'm going to order." There is also additional dialogue from John once thunder is heard.
In Rex's office room, he takes out his magnifying glass and shows his "root" on the photo. After Lori leaves, he takes a short smell on the chair she sat on.
In the dinner with John and Lori, there is additional dialog by John referring to the Virgina Tech University shooting.
In the theatrical release, Lori sees a pile of feces on the floor while Ted is with four hookers at their apartment. Ted explains that Charene, the Asian hooker, defecated on the floor as part of a "truth or dare" game. In the unrated version, Ted explains that a fifth hooker named Dierdre did the mess and locked herself in the bathroom. Lori is also more furious in this scene.
Before Ted goes for the interview for the supermarket job, John responds to the attorney proposal that Ted spoke of.
In the scene where Ted and John watch the 'Cheers' DVD boxed set, Ted Danson's TV interview is longer, with Ted and John interrupting in between.
During dinner, Tami-Lynn talks about her friend's miscarriage so that she can join her for a trip. There's also more cussing by her while Ted persuades her to leave.
In the party at Rex's house, Lori's three colleagues have a conversation about Rex's one night stand locations.
In the theatrical version, Ted says that he met Norah Jones at Belinda Carlisle's house. In the unrated version, he says that he met her at a charity event for kids screwed up by a family member, and they had sex at the back room.
After John and Lori drive off to find Ted, Ted tries to escape again but stumbles upon the basement full of tattered teddy bears that belong to Donny.
Near the end, the newly-wed Lori throws a bouquet of flowers. John's co-worker Tanya grabs the bouquet before an unhappy Tami-Lynn beats her up.
Consistently funny and a surprisingly cohesive effort from MacFarlane
First there was Gollum, then Caesar the ape and now ... Ted? If you thought motion-capture animation was beyond the range of foul-mouthed R-rated comedy, here's your evidence to the contrary. "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane has taken his love of characters who shouldn't behave like humans behaving like humans to the next level —and the big screen — with "Ted," a story of growing up — at the age of 35.
Fans of MacFarlane and "Family Guy" will be the first to tell you that the comedy pioneer has been more cold than hot lately (I guess those manatees in the tank of idea balls have been worked too hard). It's not easy to keep scoring laughs using the same non-sequitur formula over and over again, but fortunately "Ted" is a more comically cohesive effort than you'd ever expect from the king of unexpected random jabs, references and political incorrectness.
If you haven't been curious enough to find out what the film is about already, "Ted" tells the story of how young John Bennett (who grows up to be Mark Wahlberg), who had trouble fitting in as a kid, made a wish on Christmas Day for his teddy bear to come to life. His wish comes true and Ted becomes world famous, even appearing on the Johnny Carson Show. But as Patrick Stewart lovingly and frankly reminds us in his role as narrator: like Corey Feldman and Frankie Muniz, eventually, people stop giving a ****.
Despite a serious relationship of four years with Lori (Mila Kunis), nearly middle-aged John is still ripping bongs and watching '80s "Flash Gordon" with his equally irresponsible teddy bear best friend. Eventually, John must start to make sacrifices if he wants to become the adult that Lori wants him to be, and Ted is arguably the chief reason for his inability to shape up.
There aren't exactly any curveballs in this story, but that's when you realize you're watching a film in which a man is trying to stop hanging out with his profane teddy bear. Despite the obvious outcomes, "Ted" has to be considered an original comedy.
It's also consistently funny. Sure, the nature of many of the jokes is that they exist in a vacuum and aren't necessarily related to what's going on or what matters, but much of the references actually tie into the plot later on (such as Flash Gordon ... it'll make sense when you see it) and it's far less random than skeptics will come in expecting. That said, some of its best jokes and references will resonate on a personal level, i.e. if you watch this with a group of people, you're bound to laugh really hard at times when they don't and vice-versa.
The only thing that feels a little out of place is a subplot involving Giovanni Ribisi as a creepy single father who has been a longtime admirer of Ted's and inquires about purchasing him for his overweight son. You've never seen Ribisi like this and that alone is amusing, but the focus of the film is on how John and Ted's mischief impacts his ability to grow up and get more serious with Lori, and this sort of butts into things.
Yet for all its shenanigans, the amount of heart and sincerity in some of the relationship drama between John and Lori is surprising. Wahlberg and Kunis are generally pretty convincing, even if it's a bit weird that John is mature enough to have a relationship last four years but not enough to not screw things up at his job or avoid giving in to Ted's peer pressure. (Bear pressure?)
The secret weapon is that Ted really is kind of adorable, and the mo-cap gives him an extra lifelike quality. The film hits some emotional notes early (who can't identify with loving a stuffed animal?) and this helps it to reconnect later on despite all the R-rated chaos in between. That ability alone assures "Ted" will be seen as better than a majority of foul- mouthed, dirty-minded comedies.
"Ridiculous" comes to mind as the best descriptor for "Ted," which one has to imagine MacFarlane aimed for in the first place. His performance as the titular bear is certainly reminiscent of Peter Griffin (there's a wink to the audience about that, by the way), but more importantly, Ted is treated as more than just an opportunity for a never-ending string of jokes that are simply funnier because "it's a teddy bear."
Maybe having to create a complete package in the form of a movie has helped MacFarlane learn how to tone down his shtick. Audiences will write you off if you deliver them something inconsistent and scatter-brained that goes beyond 30 inconsequential minutes of their lives, and MacFarlane and co-writers Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild make the majority of adjustments needed to honor that notion. "Ted" is as engaging as it is clever, funny and ridiculous.
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