Ron Swanson: [welcoming patrons to an art show] OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to "Visions of Nature." This room has several paintings in it. Some are big; some are small. People did them, and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.
Ron Swanson: [to an artist standing next to a painting that is simply a blank white canvas] You forgot to paint a painting, son.
Ben Wyatt: [teaching April and Andy how to do laundry] OK! You always separate your lights from your darks.
April Ludgate: That's racist.
Ben Wyatt: Were you frying marbles?
Andy Dwyer: We were testing to see if the smoke detector worked.
April Ludgate: It doesn't.
April Ludgate: [to Ben, who's thinking of moving in with April and Andy] We have a couple of house rules, though. You can't use the front door; you have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal "usted." And no electricity after 6:00 PM. A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you've been crying. There's no noise allowed on Mondays. And no TV after breakfast.
Tom Haverford: This is what Jerry sees when he closes his eyes at night: topless Leslie glued to a horse.
Andy Dwyer: Not to sound like I'm bad because you're my boss and my friend, but I would hit that.
April Ludgate: Me too.
Leslie Knope: Every great work of art contains a message, and the message of this painting is "Get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass."