Jack Donaghy: The only thing I will be discussing with the House Subcommittee on Baseball, Quiz Shows, Terrorism, and Media is vertical integration.
Liz Lemon: What's vertical integration?
Jack Donaghy: Imagine that your favorite corn chip manufacturer also owned the number one diarrhea medication.
Liz Lemon: That'd be great, 'cause then they could put a little sample of the medicine in each bag.
Jack Donaghy: Keep thinking.
Liz Lemon: [beat] Except then they might be tempted to make the corn chips give you...
Jack Donaghy: Vertical integration.
[Bookman criticizes Jack for the shortage of prominent black characters on NBC]
Jack Donaghy: Then perhaps you should watch Anthony Anderson on "Law And Order," now entering its 21st seas...
[Jonathan covers his mouth and whispers into his ear]
Jack Donaghy: [whispering] Cancelled? Why would we do that? It makes no sense!
Jack Donaghy: In a post-apocalyptic society, what possible use would they have for you?
Liz Lemon: Travelling bard.
Jack Donaghy: Radiation canary.
Jack Donaghy: What about Toofer?
Liz Lemon: I don't know if you've heard, but he went to Harvard.
Jack Donaghy: So we know he's smart and good at masturbation.
Liz Lemon: Yeah!
Frank Rossitano: [On Liz's new nameplate, "El Tejon"] It means "the badger" in Spanish. I don't know who did it.
[Liz looks at Frank's hat, which reads "I did it"]
Regina Bookman: [during a speech] The Future! And America! Now I may have lost my train of thought several minutes ago, but if I continue to talk like this, no one will notice. And when I stop, you will applaud my energy! Thank you!
Tracy Jordan: I love cop shows. Personally, I can't wait for "Law and Order" to start up again.
[Grizz whispers into Tracy's ear]
Tracy Jordan: What? It was a tentpole! A tentpole!
Regina Bookman: I'm at New York with some of my colleages. We have meetings on Wall Street, then we're taking the Sex and the City tour.
Rep. Rob Reiner: Magnolia Bakery? Sorry, hips.
Jack Donaghy: We are an immigrant nation. The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things. The next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas. The third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes.
Liz Lemon: [the writers put an insulting name on Liz's door] These douche-b's have been doing this for weeks.
Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Lez Lemon."
Liz Lemon: First thought.
Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Winona Ryder in a Hundred Years."
Liz Lemon: Weak!
Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Fart Barfunkel."
Liz Lemon: Indian food.
Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Paul Simon."
Liz Lemon: I don't get that, but it hurts.
Rep. Rob Reiner: Sir, my name is Rob Reiner, and before I became a Congressman I dabbled in television. Won a couple of Emmys. And I believe that my experience out there in "Hollyweird" gives me a special insight into these types of deals. Particularly when it comes to...
Jack Donaghy: Say it, Meathead.
Jack Donaghy: I really resent the Congresswoman's accusations. I've long been an advocate for diversity. It's made this nation great. The Chinese built the railroads, the Irish built and then filled the jails...
Liz Lemon: A guy named Juan built my armoire.
Jack Donaghy: Diversity means new ideas and new markets. It is our best hope for true innovation.
Liz Lemon: Did you tell all that to Congresswoman Bookman?
Jack Donaghy: No, I was too busy trying to remember the name of the black kid on "Community".
Liz Lemon: [mispronounces name] Donell Glover.
Kenneth Parcell: [singing for Jenna] "Oh, everybody born before Jesus is in hell. They went straight to hell..."
Jenna Maroney: Enough! I'm going to have to reinvent you, break you down completely and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.
Pete Hornberger: Liz, quick question about the Johnny Appleseed sketch. Does it hurt it if we can't call him Johnny Appleseed?
Liz Lemon: Yes! Why?
Pete Hornberger: Well, Johnny Appleseed was a real guy and his descendants are very litigious.
[Both roll eyes]
Pete Hornberger: So, here is a list of the names that legal says we can use: Jerry Bananaseed... and... nothing else.
Liz Lemon: Great so what are my choices? Either I argue with legal or I spend all day writing something else. Does anyone care how hard I work - ?
Pete Hornberger: [Interrupting] Doh! We can't use Jerry Bananaseed, someone with that name killed a bunch of nurses in Portland.