Glee (TV Series)

Never Been Kissed (2010)

Kevin McHale: Artie Abrams

Photos 

Quotes 

• Artie Abrams : I didn't see you in geometry today.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Jackpot. No, you didn't. I'm getting out of here. I'm skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn't real community service, so if I don't spend the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway, they're gonna send me back to juvie.

  Artie Abrams : So, what's wrong with picking up trash?

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude. I'm not a garbage man. You know how humiliating that is? I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to juvie.

  Artie Abrams : Why? I thought you loved it there.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Yeah? I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me, and before the security guys could pull them off, they'd already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass? There are some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families, guys who look at you like you're some kind of dog they can't wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles.

  Artie Abrams : So... you be my community service.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : What?

  Artie Abrams : I owe you. You got me a date with Brittany. You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so... let me tutor you in geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway.

• Artie Abrams : Geometry's easy, yo. There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.

  Artie Abrams : Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught, I'd be screwed.

  Artie Abrams : You need to start hanging around someone who's a good influence on you, Puck. Give me six weeks. If you don't ace your geometry midterm, I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : That's dope, dude. You got a deal.

• Will Schuester : Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy, because Coach Beiste has quit.

  Finn Hudson : Wait, what? That's terrible.

  Sam Evans : Yeah, that's not what we want.

  Artie Abrams : That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning.

  Will Schuester : Well, then you'd better but your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.

  Rachel Berry : I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?

  Finn Hudson : No, no. It's us. The boys.

  Mike Chang : And Tina.

  [everyone turns around and stares] 

  Finn Hudson : We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower.

  [seeing Rachel's expression] 

  Finn Hudson : I... I mean, I don't. Ever.

  Quinn Fabray : [quietly to Sam]  Oh, wow. I'm sorry.

  Santana Lopez : Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

• Santana Lopez : So, how does it feel to be a free man?

  Artie Abrams : All I can say is that I don't want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany, since I'm not in love with her.

  Brittany S. Pierce : Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Not really.

  Santana Lopez : Oh.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Tell you what. You two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00. If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.

  Santana Lopez : You are totally cool.

  Brittany S. Pierce : Awesome.

  [the other girls stare in confusion] 

  Artie Abrams : [Puck rolls him out of the room]  I can't believe it. You're a genius.

• Artie Abrams : Shouldn't we be studying geometry? Aren't you failing?

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : One thing I learned in juvie? Cash is king. Lets people know we're not doing it for free.

  Artie Abrams : Wait, you think people are gonna pay us to sing? I don't think busking is allowed in school.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair.

• Artie Abrams : [busking in the school quad]  Holy crap, there's, like, 300 bucks in here.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear.

  Artie Abrams : I can. It's about 300 bucks. What are we going to do with it?

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Buy a buttload of clove cigarettes, then... I don't know.

• Kurt Hummel : Now, obviously, for this medley to work, I'm going to have to sing lead, and, of course, when you're singing Diana Ross, Bob Mackie-esque maribou feather boas are a must.

  Artie Abrams : Isn't this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in sequined gown and feather boa is exactly what you'd expect.

  Kurt Hummel : Okay, who said anything about a gown?

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the garglers?

  Kurt Hummel : The Warblers.

  Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Whatever. See what they're up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You'll blend right in.