Trama

Phil and Clair try to revisit an old Valentine's Day act, Jay tries to surprise Gloria with a romantic dinner, Mitchell and Cameron disagree over Mitchell's assistant's crush, and Manny gives Haley relationship advice.

In an attempt to avoid turning into that old boring couple, Phil and Claire decide to revisit their Clive and Juliana role-playing rendezvous from last Valentine's Day. Meanwhile Jay has planned an elaborate surprise evening for Gloria, but his plans keep getting thwarted, and an admirer comes between Cameron and Mitchell on V-day, but they can't agree whom the admiration is directed towards.—ABC Publicity

It's Valentine's Day again, and Phil (Ty Burrell) and Claire (Julie Bowen) decided to take it down a notch after what happened last year with their sexy alternate identities of Clive and Julianna...that Claire lost her panties in front of her father. And apparently, she hates the word 'panties'. (or underpanties, Phil!) Cameron (Eric Stonestreet), being the sweet guy he is, sent Mitchell flowers at work, only Mitchell's assistant didn't deliver them. Cameron knows what it's about: Mitchell's assistant has a crush on him. Mitchell denies it, but Cam knows how adorable and irresistable Mitch is (hey, if I swung that way, I'd think Jesse Tyler Ferguson is incredibly easy on the eyes), but Cam's solution of firing him doesn't sit well with Mitchell.

Phil and Claire have to take a 6:15 reservation at a restaurant, but the place is packed...with people getting the early-bird special. But Phil is convincing Claire they don't need the crazy V-Day like they had last year; they can kick it with people who probably celebrated V-E Day, too. And Claire agrees, until she gets nailed by the guy driving a personal scooter through the restaurant. And it gets worse when Phil offers to drive it to the front for him...and likes it. It's time for her to head to the bathroom and change into Juliana. Of course, Phil doesn't have a clue, so she has to give him PLENTY of prompts. And not crashing into a table as he pretends to dump Claire to go meet Juliana at their hotel.

Jay (Ed O'Neill) and Gloria (Sofía Vergara) are at the same restaurant, only Jay has a plan this year. He'll pretend to not get the reservation so that the private chef and musicians he arranged can set up at his house. Sounds like a perfect plan, right? Of course, it's not a matter of IF it will screw-up, but how much and how funny it will be WHEN it screws up. And it took all of two minutes, as Gloria got them in the restaurant. Meanwhile, the kids are at home, where Haley (Sarah Hyland) is bemoaning the fact that not only she doesn't have a date, but Alex (Ariel Winter) has a date. Being on a phone with a boy while they watch isn't much of a date, but Haley would prefer that to Manny's (Rico Rodriguez) plan, which was to put the moves on her. Especially trying to convince her that getting David jealous by showing Dylan still texts her is not what an independent woman should do. It's not the Haley he knows.

Broderick, Mitch's assistant, scheduled an appointment for him to interrupt their dinner, and Cam thinks he's a dear. As in wanting to mount his head in his trophy room. And Cameron was right: Broderick was trying to sabotage the relationship. Because he was attracted to Cameron. Must have been Cam's highly-inappropriate bicycle shorts. He even apologized to him at the office.

BRODERICK: Oh, did I validate you?

CAMERON: [big smile] Oh, yes.

Jay is upset because Gloria "was strapping on the feedbag at Ibiza," but Jay was saved by an angel. A big, gay angel. The reservation Gloria found under Pritchett was actually Mitchell and Cameron's. Gloria is absolutely livid, but she can't be convinced to go into the house. Jay practically begs and pleads, but Gloria is his second wife who is tired of being treated like his first wife. Jay has no choice but to carry her into the house...where the musicians and chef weren't. She storms out and opens the garage, because that's where the chef and the musicians were. It turns out she knew what he was doing all along because he assumed she didn't think he was romantic and that she wasn't smart. But she won, especially when she gets him the red motorcycle.

JAY: Honey, you can't win Valentine's Day. It defeats the whole purpose if you turn it into some silly competition.

GLORIA: Shut up, I win.

At Ibiza, Cameron hints around that Broderick actually had a crush on him instead of Mitchell, who doesn't believe it. And their romantic dinner goes downhill quickly, as Cam wants Mitch to call him and verify it. Or better yet, go over to Broderick's house and ask him. However, Broderick texts Mitchell his resignation, saying he acted unprofessionally when he tried to sabotage their relationship. Mitch and Cam wise up and apologize to each other, each secure in the knowledge that Broderick had the crush on them.

Juliana's and Clive's date is on. After Clive spits out the appletini Juliana was having. Turns out, Clive does some covert work on occasion for the U.S. government. ("Oh, so you're a NATIONAL man of mystery.") Although we're not certain what Julianna does for a living. ("Usually, I'm pretty good at catching things from women in bars.") But Juliana is just a bored housewife with a dark secret. And the card she just gave him isn't a gift card...or is it? And Phil takes the card...of the old woman who was sitting next to Claire. He goes up to the room (the room key was still in the envelope, in case you didn't know how Phil figured out what room to enter). Claire calls him, and he gets ready on the bed with a bottle of champagne, a bouquet of flowers,...and that's all. She'll be right out. And she is...to an empty bed. She calls him back, and Clive tells her she'll have to find him. Oops. They figure out they're in the wrong rooms, as the the woman whose room Phil is really will tell him. They meet back at home, where Claire is ready to throw in the towel on the night, but Phil is not dissuaded, since they have their own bedroom to continue the evening. Except Manny has successfully convinced Haley to dump David for what he did, and suddenly there's music in the background. In the street, actually. Dylan brought his entire band with him to perform. ("Imagine me naked! I imagine you nude!")

CLAIRE: [in bed with Phil] Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?