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"Archer" Training Day (TV Episode 2010) Poster

(TV Series)

(2010)

Quotes

Sterling Archer: Oh my god! You killed a hooker!

Cyril Figgis: Call girl!

Sterling Archer: No Cyril! When they're dead they're just hookers!

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Sterling Archer: [Archer shows Cyril a pen] This is what a real field agent uses.

Cyril Figgis: Huh. Point's a lot finer than what I prefer.

Sterling Archer: That's because it's a hypodermic needle.

Cyril Figgis: What?

Sterling Archer: And the cartridge is full of a deadly supertoxin called poiso... caine.

Cyril Figgis: [Archer puts pen in Cyril's pocket] Uh, hey whoa.

Sterling Archer: Keep it in here. But be careful! The cap slips off for like no reason.

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Lord Feltchly: Good show, Archer! You really saved my bacon.

Sterling Archer: Huh?

Lord Feltchly: You really saved my bacon.

Sterling Archer: Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you Santa Claus!

[Archer covers his face as he weeps]

Sterling Archer: I do!

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Cyril Figgis: I'm not sure that's technically irony.

Sterling Archer: What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation.

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Cyril Figgis: Hey will I get to learn karate?

Sterling Archer: Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.

Cyril Figgis: Krav?

Sterling Archer: We've got an ex-MOSSAD guy, come's in on Thursdays.

Cyril Figgis: Neato.

Sterling Archer: Yeah, Tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class.

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Sterling Archer: A secret agent! That's what I am! And I shouldn't even be saying that. But you have a certain... thickness about you that I find... appealing.

Suicide Bomber: [disguised as woman] Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing.

Sterling Archer: I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.

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ISIS Comptroller Cyril Figgis: Do something!

Sterling Archer: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril! I'm shooting the gun, I'm driving the car...

ISIS Comptroller Cyril Figgis: I could drive better than that!

Sterling Archer: Well, knock yourself out, I'm ejecting.

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Sterling Archer: And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. Trust me, mother's idea of horizon broadening is a lot of fights walking home from a lot of jazz tap lessons.

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Cyril Figgis: Hello Cheryl.

Cheryl: It's Carol.

Sterling Archer: Uh, since when?

Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.

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Cyril Figgis: How do you keep track of all these lies?

Sterling Archer: Practice Cyril. Lying is like 95% of what I do.

Cyril Figgis: In your job.

Sterling Archer: Sure.

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Sterling Archer: Shoot, bitch! Democracy's at stake!

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Sterling Archer: Oh, my god! You killed a hooker!

Cyril Figgis: Call girl!

Sterling Archer: No, Cyril!

Cyril Figgis: She was a call...

Sterling Archer: When they're dead, they're just hookers. God, i said the cap on the poison pen slips off for no reason, didn't I?

Cyril Figgis: But i just assumed that if anything bad happened...

Sterling Archer: No, do not say the chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument.

Woodhouse: And also woefully esoteric.

Sterling Archer: Woodhouse...

Woodhouse: Fetching a rig, sir.

Sterling Archer: Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?

Cyril Figgis: No! No, I'm not happy!

Sterling Archer: Well, guess what? Me neither! I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.

Woodhouse: Sir, I have fetched the rug.

Sterling Archer: Plus, now I'm out of a rug.

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Sterling Archer: Lying is like 95% of what I do.

Cyril Figgis: ...for work.

Sterling Archer: Right.

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Pam: [Sound of machine-gun fire] Oh, my God, did you hear that?

Cheryl: What do you think it is?

Malory Archer: Immigrants! That's all they do, you know - just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.

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Sterling Archer: That was totally ninja!

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[first lines]

Lord Feltchly: Malory Archer, you get more beautiful every time I see you.

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Malory Archer: Stirred up, Cyril. In the loins.

Cyril Figgis: You think her loins were stirring?

Malory Archer: If not frothing.

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Sterling Archer: Seriously Krieger, you are my Oprah.

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Cheryl: Beep, beep, beep.

Pam: Oh you're giving me the truck noise, Karen Carpenter's stunt double?

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Cyril Figgis: OK, so human intelligence entails what exactly?

Sterling Archer: Well there's false flags, dead drops, drop outs, cut outs, active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles. The often under appreciated honeypot. One of my favorites.

Cyril Figgis: Wow, sounds like a lot to cover.

Sterling Archer: Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... almost all of it.

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Malory Archer: Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? My god, a black

[pause]

Malory Archer: ops field agent.

Pam: Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that.

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Cyril Figgis: Then who are those guys?

Sterling Archer: [shouts] How should I know? KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye. I have enemies, OK?

Cyril Figgis: That's because no one likes you!

[calmly]

Cyril Figgis: Seriously, do you not sense that?

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Agent Lana Kane: I don't care if you have fifty dead hookers in the trunk. You lied to me.

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Cyril Figgis: But you shot a machine gun at me.

Agent Lana Kane: Around you. Because my feelings were hurt.

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Cyril Figgis: Hey, so how did you know where I was?

Agent Lana Kane: When we first started going out I may have

[quickly]

Agent Lana Kane: injected a tracking device into your body.

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Sterling Archer: [after Trinette takes his wallet, watch, and car] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I- Oh shit my rug!

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Malory Archer: Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.

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Cyril Figgis: Archer, what am I going to tell her?

Sterling Archer: Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.

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Sterling Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!

Cyril Figgis: Call girl!

Sterling Archer: NO Cyril! When they're dead they're just hookers!

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Sterling Archer: A secret agent! Yeah, that's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that, but you have a certain thickness about you that I find very appealing.

Terrorist Bomber: Well I find your drunkenness very unappealing!

Sterling Archer: I am drunk or I wouldn't be talking to you.

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Sterling Archer: I love you, Santa Claus!

[starts crying]

Sterling Archer: I do!

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Malory Archer: You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic?

Pam Poovey: Jesus Jones, yes!

Malory Archer: So when I asked for cucumber slices which one of you idiots sent up zucchini?

Cheryl Tunt: Oh. Well, um, that would be.

Pam Poovey: That would be Jane.

Malory Archer: Scatterbrain Jane?

Cheryl Tunt: I know. She's just a mess.

Pam Poovey: Because this is obviously zucchini.

Malory Archer: Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.

Pam Poovey: What's that supposed to mean?

Malory Archer: That is Pam, isn't it?

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Sterling Archer: Seriously, Krieger. You are my Oprah.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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