Shared with you
- Malory Archer: Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? My god, a black
- [pause]
- Malory Archer: ops field agent.
- Pam: Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that.
- Sterling Archer: [Archer shows Cyril a pen] This is what a real field agent uses.
- Cyril Figgis: Huh. Point's a lot finer than what I prefer.
- Sterling Archer: That's because it's a hypodermic needle.
- Cyril Figgis: What?
- Sterling Archer: And the cartridge is full of a deadly supertoxin called poizo... caine.
- Cyril Figgis: [Archer puts pen in Cyril's pocket] Uh, hey, whoa. Wait a minute.
- Sterling Archer: Keep it in here. But be careful! The cap slips off for like no reason.
- Cyril Figgis: I'm not sure that's technically irony.
- Sterling Archer: What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation.
- Sterling Archer: Oh, my god! You killed a hooker!
- Cyril Figgis: Call girl!
- Sterling Archer: No, Cyril!
- Cyril Figgis: She was a call...
- Sterling Archer: When they're dead, they're just hookers. God, I said the cap on the poison pen slips off for no reason, didn't I?
- Cyril Figgis: But I just assumed that if anything bad happened...
- Sterling Archer: No, do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument.
- Woodhouse: And also woefully esoteric.
- Sterling Archer: Woodhouse...
- Woodhouse: Fetching a rug, sir.
- Sterling Archer: Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
- Cyril Figgis: No! No, I'm not happy!
- Sterling Archer: Well, guess what? Me neither! I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
- Woodhouse: Sir, I have fetched the rug.
- Sterling Archer: Plus, now I'm out of a rug.
- Lord Feltchly: Good show, Archer! You really saved my bacon.
- Sterling Archer: Huh?
- Lord Feltchly: You really saved my bacon.
- Sterling Archer: Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you, Santa Claus!
- [Archer covers his face as he weeps]
- Sterling Archer: I do!
- Pam: [Sound of machine-gun fire] Oh, my God, did you hear that?
- Cheryl: What do you think it is?
- Malory Archer: Immigrants! That's all they do, you know - just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.
- Sterling Archer: A secret agent! That's what I am! And I shouldn't even be saying that. But you have a certain... thickness about you that I find... appealing.
- Suicide Bomber: [disguised as woman] Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing.
- Sterling Archer: I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
- Malory Archer: Stirred up, Cyril. In the loins.
- Cyril Figgis: You think her loins were stirring?
- Malory Archer: If not frothing.
- Sterling Archer: And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. Trust me, mother's idea of horizon broadening is a lot of fights walking home from a lot of jazz tap lessons.
- Cyril Figgis: Hello, Cheryl.
- Cheryl: It's Carol.
- Sterling Archer: Uh, since when?
- Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
- Cyril Figgis: How do you keep track of all these lies?
- Sterling Archer: Practice, Cyril. Lying is like 95% of what I do.
- Cyril Figgis: In your job.
- Sterling Archer: Sure.
- Cyril Figgis: Hey, will I get to learn karate?
- Sterling Archer: Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
- Cyril Figgis: Krav?
- Sterling Archer: We've got an ex-Mossad guy; comes in on Thursdays.
- Cyril Figgis: Neato.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, Tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class.
- ISIS Comptroller Cyril Figgis: Do something!
- Sterling Archer: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril! I'm shooting the gun, I'm driving the car...
- ISIS Comptroller Cyril Figgis: I could drive better than that!
- Sterling Archer: Well, knock yourself out, I'm ejecting.
- Malory Archer: Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? My god, a black
- [pause]
- Malory Archer: ops field agent.
- Pam: Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that.
- Cyril Figgis: But you shot a machine gun at me.
- Agent Lana Kane: Around you. Because my feelings were hurt.
- Cyril Figgis: Hey, so how did you know where I was?
- Agent Lana Kane: When we first started going out I may have
- [quickly]
- Agent Lana Kane: injected a tracking device into your body.
- Cyril Figgis: In my body? No! Now that is a breach of trust, Lana.
- Agent Lana Kane: Baby? Hun, do you really want to open this can of "trust-breachy" worms right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?
- Cyril Figgis: [long pause] I do not.
- Agent Lana Kane: You do not.
- Malory Archer: You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic?
- Pam Poovey: Jesus Jones, yes!
- Malory Archer: So when I asked for cucumber slices, which one of you idiots sent up zucchini?
- Cheryl Tunt: Oh, well, um, that would be...
- Pam Poovey: That would be Jane.
- Malory Archer: Scatterbrain Jane?
- Cheryl Tunt: I know. She's just a mess.
- Pam Poovey: Because this is obviously zucchini.
- Malory Archer: Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
- Pam Poovey: What's that supposed to mean?
- Malory Archer: That is Pam, isn't it?
- [first lines]
- Lord Feltchly: Malory Archer, you get more beautiful every time I see you.
- Cyril Figgis: OK, so human intelligence entails what exactly?
- Sterling Archer: Well, there's false flags, dead drops, drop outs, cut outs, active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles; the often underappreciated honeypot - one of my favorites.
- Cyril Figgis: Wow, sounds like a lot to cover.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... almost all of it.
- Cyril Figgis: Then who are those guys?
- Sterling Archer: [shouts] How should I know? KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye. I have enemies, OK?
- Cyril Figgis: That's because no one likes you!
- [calmly]
- Cyril Figgis: Seriously, do you not sense that?
- Sterling Archer: [after Trinette takes his wallet, watch, and car] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I - Oh shit, my rug!
- Cyril Figgis: Archer, what am I going to tell her?
- Sterling Archer: Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.
- Sterling Archer: A secret agent! Yeah, that's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that, but you have a certain thickness about you that I find very appealing.
- Terrorist Bomber: Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing!
- Sterling Archer: I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
- Malory Archer: [to Lana] But let me just tell you, okay? You should be thankful you have Cyril.
- Cheryl: [to Pam, softly] For about twelve reasons.
- Sterling Archer: [as Trinette speeds away in his Charger] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I... oh, shit - my rug!
- Agent Lana Kane: So, you know you have to be punished...
- Cyril Figgis: Yes.
- Agent Lana Kane: ...so what you're gonna do is walk into our video store...
- Cyril Figgis: With the sweet old Korean lady.
- Agent Lana Kane: ...and buy the nastiest, barebackin'-est, hard-dickin'-est, ball-slappiest interracial porno in there!
- Cyril Figgis: Oh, from the sweet old Korean lady?
- Agent Lana Kane: Yuuuuup! How you feel about that?
- Cyril Figgis: Like I got off pretty easy?
- Agent Lana Kane: [strokes his chin] Night ain't over yet.