Barney Stinson: Every woman in New York! Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCA.
Marshall Eriksen: MILSWANCA?
Ted Mosby: Oh I got it, Mothers I Like To Sleep With And Never Call Again
Barney Stinson: Correct! Circle gets a square.
Marshall Eriksen: So Robin, do you have a playbook?
Robin Scherbatsky: [motions at breasts] Two volumes, right here.
Ted Mosby: I've read them, it's a good read.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, I'm reading them right now.
Lily Aldrin: I had Shelley reserved for Ted for three years!
Barney Stinson: Well, he didn't miss much. She's brainy and whiny and boring in bed. Hey, maybe she is perfect for Ted.
Robin Scherbatsky: All right, I'm gonna get the paper.
Ted Mosby: More like go get a husband.
Marshall Eriksen: Totally.
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, you guys, just stop that. Seriously, the last thing I'm looking for right now is a relationship.
Ted Mosby: Uh-huh. When you pick up the newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements. For yours!
Marshall Eriksen: Robin, it's like this. Do you know how many times in my life I've gone to the freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them?
Robin Scherbatsky: Thousands?
Marshall Eriksen: Millions. But when I go to the freezer looking for a popsicle or the remote control because Lily and I are having a fight and she's hidden it there, do you know what I find? Frozen waffles. That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles. And in this case, frozen waffles is a guy. Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles.
Girl: [Barney demonstrates the play "The My Penis Grants Wishes"] Really? A genie comes out of it?
Barney Stinson: Only if you rub it hard enough.
Girl: [the play SNASA] Wow! You're an astronaut?
Barney Stinson: Shhh! I'm actually in a top-secret government space program called Secret NASA, or SNASA.
Girl: Wow. SNASA? Do you go to the moon and stuff?
Barney Stinson: Well, not the moon you're familiar with. Though I have been to the smoon.
Girl: Wow, the smoon.
Lily Aldrin: Can you believe that? He blames me! Oh, and by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you.
Ted Mosby: Hm. Let me think. Do I wanna go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? Guys, help me out with the harmonies?
Marshall Eriksen: Sure.
Ted Mosby: Hell no...
Robin Scherbatsky: Hell no...
Marshall Eriksen: Hell no...
Claire: Hell no...
Barney Stinson: Don't drink that!
Christy: Why not?
Barney Stinson: I saw a guy put something in that drink.
Christy: Really? Who?
Barney Stinson: [Points at Ted] That guy.
[Bartender tackles Ted]
Ted Mosby: [talks to a woman] I'll give you a call. Bye, bye.
[she leaves, and Ted goes back to the others]
Ted Mosby: For those of you keeping score, the Ted Mosby... works!
Barney Stinson: None of these are cheap tricks. Except for The Cheap Trick.
[Cut to Barney dressed as a rocker]
Barney Stinson: Yeah, I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.
Barney Stinson: [Back to reality] And even that requires expensive hair extensions.
Barney Stinson: The Playbook contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, strategem and bamboozle I've ever used, or I've ever hoped to use, to pick up chicks and give'em a business.
Barney Stinson: Guys, code red, emergency, lockdown! Nobody's leaving.
Robin Scherbatsky: What happened?
Barney Stinson: I tried the "He's Not Coming", and it worked, gangbusters. You should have seen this girl. Bang! Ping! Padow! Gadonk!
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, I'm leaving.
Barney Stinson: So, we get up to my place, and I go into my room to set up the camera... to light the candles. And when I come out, she's gone, and so is The Playbook. I think we all know who is responsible for this.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, we do.
Barney Stinson: Yeah. Al-Qaeda.