- Spoilers (1)
Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons?
Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride?
Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?
[Holmes is looking at Moriarty and starts analyzing the upcoming fight]
Sherlock Holmes: [v.o] His advantage, my injury. My advantage, his rage. Incoming assault feral, but experienced. Use his momentum to counter.
[as Holmes hits Moriarty in the face, everything stops and the audience watches Moriarty's face]
Professor Moriaty: [v.o] Come now, you really think you're the only one who can play this game?
[Back to the analyzed fight]
Professor Moriaty: Trap arm, target weakness. Follow with haymaker.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, there we find the boxing champion of Cambridge.
[Holmes throws a hook at Moriarty's face]
Professor Moriaty: Competent, but predictable. Now, allow me to reply.
[Moriarty throws several punches at Holmes' shoulder]
Sherlock Holmes: Arsenal running dry. Adjust strategy.
[Holmes tries to kick Moriarty but fails]
Professor Moriaty: Wound taking its toll.
Sherlock Holmes: As I feared. Injury makes defense untenable. Prognosis, increasingly negative.
[Moriarty corners Holmes against the edge of the cliff]
Professor Moriaty: Let's not waste any more of one another's time. We both know how this ends.
[Moriarty throws Holmes over the balcony and the scene cuts back to the real time]
Sherlock Holmes: Conclusion: inevitable. Unless...
[Holmes blows ashes from his pipe into Moriarty's face, grabs him, and topples them both over the balcony, down the falls]
Dr. John Watson: [reading a note from Holmes] Come at once if convenient.
[flips the note over to back side]
Dr. John Watson: If inconvenient, come all the same.
[after Holmes throws Mary off the train, Watson turns around and sees his wife gone]
Sherlock Holmes: It had to be done. She's safe now! In my own defense, I timed it perfectly-!
[Watson lunges at him and starts throttling him]
Dr. John Watson: Did you kill my wife?
Sherlock Holmes: [muffled, tries to respond]
Dr. John Watson: DID-YOU-JUST-KILL-MY-NEW-WIFE?
Sherlock Holmes: [forces Watson's hand away] Of course not!
Dr. John Watson: What do you mean? How do you know that, when you just threw her off a train?
Sherlock Holmes: I told you, I timed it perfectly!
Dr. John Watson: What does that mean?
Sherlock Holmes: Calm down!
Dr. John Watson: Explain!
Sherlock Holmes: By the time I explained, we'd both be dead!
Professor Moriaty: You see, hidden within the unconscious, there is an insatiable desire for conflict. So, you're not fighting me, so much as you are the human condition. All I want to do is own the bullets and the bandages.
Dr. John Watson: [performing CPR] I know you can hear me, you selfish bastard!
Mycroft Holmes: Good evening, Mrs Watson. I'm the other Holmes.
Mary Watson: You mean there's *two* of you? How marvelous! Could this evening get any better?
Sherlock Holmes: Madam, this is a glorious hedgehog goulash. I can't remember ever having had better.
Dr. John Watson: Do tell me, when was the last time you had a hedgehog goulash?
Sherlock Holmes: I told you, Watson, I can't remember.
Dr. John Watson: [whispered] Perhaps you've repressed it.
Sherlock Holmes: [chuckles] That's where we differ. Unlike you, I repress nothing.
Dr. John Watson: Perfectly normal.
Sherlock Holmes: How dare you be rude to this women who has invited us into her tent, offered us her hedgehog?
Dr. John Watson: Says the man who throws women from trains.
[Holmes has arrived at the auction and is trying to defuse the motion-sensitive bomb intended for Dr. Hoffmanstahl]
Sherlock Holmes: One million pounds! Oh, and by the way, fire.
Dr. John Watson: [as he watches Sherlock drinking embalming fluid] You're drinking embalming fluid?
Sherlock Holmes: [exhales] Yes. Care for a drop?
Dr. John Watson: You do seem...
Sherlock Holmes: Excited?
Dr. John Watson: Manic.
Sherlock Holmes: I am.
Dr. John Watson: Verging on...
Sherlock Holmes: Ecstatic?
Dr. John Watson: Psychotic.
Dr. John Watson: [pause] I should've brought you a sedative.
Dr. John Watson: How did you know I would find you?
Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me. You collapsed a building on me.
Sherlock Holmes: [after they finish a short waltz] Who taught you to dance like that?
Dr. John Watson: [with a smile of reminiscence] You did.
[Holmes detects that an assassin is hiding on the ceiling and preparing to kill Simza; he compares taking the man out to preparing an omelet]
Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over] First, pillage the nest. Clip wings. Now, blunt his beak. Crack eggs. Scramble, pinch of salt. Touch of pepper. Flip the omelet. Additional seasoning required. Breakfast is served.
Mary Watson: I miss him too, in my own way.
Dr. John Watson: He would have wanted us to go to Brighton.
Mary Watson: He would have wanted to come with us.
[when Holmes has sedated Gladstone yet again]
Dr. John Watson: How many times are you going to kill my dog?
Colonel Sebastian Moran: [watching something moving behind a cover] What are you playing at?
[cover falls off to reveal a cannon aimed at him]
Colonel Sebastian Moran: ...That's not fair.
Sherlock Holmes: [lights pipe]
Dr. John Watson: What are we doing down here?
Sherlock Holmes: *We* are waiting. *I* am smoking.
Sherlock Holmes: Dear, dear, sickly sweet Nanny. Might I have a word?
[He uncovers the tray in her hands, revealing white rats under glass]
Sherlock Holmes: Yummy. Feed the snake, woman.
Mrs. Hudson: You feed it!
Sherlock Holmes: Touchy, touchy.
Dr. John Watson: [seeing Holmes's drag outfit] What?
Sherlock Holmes: I agree it's not my best disguise.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, how I've missed you, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Have you? Why? I've barely noticed your absence.
Sherlock Holmes: [whistling A Little Night Music and stops] I forgot the rest!
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, it's coming back.
Dr. John Watson: [upon receiving the oxygen mask as an indication that Holmes may be alive] Mary? Who delivered this parcel?
Mary Watson: [offscreen] The postman.
Dr. John Watson: [as he leaves the room] The usual chap or... did he look peculiar?
Dr. John Watson: [voice-over] The year was 1891. Storm clouds were brewing over Europe. France and Germany were at each other's throats, the result of a series of bombings. Some said it was the Nationalists. Others, the anarchists. But as usual, my friend Sherlock Holmes, had a different theory entirely.
Professor Moriaty: Rest assured, if you attempt to bring destruction down upon me, I shall do the same to you. My respect for you, Mr. Holmes, is the only reason you are still alive.
Sherlock Holmes: You've paid me several compliments. Let me pay you one in return when I say that, if I were assured of the former eventuality, I would cheerfully accept the latter.
Sherlock Holmes: [to Moriarity] My horror at your crimes is matched only by my admiratio of the skill it took to achieve them.
Sherlock Holmes: [referring to Moriarty] If we can stop him, we shall prevent the collapse of Western civilization... No pressure.
Sherlock Holmes: What better place to start a war than a peace summit?
Professor Moriaty: [as he writes his notes] Fine choice, this place. Do you have the letter?
Irene Adler: It was taken.
Professor Moriaty: Taken? That is unfortunate.
Irene Adler: During the chaos created by your package.
Irene Adler: [to the waiter who is serving her tea] Thank you.
Irene Adler: Perhaps, if you had shared your plans.
Professor Moriaty: You wish to know my plans now, dear? Do you imagine, Miss Adler, that something would happen to you? Is that why you chose to meet here in a public place? Your favorite restaurant?
[Moran taps his glass three times, causing everyone in the restaurant to immediately leave]
Professor Moriaty: [revealing himself to Irene] I don't blame you. I blame myself. It's been apparent to me for some time that you would succumb to your feelings for him. It isn't the first occasion that Mr. Holmes inconvenienced me in recent months. The question is: What to do about it? That is my problem to solve now. I no longer require your services
[sipping his tea while Adler collapse to her death]
Irene Adler: [as her thugs are getting ready to beat Holmes] Be careful with the face, boys! We do have a dinner date tonight.
Sherlock Holmes: [looks at Watson's gun] Get that out of my face.
Dr. John Watson: It's not in your face; it's in my hand.
Sherlock Holmes: Get what's in your hand out of my face!
Dr. John Watson: I'm on my honeymoon!
[Watson kicks Holmes on the bum]
Dr. John Watson: Why did you lead them here! Why did you involve us?
Sherlock Holmes: They're not here for me they are here for you! Fortunately... so am I.
Sherlock Holmes: [riding a pony] Slow and steady wins the race.
Mycroft Holmes: [referring to Watson] You know, he's nothing like as slow witted as you've been leading me to believe, Sherly.
Sherlock Holmes: [referring to his disguise] It's so overt it's covert.
Sherlock Holmes: Are you familiar with the study of graphology?
Professor Moriaty: I have never given it any serious thought, no.
Sherlock Holmes: The psychological analysis of handwriting. The upwards strokes on the p, the j, the m indicate a genius level intellect. The flourishes on the lower zone denote a highly creative yet meticulous nature. But if one observes the overall slant and pressure of the handwriting there is a suggestion of acute narcissism, a complete lack of empathy, and pronounced inclination toward...
Professor Moriaty: No!
Sherlock Holmes: ...moral insanity.
Professor Moriaty: Are you sure you want to play this game?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm afraid you'd lose.
[after Holmes's booby-trap drives back Moriarty's assassins on the train]
Sherlock Holmes: That was no accident. It was by design. Now, do you need me to elaborate... or can we just crack on?
Dr. John Watson: [Sherlock holds out his hand towards Watson] I thought you'd never ask.
[Watson and Holmes start to dance together]
Sherlock Holmes: I'm knee-deep in the single most important case of my career.
Mrs. Hudson: Doctor, you must get him to a sanatorium. He's been on a diet of coffee, tobacco, and coca leaves. He never sleeps. I hear multiple voices as if he's rehearsing for a play...
Dr. John Watson: Leave him to me.
Sherlock Holmes: [appears next to her] Don't you have a goat that needs worming?
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, how kind of you to remind me. So much to look forward to. What would I do without you?
Professor Moriaty: [to Holes] My repect for you, Mr. Holmes, is the only reason you're still alive.
Sherlock Holmes: SPOILER: The most formidable criminal mind in Europe, has just had all his money stolen. By perhaps the most inept inspector in the history of Scotland Yard.
Sherlock Holmes: [getting ready to be shot at] Make it count!
Sherlock Holmes: You have the supply, new you require the demand. A war with everyone... a world war.
Sherlock Holmes: Herr Hoffmanstahl, you should count yourself lucky. This faceless man with whom you find yourself in business is no ordinary criminal. He's the Napoleon of crime. Fortunately, you now have me as an ally. I'm a consulting detective of some repute. Perhaps you've heard of me? My name is Sherlock...
Sherlock Holmes: [Holmes coughs/clears his throat] ... Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Do you trust me?
Mary Watson: No.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, then I shall have to do something about that.
[pushes Mary Watson out of train]
Madam Simza Heron: Welcome. I am Madam Simza. Cards can illuminate your past... clarify your present, and show you the future. If you have a specific question, hold it in your mind.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm. I'm... holding.
Madam Simza Heron: Let me know when you're ready.
Sherlock Holmes: [taking her tarot cards] Actually, I'd prefer to read... your fortune.
[laying cards out as they talk]
Sherlock Holmes: Temperance... inverted. Indicative of volatility. A woman who has recently taken her comfort in drink. From what does she seek solace? What does she not wish to see?
Madam Simza Heron: A fool embarrassing himself?
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm.
Madam Simza Heron: Hmm.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yes. The Fool. Someone has been led astray, involved in something without their knowledge.
Madam Simza Heron: Not bad, but, um, you have to make me believe you. I have to see it in your eyes.
Sherlock Holmes: Right. I can do better.
Madam Simza Heron: Uh-huh.
Sherlock Holmes: The Two of Cups, a powerful bond. But between whom? A brother and sister, perhaps? And I see a name. Yes, it's... Rene.
Madam Simza Heron: What do you want?
Sherlock Holmes: The Devil.
Madam Simza Heron: Why are we playing this game?
[he hands a letter over]
Madam Simza Heron: Where did you get this?
Sherlock Holmes: I stole it from a woman in an auction room, but I believe it was intended for you.
[opening it, she finds a handmade drawing; turning it over, she reads the text on the back in French]
Madam Simza Heron: "Sim, my love. Remember my face, as you will never see it again. That is the price I must pay to change the course of history. I have finally found my purpose in life."
Sherlock Holmes: "Found my purpose in life." So, the question I've been holding is, what purpose is Rene fulfilling?
Madam Simza Heron: Time is up. I have other clients.
Sherlock Holmes: [standing to leave] Though you may not have detected the wisp of Astrakhan fur snagged on a nail over my left shoulder, you couldn't have failed to notice the overpowering aroma of herring pickled in vodka in tandem with a truly unfortunate body odor. There's a man concealed in the rafters above us. A Cossack, renowned for their infeasible acrobatic abilities and are notorious for moonlighting as assassins. So it's safe to presume that your next client is here to kill you.
Dr. John Watson: You completely forgot about my stag party, didn't you? Why are we here?
Mycroft Holmes: [approaching] Your very good health, Doctor. Shame none of your friends could make it.
[Sherlock laughs and Watson chuckles sarcastically]
Dr. John Watson: I'm going to the gaming tables. I refuse for this night to be a total loss. Give me my money.
Sherlock Holmes: Happily. Give me the wedding ring.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, now you're interested in being the best man. You're supposed to keep the ring anyway. Just as you're supposed to organize my stag party.
Sherlock Holmes: [handing some money over] You don't want to lose it on a bet, John.
Dr. John Watson: And invite my friends, of which, by the way, there are many. You're the one with no friends, Sherly No Mates.
Mycroft Holmes: [watching him leave] He's all "me, me, me", isn't he?
Dr. John Watson: I see your web of conspiracy has expanded.
Sherlock Holmes: [regarding his dislike of having to ride horses] It's 1891, we could have charted a balloon!
Dr. John Watson: Holmes, how did you know I would find you?
Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me, you collapsed a building on me.
Dr. John Watson: [Teading Holmes' note aloud] Come at once if convenient.
[Turning the note over]
Dr. John Watson: If inconvenient, come all the same.
Professor Moriaty: Once we've concluded our business here... it's important you know... I shall endeavor to find the most creative of endings for the Doctor... and his Wife.
Dr. John Watson: Why are you looking at me with such concern?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm so very worried. Your vitality's been drained from you. Marriage is the end, I tell you.
Dr. John Watson: I think of it as the beginning.
Sherlock Holmes: Armageddon.
Dr. John Watson: Rebirth.
Sherlock Holmes: Restriction.
Dr. John Watson: Structure.
Sherlock Holmes: Answering to a woman.
Dr. John Watson: Being in a relationship. A life in matrimony, the possibility of a family. Who wants to die alone?
Sherlock Holmes: We'll have a good old-fashioned romp tonight you'll settle down, have a family, and I'll die alone.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, that's about it.
Professor Moriaty: Have you actually read the book?
Sherlock Holmes: I found it compelling though I'm primarily interested in your more recent endeavors.
Mycroft Holmes: Although these gentlemen may be talking peace believe me, they're readying their armies at home.
Dr. John Watson: SPOILER: A few words may suffice, to tell the little that remains. Any attempt at finding the bodies was absolutely hopeless. They are still there, deep down in that dreadful cauldron of swirling water and searing foam. Alive for all time, the most dangerous criminal and foremost champion of the law of their generation. I shall ever regard him as the best, and the wisest man whom I've ever known.