Central Intelligence (2016)
Kevin Hart: Calvin Joyner
[from end of movie bloopers]
Calvin Joyner : Are you not a super tool? You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht. You're Bob Stone!
Bob Stone : Shh! I made that name up.
Calvin Joyner : So what?
Bob Stone : It's not real.
Calvin Joyner : What does that mean? What, you think Mr. T, and Sting, and The Rock... You think those guys are real? That's a bunch of dumbass nicknames by a bunch of dumbass people.
Calvin Joyner : He got a banana!
Maggie : Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.
Calvin Joyner : What do, what do you mean, "Someone"? What do you mean?
Maggie : See someone, like a, like a therapist.
Calvin Joyner : Uh, Honey, black people don't go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That's where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.
Calvin Joyner : [gets handed iPad by a CIA agent] Um, this is PornHub.
Calvin Joyner : [seated between two angry CIA agents] I'm-I'm gonna, I'm gonna address the elephant in the room. Okay, fir-first of all, you... You guys, I want to say sorry to. Because wha-wha-what you're probably thinking is not what happened. Accidents! I know you're like, "How can you accidentally pistol-whip somebody and shoot somebody?" Well, it can happen. Okay? Today is proof that it can happen. So... I'm glad I got to get that off my chest.
Agent Pamela Harris : Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.
Calvin Joyner : Okay, thank you.
Agent Pamela Harris : Trust me, I know a scared-shitless civilian when I see one.
Jared the Airport Security Guard : Sir, you cannot be in here. This is a private airfield.
Calvin Joyner : I understand that but I have an organ in this cooler right now that needs to be transported ASAP.
Jared the Airport Security Guard : Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.
Calvin Joyner : Well, I hate to break it to you, but this, this is not a, uh... This is not a heart.
Jared the Airport Security Guard : Oh, it's not a heart?
Calvin Joyner : No, it's not.
Jared the Airport Security Guard : Hmm. What is it then?
Calvin Joyner : It's a dick.
Jared the Airport Security Guard : Okay. I am made of questions right now.
Calvin Joyner : Let's go.
Bob Stone : Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.
Thugged Out : Hey, how about this? Why don't you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other off in the parking lot?
Calvin Joyner : That's, that's a lot...
Bob Stone : Yeah. You're right, CJ. That's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.
Calvin Joyner : Are you familiar with Facebook?
Agent Pamela Harris : We surveil it.
Calvin Joyner : He sent me a friend request. That, that, that's how this whole thing started.
Agent Pamela Harris : And you accepted?
Calvin Joyner : Oh, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that to me. Don't do that. You give me a second. Okay? Don't, don't, don't fire back like that. Fir-fir-first of all, fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right? Now, I accepted because it was Facebook. And it's rude when you don't accept it and I don't know if the person on the other end can see me not accept it. That's why I accepted.
Calvin Joyner : Hey, wait. Whatever happened to that girl that you liked in high school? Oh, God, man. The Doogie Howser girl. She was, like, fourteen, but somehow she was a senior. She wore a cape.
Bob Stone : Darla McGuckian.
Calvin Joyner : Darla McGuckian. "Yucky Gucky." Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?
Bob Stone : Two of 'em.
Calvin Joyner : Bob, is that my jacket? I can't...
Bob Stone : Yes!
Calvin Joyner : No, wait a minute.
Bob Stone : Yes!
Calvin Joyner : Oh, my God! Dude, where'd you get this from?
Bob Stone : Well, I sleep in it most nights, but it's clean now, totally good. Yeah!
Calvin Joyner : Man! You are the man! Yes!
Bob Stone : Family hug! What?
Calvin Joyner : Ooh. Okay.
Bob Stone : All right, let's go!
Calvin Joyner : Okay. All right.