What If (I) (2013)
Wallace: In fairy tales, love inspires you to be noble and courageous, but in real life, love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior. You can lie and cheat and hurt people, and it's all okay because you're in love.
Wallace: I remember the night Allan and Nicole met. And that instant conection. If you're lucky it happens once in a lifetime and if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings and listen to people like me talking about it. And asume we're all hopeless romantics... It's very easy to be cynical about love, but this, tonight, this is hard.
Allan: It's complicated. All this love shit's complicated. And that's good. Beecause if it's too simple you've got no reason to try, and if you've got no reason to try you don't.
Nicole: What's the best case scenario?
Nicole: Look, the one thing I like about getting married is that you get to stand up in front of everyone you care about and state for the record that you believe in the best case scenario.
Allan: I just had sex and I'm about to eat NACHOS! IT'S THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
Wallace: And what is the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Chantry: My mom died when I was is junior high.
Chantry: Uhm... , she had breast cancer.
Chantry: You don't realise how quickly everything can fall apart until it does, it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again
Wallace: I thought a lot about something you said. About how when you realize how quickly everything can fall apart it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. Whatever this is between us, it is good. It is so good. It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want it to be over.
Chantry: I don't want it to be over either. I kind of wish we could invent a time machine or something.
Wallace: If we ever invent time travel, I would go back to the night we met.
Chantry: [moves in closer] You would?
Chantry: What would you do differently?
Wallace: [smiles] Nothing.
Chantry: [also smiles] Me too.
Chantry: [Whispering] Um... Are you alone?
Wallace: Like... in the universe?
Chantry: No, in the hallway!
Chantry: And you know what? Treating it like a joke IS being an asshole.
Wallace: I'm not treating this like a joke. And I am not being an asshole. ALLAN is being an asshole and NICOLE is being an asshole, and right now, YOU'RE kinda being an asshole. Me? I'm standing here with a BRANCH! A branch that cuts down approximately ZERO percent of the windchill factor on my DICK, okay! I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag! How does that make me an asshole?
Allan: A hundred percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.
Wallace: Whoa! You are a hundred percent honest with Nicole?
Wallace: About everything?
Wallace: Wh... New Orleans, 2006! What was her name... Uh, Fabia? Yeah, she did LOOK like a woman, to be fair!
Allan: Ninety-nine percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.
Wallace: I don't want the sex to be too good right away.
Wallace: I'm intentionally being much worse in bed than I actually am, so that it can just keep getting better and better forever.
Chantry: But like, very slowly over many, many decades, so that we hit our sexual peak in our 90s.
Wallace: That's the plan, actually... is if the last time we have sex is also the best, and that it actually kills you.
Chantry: That wouldn't be such a bad way to go.
Chantry: I think I messed it up really bad. I called him a liar. And I think I might be the liar.
Chantry: Yes. I mean, I think it might count as lying if you lie to yourself.
Chantry: Hey... I need to wear something to this company dinner with our production partners in Taiwan. What do you think?
Wallace: I think that's quite a dress.
Chantry: [Whispering] Do you think it's, like, a little too slutty for me?
Wallace: [Whispering back] No. Nothing is too slutty for you.