MacGruber: Looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.
Frank Korver: You're looking pretty good yourself.
MacGruber: Well, everday's a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 pound python in your jeans.
Frank Korver: You and your dick comments.
MacGruber: It's fun to say them.
Frank Korver: It's fun to hear them.
MacGruber: That's why I say them.
Frank Korver: And that's why I listen.
MacGruber: [begging for Piper to join team] Don't make me beg here, because I will do it. I am so sorry, I am so goddamn sorry! Look I'm freaking out here! I killed them! I killed them all! I'm so fucking stupid! I don't know what I'm doing and everybody hates me!
MacGruber: I will suck your dick, I will suck your fucking dick, just join my team. I'll suck your dick, you can fuck me, you can get fucked by me. You can watch me fuck something? Just point at something in the room and I'll fuck it for you! Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
Lt. Dixon Piper: Jesus Christ, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Just tell me what you want me to fuck!
Col. James Faith: They were nice funerals.
MacGruber: Yeah. What did you think of my eulogies?
Col. James Faith: Very touching. I might have cut back on the F-words a little.
MacGruber: Well, they were fucking great guys. And this is a fucking asshole of a day.
Lt. Dixon Piper: Why did he do it? Why did Cunth kill your wife?
MacGruber: To this day, I have no idea. We actually all went to college together. Believe it or not, we were very close friends. Then after graduation, he got engaged to her. He asked me to be his best man and right about that time, I started banging her and mowing her box. She was actually the first person I felt comfortable enough around to let eat out my butt. Anyway, shortly thereafter, she left him for me. She was actually carrying his child at the time. I asked her to terminate it, obviously, so we could start fresh. And she agreed. We were so in love. And he took that from me.
Lt. Dixon Piper: That's really fucked up.
MacGruber: Hoss Bender, dead at the age of who the fuck cares.
MacGruber: Relax Vicki this is just like Nicaragua...
Vicki St. Elmo: I got shot in Nicaragua!
MacGruber: This is nothing like Nicaragua.
Dieter Von Cunth: You punch like a little girl.
MacGruber: Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl. 'Cause after I disarm this nuke, I'm gonna cut off your dick and...
Dieter Von Cunth: Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record!
MacGruber: The only record I'm gonna break is the "amount of your own dick in your mouth" record.
Lt. Dixon Piper: What is the plan?
MacGruber: Well, I kind of make it up as I go.
Lt. Dixon Piper: That's not really a plan then.
MacGruber: Okay, so it's not a plan. Look, I'm not good with plans. And I'm not good with clues. What I am good with is kicking ass and ripping throats.
MacGruber: Macgrubie don't play like homie, and homie don't play like that.
Lt. Dixon Piper: The Legendary MacGruber. Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.
MacGruber: That was a long time ago.
MacGruber: Okay, so once we take out the guards, Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss, and then we'll just, you know, see what happens. You ready?
Lt. Dixon Piper: Wait. Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?
MacGruber: Piper, there's a big difference between winging it and seeing what happens. Now let's see what happens.
MacGruber: Let me tell you how this is gonna go down. First I'm gonna kick you in the chin, breaking your jaw in four places. I'm gonna take you and karate flip you over my back, and then knee your nose into your brain, killing you instantly. I do wanna get a throat rip in here. I think that's gonna be you, small fry. One thing I do know, at the end of the day, Cunth, I'm gonna rip your dick off and shove it in your mouth. And that is non-negotiable. Who's first?
Vicki St. Elmo: Where were you?
MacGruber: Sorry, I just took an upper decker in the bathroom.
Vicki St. Elmo: A what?
MacGruber: An upper decker, its when you take a dump in the water tank instead of bowl, never mind.
MacGruber: You're loco, man! Subtitles: "You're crazy, man!"
MacGruber: How's your nose, rookie?
Lt. Dixon Piper: It's fine. I just banged it into a giant vagina.
MacGruber: So, my face is a vagina, huh? Well, I bet you wish your nose was a dick... so you could fuck butts.
MacGruber: My name is MacGruber, Remember... that... NAME!
[He throws the microphone into the glass window, smashing it and scaring the audience]
MacGruber: All right, we got a nuclear warhead to... Holy shit!
[sees a mass of confusing wires inside the missile nose-cone]
Vicki St. Elmo: What's wrong, MacGruber?
MacGruber: What the fuck is this!
Lt. Dixon Piper: lt's a warhead, MacGruber. You can defuse it, right?
MacGruber: Are you kidding me? Look at all this crap. There's, like, a million wires in here. l'm more like a three-wire guy.
MacGruber: Okay, now, piece of advice. When you use the old celery trick, you're gonna wanna go with the thick end. Seems counter-intuitive, but if you go thin end first, it just slides right out and you're... You're wasting your time.
Lt. Dixon Piper: l'm never, ever gonna do that.
MacGruber: Never ever say "Never ever." Okay, follow me.
Lt. Dixon Piper: There are too many guys. l need you to take two of these guns.
MacGruber: l told you, l do not use guns.
Lt. Dixon Piper: Well, you better start, because sticking a piece of fucking celery up your ass ain't gonna hack it this time.
MacGruber: l'm not going to use a gun!
Lt. Dixon Piper: Why?
MacGruber: Because I don't know how. Okay?
Lt. Dixon Piper: I don't fucking believe it.
MacGruber: They scare me.
MacGruber: I can't wait to kill you.
Dieter Von Cunth: [tauntingly] Oh, I want my mommy! What, is MacGruber gonna' rip my throat out?
MacGruber: No, l want your throat to stay right where it is so l can hear you scream bloody murder when l cut off your dick and shove it in your mouth - TONIGHT!
Dieter Von Cunth: Oh, that sounds like a real fun Tuesday, but l've already got other plans. See, in about four minutes, l'm gonna' to turn Washington D.C. into a pile of ash. And then l've got a big pile of money to count.
MacGruber: How do you make money killing millions of innocent people?
Dieter Von Cunth: Really? l thought that was clear. Uh... Someone pays me to do it. You see, l can't say who 'cause that would be gossiping... lt's the Chinese.
MacGruber: You make me sick!