The Tank

If you survive the first 40 minutes or so (of introduction) without falling into Morpheus's gentle and comforting arms, you get a pretty standard "horror" flick with some monsters, lots of stupid decisions, in the end I rooted for the beasts. The Tank tries to be something like The Descent but can't compete on any level - production, story, thrill, acting, everything is inferior to The Descent. The premise of The Tank is not that bad, maybe even interesting, but the execution is, well, just boring. Recommendation: if you want to really waste some time (like I did), maybe with the notion that you are immortal and you have a lot of time to waste, put The Tank on your menu, if not, watch something else.

The news teased the viewers with an upcoming old school practical fx creature feature. Well, technically it is, but what we, monster movie fans, love about the genre is when you actually see the creature a lot. The Tank is terribly slow paced and only after one hour of dull conversations and flashbacks some limited action starts.

The monster: awfully generic and it's given a bit more screen time than in the trailers.

The writing: the plot is driven by dumb, absolutely illogical decisions of the characters.

True monster flicks fans will be disappointed.

If you're curious anyway, fast forward the first 60 min and don't expect much.

All of my life I've seen horror films. Along with science fiction and fantasy, these are my staple. I've seen more than three decades of movies and TV shows.

This film's premise is about a creature that has adapted to stalking its prey in absolute darkness. The creature has spawned and is expanding its territory. Ironically the creature's next prey are human beings, themselves invaders of the animal kingdom. This seems almost like a documentary, the way I've explained the creature and its habits.

The movie is about a family of three moving into the owner's parents house that was left abandoned for many years following an accident.

Soon they discover they are not alone, and something sinister is stalking them that lives under their house.

Verdict: average acting, above average real special effects not CGI, good sound-effects and photography. But the script and direction is questionable. Don't expect a solid climax to a film like this with a bad script. The movie's ending leads me to believe possibly a sequel is on the way, not that I'd be intrigued enough to see it.

More classic creature movies: The Silver Bullet(1985), The Monster Squad(1987), Killer Klowns From Outer Space(1988) and Tremors(1990).

Thank you for reading this review and as Mister Spock always says: live long and prosper.

It's not that The Tank is a completely horrible film.

The acting is rather decent.

The monster is kind of cool (at least it's not horribly rendered with CGI).

And it has a dark and foreboding atmosphere.

The basic premise here, is that a giant storm, in the distant past, washed a bunch of axolotls (or other such amphibious creatures) from the ocean, into the septic tank of a house in a remote community...causing them to mutate into carnivorous human-eating salamanders (or, possibly, reptiles)...as a result of their exposure to human excrement.

At least that is what is implied...I think.

However, it's rather hard to get around the ridiculous logic on which the story is based.

First and foremost, the way the father finds and enters the tank- which supposedly awakens/releases the beast- is absurd.

Literally noone goes to a new place...sees an overgrown grate...and is overcome with the curiosity to lift and enter it.

It's just not plausible, or believable.

And comes off completely forced.

Not to mention, axolotls don't even live in the ocean...and if they did get washed into a septic tank (by some freak course of nature)...that doesn't really meet the criteria of them becoming "land based" creatures.

On top of that...not only is the whole first half of the film incredibly basic...it's also rather boring.

With the introduction of characters (outside of the family) coming off as equally forced as the father entering the septic tank in the first place.

Plus, the way the monster first appears, also doesn't make any sense- as it seems to be some sort of supernatural force, as opposed to an actual flesh and blood creature.

I guess, if you can suspend disbelief- and ignore all the logical inconsistencies around which the story is based- you can garner some enjoyment from watching the film...despite it's mediocrity.

You just have to accept that it is all some sort of divine cosmic intervention, to bring karmic justice upon a family that dabbles in the trafficking of endangered species (for the purpose of the pet trade).

At least they put a little imagination into it...by taking some of the world's cutest creatures...and transforming them into terrifying monstrous beasts, hellbent on the destruction of humanity.

So...there's that, at least.

But I can't help but think that this was a completely avoidable situation.

3.5 out of 10.

The Tank (very original name) provides little in the way of new ideas to the creature feature genre. For everything the movie does right, there are so many things that it does wrong. In fact, let me make the same recommendation a character in the film does - run - as far away from this film as possible.

The film introduces us to Ben (Matt Whelan), his wife Jules (Luciane Buchanan) and daughter Reia (Zara Nausbaum). Apparently, they have fallen on hard times, though the film never shows them struggling financially, what with a lucrative pet store and all. But, luck is on their side and in walks Amos (Mark Mitchinson), who works on behalf of Ben's late mother's estate, who says that a long-lost property in her name is to be passed down to him. Well, it seems like the family set off that same afternoon to check out the residence. Now, when I travelled to China, I packed two suitcases. This family are planning on moving into a new dwelling, and they haven't even a single bag. Interesting. But, luck is on their side (again), and not only is the property fully-furnished, but generally well-maintained too! Funny, how a thirty-year-old property, untouched by man, has not been reclaimed by nature.

Now, a glaring issue right off the bat is the film does little to establish the family as a group of loving people. They never eat or cook together. They never go to the bathroom (not sure there even is one). Other than Jules reading a bedtime story to Reia, the trio could very well be a group of strangers that live together. The same issue is applied to the setting - characters talk about 'gas stations' and 'police departments' and ' towns', but never do we see any of these, the film using only four sets (pet shop, (a tiny section of) forest, house, tank), which makes it difficult to identify with the world or its characters. A further shame, is the house is set atop of a beautiful peninsula, bordered by forest, though never is this setting used to maximum benefit.

Returning to the new home, it's equipped with a near endless supply of fuel (we're told it's running on empty, but this is a non-issue), and a tank that connects to a natural spring (though never does the film explain how the water goes from the tank to their faucets). The tank in question seems to run the entire length of the property, and it does not take long for the family to find something in there - a seemingly rare species of, well, salamander, I guess - but with teeth. Of course, the family are unphased (there is a lot that unphased them to be honest). From their first evening at the house, the family begin experiencing strange occurrences, to which Jules says 'I saw a monster' and Ben says 'I see nothing'. Jules says 'I want to leave' and Ben literally says 'we can't' - the same cliche conversations that have been played out a billion times before are employed so characters make dumb decisions for the convenience of the plot.

It is here that the mystery of what happened to Ben's family becomes a main staple, and is actually one of the better aspects of the film. The missing pages of a journal fuel Jules to want to know more - and know more she will, when she, an hour into the film, opens a locked room to which she had the keys for. The. Entire. Time. This convenience is just another of the many that plague this movie, which is also not limited to; blocked roads that become magically passable in the next scene; police who need to be contacted in person, but are then contacted with a portable radio not five minutes later; characters who are told to shush, but then scream louder than the atomic bomb so the monster can hear them; characters who know the creature is amphibious, but only use this knowledge to their benefit when the story tells them to - the list goes on.

Speaking of, it is right after the film reaches the 60-minute mark, that we are fully introduced to the 'monster'. Director Scott Walker clearly thinks he has something that would make Godzilla blush with envy - the problem - he does not. This is one of those times where less is most certainly more. Don't get me wrong - if you squint, the creature could *almost* be mistaken for the alien in Ridley Scott's 1979 masterpiece, while the inclusion of its breath against glass is a nice touch too. When it opens its mouth for the first time, the effect is...fine...at least until you realize that it's basically a gigantic anal sphincter (tell me I'm wrong?!) Moreover, it is all too obviously a person in a suit - and not even in a so-bad-its-good way - you really get the feeling the filmmakers are proud of these effects, and the question needs to be asked - what made them so confident? The same could be said for the glaring errors - example, a creature breaks through a car window, and one scene later, the window is fine. Did anyone check this and say 'hang on, I think we may need to change this.'

As the film drags towards its inevitable finish, Ben, who is originally shown to be a bit of a handy-man, becomes plainly useless, and Jules is revealed to be some kind of dragon slayer - where a bite from a monster badly wounds Ben, Jules shakes it off like Xena Warrior Princess and keeps going - unlikely (especially when you consider how other characters are torn limb from limb - on that note, kudos to the gore department). Too much of the finale is filmed in cramped quarters, like the filmmakers are deliberately trying to stop you from seeing the sound-stage, and between this and Jules' invulnerability, the film's tension is dialed down to minus eleven. I kept expecting the film to do more - maybe guide me into a false sense of security before pulling the rug out from under me - but that was giving the film way too much credit. The Tank is content being a D-grade, cliche, creature feature, and though that might have been fine fifty years ago, we have older monster movies that have aged so much better than this one ever will.