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"Royal Pains" Pilot (TV Episode 2009) Poster

(TV Series)

(2009)

Quotes

Hank Lawson: [noticing the wealth of Tucker's residence] And who is "Dad?"

Tucker Bryant: Uh, Marshall David Bryant IV.

Hank Lawson: Never heard of him.

Tucker Bryant: Yeah, uh, well, that's 'cause this is my great-grandfather's money he spends, collecting all those toys.

Hank Lawson: Who's your great-grandfather?

Tucker Bryant: Uh, Marshall David Bryant II.

Hank Lawson: Never hear of him either.

Tucker Bryant: Ever use a blender?

Hank Lawson: Yeah.

Tucker Bryant: You're welcome.

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Dr. Hank Lawson: [looking at the not-so-grand hotel where they're going to stay] Fit for a king, huh?

Evan Lawson: Uh, I didn't say which country.

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Hank Lawson: Trip? What trip?

Evan Lawson: Are you kidding? To the Hamptons! I've been telling you about this all month.

Hank Lawson: Yeah, and all month I've been saying "No way."

Evan Lawson: I thought you meant no way like "No WAY!"

Hank Lawson: I haven't meant it that way since I was ten.

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Hank Lawson: You really came prepared.

Divya: Core wound care, home diagnostics, infusion I.V.

Hank Lawson: Why does a P.A. drive around with them in her trunk?

Divya: Well, they were on sale.

Hank Lawson: Divya.

Divya: Look, I want to show you all I can bring to the table. I mean, besides my work ethic, my knowledge of the Hamptons, my relationships with the locals...

Evan Lawson: [interrupts] Your superbly well-toned figure.

Divya: Don't objectify me, sidekick.

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Libby: Please, Hank, you have to save him. It's Tucker.

Hank Lawson: [thoughtful] Okay, I need a bottle of Vodka, a very sharp pointed knife, a... a Bic pen, a sandwich baggie and some duct tape.

Libby: Sandwich baggie, duct tape. Who are you? MacGuyver?

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Ms. Newberg: I've got a flat tire.

Hank Lawson: Okay, I'm not Triple A.

Ms. Newberg: [exasperated that he doesn't catch on] No!

[opens her coat]

Ms. Newberg: A flat TIRE!

Hank Lawson: [short delay] Oh...

Divya Katdare: ...Dear.

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Evan Lawson: What's my favorite sport, Hank?

Dr. Hank Lawson: Extreme social climbing?

Evan Lawson: [brief pause] Yeah. Yeah.

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Evan Lawson: Bro, this is where God would party.

Dr. Hank Lawson: [trying to speak over the noise] If he could get in.

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Boris: [after Hank tries to get someone to call 911] No paramedics.

Dr. Hank Lawson: You mean no cops.

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Boris Kuester von Jurgens-Ratenicz: Life isn't always simple.

Dr. Hank Lawson: Well, death is.

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[Snaps a picture of April]

Evan Lawson: Sorry. I just gotta... send that to...

Evan Lawson: [to himself] ... everyone I've ever met.

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Dr. Hank Lawson: Yeah, man plans, God laughs.

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N.Y. Hospital Administrator: [as she delivers the verdict] ... and your star was only on the rise.

Dr. Hank Lawson: Was?

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[a couple of pretty girls pass by]

Evan Lawson: How are ya?

Dr. Hank Lawson: [semi-appalled] Dude, they can't even vote.

Evan Lawson: What?... What?

Dr. Hank Lawson: It's just wrong.

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Evan Lawson: [speaking into his phone] Note to self: Become a doctor.

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Dr. Hank Lawson: [to Libby] You're just a cyberchondriac - a rabid cyberchondriac, I'm afraid - but, uh, it's nothing that'll kill you.

Tucker Bryant: [stifles a laugh; Libby looks at him] Sorry.

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Tucker Bryant: [to Hank, about Libby] Yeah, dude, don't punk the 'crackberry.' She'll light yo ass up like a Christmas tree.

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Evan Lawson: Honestly, it smells so bad... It smells like a moose had sex with a bucket of Chinese food in here, like musty... and you kind of look like Jesus and Patrick Dempsey had a child, and that child grew older and then got really sick.

Dr. Hank Lawson: That's weird.

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[to a model who's flirting with him at the party]

Hank Lawson: I have no money, no job, and my Saab is older than you.

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[last lines]

Dr. Silver: [to Hank] Dr. Hotshot! Those observant eyes of yours, you better keep 'em open wide, 'cause you ain't seen nothin' yet.

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Hospital Administrator: Well, bad luck rained and poured, didn't it, while you had our senior CT surgeon in another room?

Hank Lawson: To help me rescue a crashing patient. I made a judgment call.

Hospital Administrator: You made a mistake. A fatal one.

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Nikki: I think we need to postpone.

Hank Lawson: I'll see your postponement and raise you.

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Hank Lawson: Why would I want to spend tonight partying with a bunch of people whose biggest problems revolve around whether or not to send their Yorkshire terriers to therapy, huh? Give me one decent reason.

Evan Lawson: I'm gonna give you two. You're all out of booze.

Hank Lawson: Oh.

Evan Lawson: Two, Netflix froze your account.

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Evan Lawson: [finding a beautiful woman knocking at the front door] I'm still asleep, right?

April: Um, I'm looking for Hank.

Evan Lawson: Not if it's MY dream you're not.

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Hank Lawson: [noticing Tucker's limp] You know what? Let me have a look at that leg.

Tucker Bryant: Oh, no. I'm solid, man. I'm just a bit banged up, but what would be mighty fine of you is if we could keep this whole little episode on the DL?

Hank Lawson: [laughs] You don't think Dad'll notice the, uh, Ferrari Challenge out front that looks like it's been through your great-grandfather's invention?

Tucker Bryant: Uh, no. He's at his San-Tropez beach house for the next ten days. I have plenty of time.

Hank Lawson: That's a half-million-dollar piece of hand-assembled machinery. Ten days is plenty of time to repair it?

Tucker Bryant: No, not repair it, replace it.

Hank Lawson: Aren't there, like, seventy in the world?

Tucker Bryant: Uh, yeah, but I only need to buy one. Look, what Dad doesn't know won't hurt him, and you can't really put a price on not hurting your old man, right? I mean, this is what trust funds are for.

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Hank Lawson: I guess we can leave the toys in the car. Evan, that includes you!

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Hank Lawson: Ms. Newberg, you're in a hospital.

Ms. Newberg: No, this is not a hospital.

Hank Lawson: It's not?

Ms. Newberg: It's a socialist conspiracy. Apparently, if you're not holding your dismembered leg in your hand, you don't require treatment.

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Divya: Offer to pay him generously.

Hank Lawson: Divya.

Divya: He needs the money.

Ms. Newberg: I'll pay any amount.

Hank Lawson: That's not the point.

Ms. Newberg: I'll pay enough money to make it the point.

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Divya: Symmetry is the key to beauty.

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Evan Lawson: Come to the party, okay? Come on. It's an evening with New Parts Newberg. Like, how exclusive does THAT sound?

Hank Lawson: Consider me excluded.

Evan Lawson: What're you gonna do here?

Hank Lawson: Relax. Think.

Evan Lawson: Okay, cool, well, think hard - or not too hard. Whatever's better for me. But just so you know, as your brother and accountant...

Hank Lawson: Get out or you'll cease to be either one.

Evan Lawson: Bam. I love ya.

Hank Lawson: I like you.

Evan Lawson: [exiting] Have fun with your thoughts.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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