Chanbara Beauty: The Movie - Vortex
Original title: Oneechanbara: The Movie - Vortex
IMDb RATING
4.1/10
362
YOUR RATING
In 20XX the world is still overpopulated by Zombies and Aya and Saki stop fighting to join together against there new enemy, HimikoIn 20XX the world is still overpopulated by Zombies and Aya and Saki stop fighting to join together against there new enemy, HimikoIn 20XX the world is still overpopulated by Zombies and Aya and Saki stop fighting to join together against there new enemy, Himiko
- Director
- Writer
- All cast & crew
- Production, box office & more at IMDbPro
Storyline
Did you know
- TriviaIt has a very short post credits sequence.
- ConnectionsFollows Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (2006)
Featured review
I did this to myself. I knew it was going to be awful. There was never more than a real possibility otherwise, seeing as it's the direct-to-video sequel to a videogame adaptation that was one of the worst movies I've ever seen, and almost certainly the most boring. No one involved the first time around seemed to care about the film they were in, so why should this instance be any different? It surely couldn't be even worse, could it?
Well, there is a difference, and 'Chanbara beauty: Vortex' is distinctly worse than 'Onechanbara,' and here's why. In the 2008 picture no one in the cast or crew was remotely trying, and the result was flailing and floundering, as weak and pointless as a picture could possibly be. If you wanted action, it was treated poorly; if you wanted horror, it was treated poorly; if you wanted a cinematic interpretation of the videogames, you didn't even get the interactivity of gameplay; if you wanted an enjoyable full-length feature, you absolutely did not get one; if all you wanted was skin, as suggested by promotional materials and the infamous costume design of the videogame protagonist, even this was lacking. No, 'Onechanbara' didn't try at all, in any capacity. 'Chanbara beauty,' however, takes the opposite tack and tries way, way too hard, and in totally failing on every account, it arguably becomes more actively aggravating than its predecessor.
Dear reader, the actors are acting SO HARD. Just look at their faces! Ooh, the concentrated effort they're pouring into their acting! Grr! Arg! Rather than be bland and flavorless, this time the composers do try to put some pep in the step of the music, but the result is as hollow and spiritless as ever; imagine an enthusiastic musical artist performing to a concert venue that's almost completely empty, and you'll have a good sense of what's going on here. Instead of abysmal, bottom-dollar production values, this time folks try to make empty warehouses, bare streets, and open fields seem fancy by adding soft focus into the mix, making the fundamental image easy on the eyes but as false as false could be. The computer-generated imagery isn't always as painfully obvious as it was last time - only mostly - but I do wonder if it isn't even more gauchely proliferate; the action remains wildly stylized, and therefore dull and unexciting (remember Zack Snyder's '300?'), and is generally poorly visualized anyway, if not also poorly choreographed. We get tropes galore, questionably employed instances of blood and gore for their own sake, and definitely a lot more focus on women's bodies, not least as the "costume design" includes a bikini, a short miniskirt, a nightgown, and a skintight suit with an open midline. That should make the prepubescent boys in the audience happy (and the grown men who have the maturity of prepubescents).
Rotten cinematography, Rotten editing. Shoji Tsuyoshi's direction can be described in much the same terms of the acting, and if anything is generally more limp and contrived. Yoshiki Fukushima - well, he wrote a screenplay. There is a screenplay. It's a thing. There is a plot, but it's just as poorly written as before, and only an excuse for (a) zombies and (b) dressing grown women like little girls and playthings. It's also very poorly communicated through the trashy, hackneyed, halfhearted scene writing and dialogue. There's something to do with the special blood of sisters Aya and Saki, which had been brought up in the prior flick, too, but this sequel is just as laughably terrible about elucidating any such plot points or story ideas. Likewise, the character writing is appalling, and doubly so since the dynamics between Aya and Saki are supposed to be important in some manner; Saki just comes across as blisteringly, childishly senseless, and Aya mostly an empty shell, so whatever. Incredibly, the result of all these elements is that even as the cast and crew desperately attempted to infuse more vitality into the proceedings, and do some actual work this time around, these 85-90 minutes somehow feel even more vacant. More artificial. More meaningless. One side effect is that instead of being wholly indifferent to the flick I instead really can say that I despise it, and true dislike is in my opinion better than sheer boredom. Yet if splitting hairs in this fashion is how we distinguish between the respective level of quality of two kindred pieces, call me a cynic, but I don't think that reflects well on either.
As was the case with the 2008 antecedent, I fully admit that I'm clearly not in the target audience. Be that as it may, I cannot fathom how anyone could possibly find this remotely entertaining. There is no value here. Whatever one might theoretically want out of this film, you can get it elsewhere, and invariably more well done. We technically do get everything that was promised, but the price is far too steep to pay. Rarely has something that clocked in at under ninety minutes felt so interminably long. This has been a block of time that I'll never be able to get back; I have wasted a portion of my life watching this. I urge you, with all due sincerity, to give 'Chanbara beauty: Vortex,' and its predecessor, as very, very, very wide a berth as you conceivably can. This is utter rubbish, and there is no reason any other person should ever have to suffer through it.
Well, there is a difference, and 'Chanbara beauty: Vortex' is distinctly worse than 'Onechanbara,' and here's why. In the 2008 picture no one in the cast or crew was remotely trying, and the result was flailing and floundering, as weak and pointless as a picture could possibly be. If you wanted action, it was treated poorly; if you wanted horror, it was treated poorly; if you wanted a cinematic interpretation of the videogames, you didn't even get the interactivity of gameplay; if you wanted an enjoyable full-length feature, you absolutely did not get one; if all you wanted was skin, as suggested by promotional materials and the infamous costume design of the videogame protagonist, even this was lacking. No, 'Onechanbara' didn't try at all, in any capacity. 'Chanbara beauty,' however, takes the opposite tack and tries way, way too hard, and in totally failing on every account, it arguably becomes more actively aggravating than its predecessor.
Dear reader, the actors are acting SO HARD. Just look at their faces! Ooh, the concentrated effort they're pouring into their acting! Grr! Arg! Rather than be bland and flavorless, this time the composers do try to put some pep in the step of the music, but the result is as hollow and spiritless as ever; imagine an enthusiastic musical artist performing to a concert venue that's almost completely empty, and you'll have a good sense of what's going on here. Instead of abysmal, bottom-dollar production values, this time folks try to make empty warehouses, bare streets, and open fields seem fancy by adding soft focus into the mix, making the fundamental image easy on the eyes but as false as false could be. The computer-generated imagery isn't always as painfully obvious as it was last time - only mostly - but I do wonder if it isn't even more gauchely proliferate; the action remains wildly stylized, and therefore dull and unexciting (remember Zack Snyder's '300?'), and is generally poorly visualized anyway, if not also poorly choreographed. We get tropes galore, questionably employed instances of blood and gore for their own sake, and definitely a lot more focus on women's bodies, not least as the "costume design" includes a bikini, a short miniskirt, a nightgown, and a skintight suit with an open midline. That should make the prepubescent boys in the audience happy (and the grown men who have the maturity of prepubescents).
Rotten cinematography, Rotten editing. Shoji Tsuyoshi's direction can be described in much the same terms of the acting, and if anything is generally more limp and contrived. Yoshiki Fukushima - well, he wrote a screenplay. There is a screenplay. It's a thing. There is a plot, but it's just as poorly written as before, and only an excuse for (a) zombies and (b) dressing grown women like little girls and playthings. It's also very poorly communicated through the trashy, hackneyed, halfhearted scene writing and dialogue. There's something to do with the special blood of sisters Aya and Saki, which had been brought up in the prior flick, too, but this sequel is just as laughably terrible about elucidating any such plot points or story ideas. Likewise, the character writing is appalling, and doubly so since the dynamics between Aya and Saki are supposed to be important in some manner; Saki just comes across as blisteringly, childishly senseless, and Aya mostly an empty shell, so whatever. Incredibly, the result of all these elements is that even as the cast and crew desperately attempted to infuse more vitality into the proceedings, and do some actual work this time around, these 85-90 minutes somehow feel even more vacant. More artificial. More meaningless. One side effect is that instead of being wholly indifferent to the flick I instead really can say that I despise it, and true dislike is in my opinion better than sheer boredom. Yet if splitting hairs in this fashion is how we distinguish between the respective level of quality of two kindred pieces, call me a cynic, but I don't think that reflects well on either.
As was the case with the 2008 antecedent, I fully admit that I'm clearly not in the target audience. Be that as it may, I cannot fathom how anyone could possibly find this remotely entertaining. There is no value here. Whatever one might theoretically want out of this film, you can get it elsewhere, and invariably more well done. We technically do get everything that was promised, but the price is far too steep to pay. Rarely has something that clocked in at under ninety minutes felt so interminably long. This has been a block of time that I'll never be able to get back; I have wasted a portion of my life watching this. I urge you, with all due sincerity, to give 'Chanbara beauty: Vortex,' and its predecessor, as very, very, very wide a berth as you conceivably can. This is utter rubbish, and there is no reason any other person should ever have to suffer through it.
- I_Ailurophile
- Aug 9, 2024
- Permalink
Details
- Release date
- Country of origin
- Language
- Also known as
- Сестричка-мечница 2
- See more company credits at IMDbPro
- Runtime1 hour 25 minutes
- Color
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