- Spoilers (5)
Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.
Deadpool: [to the audience] I know right? You're probably thinking, "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Polverine."
[In an Australian accent]
Deadpool: And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.
[Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]
Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Deadpool: And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion] Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
Blind Al: I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
Deadpool: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
Deadpool: No. You're blind.
Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
Deadpool: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.
Deadpool: [Commenting on her shaved head] Ripley, from Alien 3!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.
Deadpool: [cackles] Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
Colossus: You will come talk with Professor Xavier.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.
Deadpool: A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like, sixteen walls.
Deadpool: [waving his broken wrists] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!
Deadpool: You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
Deadpool: [to Colossus] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
Deadpool: [chasing a crippled henchman on a zamboni] That's right! You're about to be killed by a zamboni!
Deadpool: Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're going to die! In five minutes!
Deadpool: [to Angel Dust] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.
Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...
[Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]
Deadpool: I mean, that's why I brought her?
[points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]
Deadpool: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]
Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
Wade Wilson: Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.
Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror films.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Deadpool: Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unfuckable.
Deadpool: Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]
Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
Weasel: [to Deadpool before he heads out on a suicide mission to save Vanessa] I'd go with you, but... I don't want to.
Deadpool: [Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth] I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!
Wade Wilson: Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn't that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
Wade Wilson: El cancer.
Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.
Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.
[Thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked. A window opens... ]
Deadpool: [raises his hands] Wait! You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.
[points at a thug on the left]
Deadpool: This guy's got the right idea. he wore the brown pants.
[Fires at Ajax multiple times and misses]
Deadpool: Bad Deadpool!
[Shoots another bad guy in the head]
Deadpool: Good Deadpool.
Deadpool: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.
Wade Wilson: [voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.
Deadpool: [as Angel Dust walk towards them] Finish fucking her the fuck up.
Colossus: Language, please.
Deadpool: Suck a cock.
Recruiter: What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most mean only dream of?
Wade Wilson: I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. More Shake Weight-y.
[after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns]
Deadpool: Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
Deadpool: [his head smashed into back of driver's seat] Rich Corinthian leather.
Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?
Deadpool: [Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand] Ahhh! Your poor wife!
Vanessa Carlysle: Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.
Wade Wilson: Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this?
[looking at his Voltron ring]
Wade Wilson: FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!
Vanessa Carlysle: Five mini lion bots?
Vanessa Carlysle: Three minutes.
Wade Wilson: Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?
Vanessa Carlysle: [pause] Cuddle?
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: There's no easy way to say this... I'm pregnant, Trevor!
Deadpool: Daddy needs to express some rage.
[starts firing his guns]
Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks... six days and, oh... 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: This shit...
[lifts his mask halfway showing his scarred face]
Weasel: [looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Wade Wilson: [to self] Fuck me!
Weasel: Uh, maybe not start with that.
Deadpool: I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.
Vanessa Carlysle: You mean this mask?
[takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]
Deadpool: And this one, in case the other fell off.
[she peels off the mask]
Vanessa Carlysle: Wow.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Vanessa Carlysle: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.
[in the midst of a car crash]
Deadpool: Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
Deadpool: [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone! And tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn!
Deadpool: Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment - right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.
Weasel: [to Blind Al] Wanna get fucked up?
Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?
Wade Wilson: Let's recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
Deadpool: I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.
Ajax: Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
Wade Wilson: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
[the one scene where they don't have sex]
Wade Wilson: Happy Lent.
Vanessa Carlysle: Happy Lent dear.
Wade Wilson: Vanessa's already working on plan's A, B, through Z. Me? I'm trying to memorize the details of her face, like it's the first time I'm seeing it... or the last.
Deadpool: LOOK! I'm a teenage girl, I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be: long sullen silence or mean comment? Go on, take your pick.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: ...You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: [In the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this man?
[holds up a crude crayon drawing of Francis]
Colossus: You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.
Deadpool: Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now!
Deadpool: How's the Kullen coming along? Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know.
Blind Al: You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
Deadpool: Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal.
Deadpool: No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Kullen.
Blind Al: Screw, please.
Deadpool: Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.
Blind Al: You'd be surprised.
Deadpool: Pretty grossed out.
Strip Club DJ: You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!
Deadpool: [Ripping his own underwear out of his pants to make a white flag] Look away! LOOK AWAY CHILD!
Deadpool: Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you're all going to have to share!
[Looking at his slowly regrowing 'baby hand']
Wade Wilson: I bet it feels huge in this hand.
Colossus: We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
Deadpool: You big chrome cock-gobbler!
Colossus: That's not nice.
Deadpool: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.
[a dead body falls off an overhead traffic sign]
Deadpool: That guy was already up there when I got here.
Deadpool: [Cutting off his arm and spraying blood in Colussus' face] Are you there God? It's me, Margaret!
Wade Wilson: [Looking at a text from Ajax] What is that?
Weasel: That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: [singing to Hollaback Girl on the radio] I heard that you were talking shit / And you didn't think that I'd hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my shit, this my shit / This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...
Strip Club DJ: Hey. Coming on to our stage right now... give it up for Chastity!
Weasel: Or as I like to call her... Irony.
Deadpool: There are no words. Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.
Ajax: What? You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure... for that?
Ajax: You heard me.
Deadpool: No. No! So, you mean to say... after all this, you can't fix me?
Ajax: It sounds even stupider when you say it.
Deadpool: Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
[Deadpool aims gun at Ajax's head]
Deadpool: Any last words?
Ajax: What's my name?
Deadpool: [Cocks his gun] Who fucking cares?
Deadpool: Kinda lonesome back here.
[wedges himself through the Plexiglas opening between the back seat and the front]
Deadpool: Yeah, little help.
Weasel: Oh, shit.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: I put all my money on you and now I just realized I'm never going to win the, uh...
Wade Wilson: Dead pool.
[thinks for a moment]
Wade Wilson: Captain Deadpool... No, just...
Weasel: To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.
Deadpool: [to The Recruiter] Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the foot long... Fully loaded.
Wade Wilson: Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. Like a Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the ghost of Christmas me.
Vanessa Carlysle: Well, I wanna remember us.
Wade Wilson: I swear to God, I will find you in the next life and I'm gonna boom-box "Careless Whisper" outside your window. Wham!
Vanessa Carlysle: No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.
Wade Wilson: [to Ajax] You got something in your teeth.
Ajax: We have everything we need now.
Weasel: You sure? You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II.
Colossus: Do you have off switch?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
Weasel: Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?
Deadpool: I'd love to get a Blow Job.
Weasel: Oh, God, me too.
Deadpool: The drink, moose knuckle, But first...
Weasel: All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?
Deadpool: This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real... blurry!
Wade Wilson: Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster?
[in British accent]
Wade Wilson: Is it Basil Fawlty?
Ajax: Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives in this place is a sense of humor.
Wade Wilson: We'll see about that.
Ajax: I suppose we will.
Ajax: [to Angel] He's all yours.
Wade Wilson: Oh, come on. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
[Angel punches Wade]
Colossus: I've given Deadpool every chance to join us but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming an X-Man?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
Colossus: Please. House blowing up builds character.
Dopinder: I presume a crisp high five?
Deadpool: For you? 10.
[slaps Dopinder a double high-five]
Deadpool: [to Colossus and Negasonic] Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference.
Deadpool: [Whispers to Dopinder] You know what do to.
Dopinder: Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!
Deadpool: I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve 'cause I'ma go lookin'!
Ajax: I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, perhaps I'll have to grow back you.
Vanessa Carlysle: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Wade Wilson: Merchandise? Huh... so you uh, bump fuzzies for money?
Vanessa Carlysle: Yep.
Wade Wilson: Rough childhood?
Vanessa Carlysle: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Wade Wilson: Daddy left before I was conceived.
Vanessa Carlysle: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Wade Wilson: Where else do you put one out?
Vanessa Carlysle: I was molested!
Wade Wilson: Me too. Uncle.
Vanessa Carlysle: Uncles. They took turns.
Wade Wilson: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happened to be my...
Vanessa Carlysle: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade Wilson: [Gasps] You had a dishwasher. I didn't even known sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.
Vanessa Carlysle: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?
Wade Wilson: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what can I get for $275 and uh... a Yogurtlands reward card?
Vanessa Carlysle: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.
[Puts card in his mouth]
Deadpool: A hush fall over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. His form looks good.
[kicks Francis in the head]
Deadpool: Oh! And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.
Deadpool: Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it.
[Angel Dust jumps from the platform and lands]
Deadpool: [clapping his hands] Whoo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [pointing behind Deadpool] Hey, Douche-Pool!
Deadpool: [turns around] And I hope *you're* watching -
[gasps in horror, as Ajax has disappeared]
Colossus: Quite unfortunate...
Deadpool: [shaking his head in disbelief] THAT DOES IT!
[punches Colossus in the face, breaking his own hand]
Deadpool: Ooh! Oh, Canada! That's not good...
Vanessa Carlysle: I've played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain't one of them.
Deadpool: I've been traveling to exotic places, Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people.
Weasel: And killing them, I know, I saw your Instagram.
Weasel: So what was a special operatives doing in Jacksonville?
Deadpool: That's classified. They have a wonderful TGI Fridays!
Deadpool: [to Vanessa] If I never see you again, know that I love you.
Deadpool: [During the final battle] Bob?
Deadpool: Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since...
Deadpool: Well, what the hell?
[Deadpool helps Bob up]
Deadpool: God. Come here you.
[Deadpool knocks Bob out, and then Deadpool starts dragging him]
Deadpool: How are the kids? Good? And Gail? She still fixing that tuna casserole? *So* good. Bad for the waistline, you know what I'm talking about.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit "fuck it."
Wade Wilson: Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else.
Recruiter: Of course.
Wade Wilson: And please don't make the super-suit green. Or animated.
Wade Wilson: Not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.
Gavin Merchant: Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card?
Wade Wilson: I will shoot your fucking cat!
Gavin Merchant: I don't know what that means. I don't have a cat.
Wade Wilson: Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
Dopinder: My romantic rival, Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a polluted fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
Deadpool: I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation. Dopinder this is *no* way to win Gita's heart back!
Deadpool: I am so proud of you.
Deadpool: Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
Deadpool: Kill him.
Deadpool: And then win Gita back the old-fashioned way with your boyish charm.
Deadpool: Kidnap her.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [to Colossus] He's super dead.
Deadpool: And you, chicken noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: That's all right. You're cool.
Deadpool: [Gasps] What in the ass? That was not mean. I'm proud of you!
Colossus: We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade
Deadpool: For a second there, it felt like we were three minutes-lion robots coming together to form one super robot.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: There's a stupid.
Deadpool: [walking towards Blind Al's home] She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
Wade Wilson: Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflowsky - gettin' that right? Orflasky? Orlovsy? - Yeah? Good. 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
Jeremy (Pizza Guy): [nervously] I'm, uh...
Wade Wilson: A stalker.
[points his knife]
Wade Wilson: Threats hurt, Jer, though not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool?
Jeremy (Pizza Guy): Yes... Yes, sir.
Wade Wilson: Then we're done.
[puts the knife away]
Jeremy (Pizza Guy): Wait, we... we are?
Wade Wilson: Yeah, totally done!
[everyone starts laughing]
Wade Wilson: [to Merchant] You should have seen your face!
Gavin Merchant: I didn't know what to do. I was so scared!
Wade Wilson: Soft spot, remember?
[suddenly grabs Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against a wall]
Wade Wilson: You even LOOK in her general direction again, and you'll learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too!
Wade Wilson: That came out wrong. Or did it?
[kisses Jeremy on the cheek]
Deadpool: Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the the whole world taste like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love... tight! And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?
Deadpool: Or the whole world tastes like Mama Juice after hot yoga.
Dopinder: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?
Deadpool: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
Deadpool: [upon learning Ajax took Vanessa] I'm gonna need all the guns.
Weasel: Which ones?
Deadpool: ALL OF THEM!
Blind Al: [as Deadpool washes his clothes] Use seltzer water and lemon juice for blood. Or wear red, dumbass!
Colossus: [to Negasonic] You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.
Teen Girl #1: Hey, do you think you can fuck up my stepdad?
Wade Wilson: I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it.
Meghan Orlovsky: Hey, wait! You're my hero.
Wade Wilson: No-no-no-no. That I ain't!
Wade Wilson: Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
Deadpool: Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
Dopinder: That's, uh, $27.50.
Deadpool: I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
Deadpool: But, uh, how about a crisp high five?
Wade Wilson: [after receiving his cancer diagnosis] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns.
Ajax: You know the funniest part of this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You. A dishonorable discharge. Hip-deep in hookers. You're nothing. Little secret, Wade. This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who know what they'll have you doing? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just now the occasional lawn.
Wade Wilson: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Deadpool: See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot... pull out, here we go... that looks nice, its gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singing...
[alongside George Michael's "Careless Whisper" vocals]
Deadpool: "I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!"
Deadpool: [on X-Men Wolverine] I've got no problems with Hugh. I mean he's a delightful guy, he really is. True legend. But the movie, that was a career low for me.
[frustrated with Deadpool after her IKEA furniture collapses]
Blind Al: I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist.
Deadpool: And I quote: "Looking for roommate. Blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather *I* build furniture and you pay rent?
Wade Wilson: What if I just held on and never let go?
Vanessa Carlysle: Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke.
Wade Wilson: Oh, Star Wars jokes.
Vanessa Carlysle: Empire.
Wade Wilson: Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer.
Deadpool: [he forgot his guns] Goddammit! I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, and maximum effort.
Ajax: You're lovely. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.
David Cunningham: We were just joking.
Ajax: No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?
Wade Wilson: Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be with a name like Francis?
David Cunningham: Francis?
Wade Wilson: That's his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F, R, A, N, C, I... Oops!
Wade Wilson: You bet on me to die? Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. And then die. Like the city of Detroit.
Deadpool: Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!
Colossus: You know I can hear you?
Deadpool: Wasn't talking to you! I was talking to them!
[points at the audience]
Deadpool: 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 80. About to be 90.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson?
Recruiter: You're looking very alive.
Deadpool: Ha! Only on the outside!
Recruiter: This is not going to end well for me, is it?
Deadpool: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss?
Recruiter: I can tell you exactly...
Deadpool: Oh, you tell me. But first... You might wanna look way for this. Now this little piggy went to...
[pushes the camera away and the Recruiter screams]
Deadpool: I'm a bad guy who is paid to fuck up worse guys.
Deadpool: Hang in there, baby! I gotcha! I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
[Deadpool throws Vanessa into the oxygen chamber as it rolls down the carrier and stops on the edge of it, Wade holds onto the oxygen chamber]
Vanessa Carlysle: Shit! ShitI Shit!
Deadpool: Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
Buck: [smacks Vanessa's rear] I'd hit that.
Wade Wilson: Buck, you best apologize before...
[Vanessa grabs Buck's groin]
Wade Wilson: Yeah, that.
Vanessa Carlysle: Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
Buck: I'm sorry.
Wade Wilson: Breathe through the nose.
Buck: I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
[Vanessa grabs harder]
Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
[Ajax, atop a downed helicarrier, sees Deadpool, Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead arriving at junkyard]
Ajax: WADE WILSON! What's my name?
Deadpool: [under his breath] Ooooh, I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.
[later, after battle, has spelled out 'Francis' using bodies of bad guys]
Wade Wilson: [drops fistful of tickets on counter] A limited edition Voltron Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
Arcade Ticket Taker: [moves tickets aside] Okay, here we go...
Wade Wilson: [indicates ring to Vanessa] I've had my eye on this sucker for a while.
Vanessa Carlysle: And I will take the pencil eraser.
Arcade Ticket Taker: Okay.
Arcade Ticket Taker: You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus.
Arcade Ticket Taker: And you can erase stuff written in pencil.
Wade Wilson: [offers Vanessa his arm] M'lady.
Deadpool: Don't make me ask twice... where's Francis?
[cut to later]
Deadpool: He made me ask twice!
Deadpool: [about to kill Ajax, he accidentally hits Colossus in the groin] Dad?
Wade Wilson: Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna...
[to Weasel, off camera]
Wade Wilson: His drink's on him.
Deadpool: [banging a door on a henchman] Where is Francis? Where the fuck is Francis? Where's Francis?
Wade Wilson: [Blind Al appears in the doorway holding an AUG A1 rifle] Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! We're down range!
Blind Al: I was gonna spend the night assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest.
Wade Wilson: I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje. Get it through your head or get out of fuck town!
Blind Al: Shit!
Deadpool: [Shoots at Ajax and misses] Shit!
Deadpool: [Shoots at Ajax and misses again] Fuck!
Deadpool: [Shoots at Ajax and misses a third time] Shit fuck!
Vanessa Carlysle: I've been trying to tell you assholes, you got the wrong girl! My old boyfriend, he's dead.
Ajax: See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.
Ajax: Jeez, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.
Wade Wilson: Yeah, but this ain't a life worth livin' is it?
Wade Wilson: It reeks like old lady pants in here.
Blind Al: Well, I am old and I wear pants.
Wade Wilson: But you are not at all woman.
Deadpool: Did I say this was a love story? It's a horror movie.
Dopinder: Who brought this twinkly man?
Deadpool: Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.
Colossus: Is not boy-band!
Deadpool: Sure it's not.
Deadpool: Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say... it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Deadpool: How can I help you... besides luring children into a panel van?
Deadpool: [attacked by a woman] You little spider-monkey!
Ajax: I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything.
Blind Al: [holds Wade's regenerating hand] Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
Deadpool: About the size of a KFC spork.
Ajax: Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that. I only wish I'd heal the same.
Deadpool: [to the audience while slicing off his own arm] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
Deadpool: [to the audience in the after credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.
Credits: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.
Deadpool: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.
Colossus: [Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax] Wade! Four or five moments.
Deadpool: I'm sorry?
Colossus: Four or five moments - that's all it takes.
Colossus: Be a hero.
Colossus: Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice - to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend, spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we...
[Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him]
Colossus: [vomits humourously] Why?
Deadpool: You were droning on.
Ajax: What's my name?
Deadpool: I'll spell it out for ya!
Deadpool: [later, after battle, has spelled out 'Francis' using bodies of bad guys]
Wade Wilson: Listen, Ive been thinking.
Vanessa Carlysle: Really?
Wade Wilson: About why were so good together.
Vanessa Carlysle: Why is that?
Wade Wilson: Well, your crazy matches my crazy, big time.
Vanessa Carlysle: Mm.
Wade Wilson: And, uh, were like two jigsaw pieces, you know, and we have curvy edges.
Vanessa Carlysle: But you fit them together and you see the picture on top.
Wade Wilson: Right.
Vanessa Carlysle: Wade, theres something Ive been meaning to ask you. Only because you havent gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it up my a
[Wade holds up a giant ring]
Wade Wilson: Marry me?
Vanessa Carlysle: Uh, jinx?
Wade Wilson: Huh.
Vanessa Carlysle: Where were you hiding that?
Wade Wilson: Nowhere.
[Wade and is shown to be butt-naked]