In checking out another club, Brendan and Kenny have a blast, but Kenny later discovers the babe magnet magic is all Brendan's when he returns with Mike. Andy advises Bobby to be a conventional, passively-supportive, nodding boyfriend, even though Bobby senses PJ would prefer his real opinions and advice as both boyfriend and best friend, especially now that she's wrestling with insecurity over her job promotion (her own column) after Mike strongly suggests it's due more to feminine charms than talent.
Mike has P.J. questioning her qualifications as her paper's new columnist. Andy gives Bobby boyfriend advice. Mike and Kenny find they sorely lack Brendan's animal magnetism.
- "I'm so lucky. The guys are always there for me to share the big life moments."
It's a shame that P.J. will have to wait until Mike finishes his story about his uncle boxing a kangaroo in Melbourne. On second thought, maybe P.J. should tell her story. (Even Mike agrees.) The news: P.J. got a promotion at the Sun-Times where she will write her own column. Everybody is happy for her; of course, as she can write any story she wants about any sport. Mike's first story idea for her: boxer Liam Callahan! (His uncle.) P.J. wants to celebrate more, but she decides to be nice and let Mike finish his story.
"He steps into the ring, his opponent hops in. His opponent, Mr. Honky Tonk, stares right into his eyes, jumps over the rope, into the Outback, never fought again!" (Yeah, I don't know how you go from Melbourne straight to the Outback either, and the only Australian I know is the hot blonde from "Chuck.")
Brendan is hard at work with the club, and they still haven't come up with a name yet. ("Medicine Boar," "Elevation," and "Goat and Oranges" were rejected.) He needs to do some research at some of the hipper bars in Chicago, and he invites the gang to act as consultants. Bobby can't make it, as he is taking his lady out to celebrate her new promotion. Brando asks P.J. if she is free, and figures it out 30 seconds later. Mike can't go because he is "on call" with Maggie. He even has a pager...from around 1994. ("It's like when Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to call Batman!") Therefore, it is Brando and Kenny that will have to do the research.
At P.J.'s, the weekly poker game is in full swing. P.J. arrives, looking very "lady-like," since they took pictures of her for the new column.
MIKE: "And that's why they give the hot chick the column. 'Cause no one wants to see pictures of an old, bald, wrinkly dude." (Among many other columnists in Chicago)
P.J. is taken aback; she'd like to think she got the column because of her talent. Kenny takes her side and says she got the column because of her talent...along with her long blonde hair and a great set of legs. (The man tells the truth: Jordana's a mega-babe.)
P.J. is getting offended, but Mike defends his remarks, saying that getting a job because of your looks is like a friend getting you a gig. He has a job because he knows Kenny, Brendan has "Cabaret Mystique" (uh, no) because of John. P.J. is hot and she knows sports. It's a novelty.
BRENDAN: "Hot chicks make everything better. Hot chicks and football---cheerleaders."
MIKE: "Hot chicks and politics---Sarah Palin."
KENNY: "You still think she's hot?"
MIKE: "Dude, it's the glasses. I got a thing for smart chicks."
KENNY: "You still think she's smart!?!?"
Saving us from this conversation is Bobby and Andy in the kitchen, where the experienced dad tries to give Bobby advice as he gets frustrated with P.J. not listening to him. Bobby is trying to continue wearing the "friend hat" and the "journalist hat," the things he is used to. However, he has to wear the "boyfriend hat" now (actually a helmet), which means his opinions don't matter one bit.
"If you want to be happy, remember this: she's always right. You're in the back car of this roller coaster, bucko. You don't do the steering. Do not be rational, do not be reasonable. Whatever you do, for God's sake, just agree with her! OK?"
"Yeah, I don't know where that came from."
It's time for Kenny and Brendan to hit the clubs and...do research, yeah that's it. Kenny threatens to bail if Cloister is lame. However, the techno music, the hot women, the neon, the drinks, it's all good. In fact, it's the nightclub equivalent of Norm Peterson walking into "Cheers."
BRENDAN: "What's happening, everybody?"
Even Kenny is getting the royal treatment, as a hot cocktail waitress serves Kenny a drink, right from the bottle, because he's cute. (I keep waiting for the dream sequence to end.)
KENNY: "This is the greatest bar in the world! They have everything! Games on the big screens, prices that are not obscene, girls that are not mean...
BRENDAN: "......and TWINS!" (Attention "My Boys" writers: 2002 called. They want their commercial back.)
Since P.J. can't take the biased advice of her boyfriend, she needs to consult an outside source: Stephanie. She gets on the line with Layne Publishing Group, a division of Layne Enterprises. Carly immediately connects P.J. to her boss, but it would be easier if Stephanie just sat in the booth with P.J. P.J. is still irritated with what Mike said the night before and wants someone to tell her that she got the job because of her talent. Stephanie is not the one who can do that.
STEPHANIE: "Who says using your looks to your advantage is wrong, anyway? You know who? Ugly people!"
Attractiveness is just a gift in life, like being rich or really tall. ("And you don't see tall people standing in line to buy stepladders, now do you?") Stephanie tells P.J. not to be ashamed about being attractive. To be fair, P.J. does finally relax about the whole concept and accepts that she's a hot columnist. It's not like the Sun-Times is pushing that angle...until she sees her billboard on a CTA bus. In truth, the picture might be thought of as risqué...to someone who thinks Rush Limbaugh is a flaming Communist.
Zdravstvuj, P.J.! (That's Russian for "hello.") She is back to being upset about the column. The "glammed up" picture and the tagline "P.J. Franklin Knows What Men Want" is not helping her cause. Although Andy knows what men want...a nap. Bobby is trying to play the supportive boyfriend, telling her to keep the job, then go with her conscience, which just gets her more mad. Andy conferences with Bobby while P.J. gets another beer: Bobby is trying to fix things, not simply agree with her.
"You can't fix things. You think Meredith wants me to fix things? Well, there is the garbage disposal and the back step. But even then, I'm not her first choice."
The key: JUST LISTEN. Saying "yeah" and "uh-huh" a lot also helps. Bobby can't believe this will work, P.J. will see right through it. But he considers he should wear the boyfriend hat (uh-huh), and do nothing (yeah), and let things work themselves out. (uh-huh) Andy really is good at this. P.J. returns, and Bobby decides to try it.
P.J.: "I need the advice of a colleague."
P.J.: "I think I should talk to Jack Briscoe."
P.J.: "You think that's a good idea?"
P.J.: "Should I talk to him tomorrow?"
P.J.: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Bobby contemplates his success as Brendan and Kenny return, with Kenny all agog over their successful night at the club. Mike wants in, but Brendan has work issues (still feels weird to type that), so Kenny and Mike will go back to the same club. Mike and Maggie are taking some time off. (he was dumped) They return to Cloister, and Kenny tries Brendan's "What's up, everybody!" (no good) They try to sit at a table, but the same hot cocktail waitress tells them it's reserved. So is the other table...and that table...and that table...and the spot under the stairs near the fire extinguisher. They give up quickly.
At the Sun-Times, P.J. is able to get two minutes with Jack Briscoe. The same two minutes as it takes his burrito to be nuked. She wants to ask him questions regarding her column, which he didn't have at her age, since he served in Vietnam instead. Although he hears backpacking through Europe on daddy's credit card can prepare you for life, too. She mentions the ads and says she doesn't want the job if she's "the pretty one." Jack insists she has nothing to worry about. The paper tried to get a woman, Dina Metzler, from L.A. who covers football (they have football writers in L.A.?!?!?!?) and is 10 times hotter than P.J. However, the Sun-Times decided to go with integrity (P.J.) instead of "Helen of Troy," and he's still ticked about it.
JACK: "She aroused feelings in me I thought dead since the 70's." (even guys are going "eww" right now)
Mike and Kenny revel in the beauty that is Crowley's, since they don't need Brando to open up the doors at Crowley's for them. They wouldn't go back to Cloister for $200,000 because they have principles! Until Brando walks in and wants to take them back to Cloister, then all bets are off, of course. Meanwhile, Bobby has perfected the "yeah/uh-huh" boyfriend routine (yes, ladies, we do that so we don't tick you off), but P.J. finally catches on. Bobby finally gives in and admits that he was afraid P.J. didn't care what he thought because she consulted with Stephanie and Jack Briscoe.
P.J.: "But Stephanie is my friend, and Jack is a colleague."
BOBBY: "Oh, if only you knew someone who straddled both of those worlds!"
P.J. counters that he would be biased in her favor, but Bobby cares enough to be honest with her. That said, he approves of her first column. It's smart, it's funny, it has a strong start, she gets through without a mention of Michael Jordan, but the end......is the best writing ever. (kiss honesty goodbye) Fortunately, the online commentary seems to think P.J. writes a great column...although she's not as hot as Dina Metzler. Well, even P.J. agrees with that. They toast P.J.'s promotion and Brando's new bar...called John's. Well, at least it won't be called Chitty Chitty Bar Bar.