Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend.
Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way.
Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
Stewie Griffin: [Surfin' Bird is playing for the umpteenth time, and they're both on the couch feeling exasperated] Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah?
Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good.
[a stream of blood starts to trickle from his nose]
Peter Griffin: [bailing Jesus out of jail] Jesus Christ, look at you!
Peter Griffin: I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago.
Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.
[He begins to talk like a film noir detective]
Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.
[Chris pulls the trigger and water shoots out of the gun onto Peter's chest. Chris laughs]
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.
Peter Griffin: [points to a bartender while singing Surfin' Bird] Hey, guy behind the counter. The bird is the word.
Peter Griffin: [to a young kid in a booth] Frightened little child, the bird is the word.
Peter Griffin: [opening the door to the ladies room] Lady on the toilet
[after she screams]
Peter Griffin: The bird is the word. Hey don't you know about the bird?
Lady On The Toilet: [joining Peter] Sure, everybody's heard that the bird is the word.
Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois.
Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad?
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard?
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
[Peter starts singing to "Surfin' Bird"]
Guy at party: Woah, Lindsay Lohan just took her top off!
Lindsay Lohan: Wow, I just drank a beer! Who wants to do me?
Guy at party: I know I already did you but I'll come again!