Claudius: I, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus... this, that and the other...
Tiberius: Frankly, I wouldn't have thought you'd care whether he lived or died.
Livia: Oh I care very much whether he lives or dies.
Livia: Tell me, what do you think of Julia?
Tiberius: Nothing. Why?
Livia: Nobody could accuse you of being devious. She thinks very well of you.
Tiberius: What's that supposed to mean.
Livia: Nothing. She likes you, that's all. Always has.
Tiberius: Mother, I'm a happily married man. Julia doesn't interest me. She wouldn't interest me even if you hung her naked from the ceiling above my bed.
Livia: She might even do that if I asked her.
Marcus Agrippa: I'm getting a little tired of being taught the arts of war by kids that have only just learned how to piss in a pot.
[on Livia's plan to have Tiberius marry Julia]
Tiberius: Anyway, where does all this get us? There's not only Marcellus, there's Agrippa too. And August prefers both of them to me.
Julia: [Screams off stage] No, *no*.
Tiberius: Ye gods, what's that?
Livia: It sounds as though there is now only Agrippa
Julia: There are hundreds of them on the road. They're coming in from everywhere, Greece, Spain, Gaul, they just keep coming and coming.
Marcellus: They are the blood of Rome, Julia. The people are what makes Rome what she is.
Julia: [laughing] Noisy and uninhabitable.
Livia: He's very popular, isn't he?
Julia: [Proudly] Yes.
Livia: And with you?
Julia: Why'd you ask?
Livia: Well, there are no children yet...
Julia: There's no issue between you and father, and you've been married for *twenty* years.
Livia: [to Julia] You know, I remember when I first married your father, you were a little girl and Tiberius was a little boy and you used to play together. Do you remember?
Julia: [laughing] Yes, I do.
Livia: And once you both grew up you seemed to fond of one another, and I had hoped that you'd both...
Julia: [laughing] Yes, I used to adore him.
Julia: How foolish one is when one is young.
[about the Greek Poet]
Augustus: I've asked him to prepare a piece to celebrate the seventh anniversary of the battle of Actium.
Marcellus: [sarcastically] Oh no.
Augustus: What's the matter? Is it too boring for you?
Marcellus: We had one last year.
Augustus: That was last year and the speaker was very dull. This man they say is wonderful.
Marcellus: [impersonating the speaker from last year] "Seven year this day did Antony's hopes sink in the harbor of Actium."
Augustus: You see how the young mock the battle scars of their elders?
Augustus: Look everyone, it's the cake.
Julia: [wittily] Do we get one each?
Augustus: [laughing] Julia, for heaven's sake.
[all laugh at her comment]
Marcus Agrippa: It's my ship.
Augustus: Yes, the one you made your headquarters.
Marcus Agrippa: She was a fine ship.
[short pause; pointing to the cherry on the top]
Marcellus: That must be you, Marcus; The candied-cherry in the prow.
Marcellus: [ill with "food poisoning"] You're so good to me.
Livia: Goodness has nothing to do with it.
Augustus: Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.
Livia: What on Earth is that?
Augustus: A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.
Livia: So has Scipio's wife, he should have used her.