Damon Macready: So... Have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?
Mindy Macready: Can I get a puppy?
Damon Macready: [surprised] You wanna get a dog?
Mindy Macready: Yeah, a cuddly fluffy one, and a Bratz movie-star make over Sasha!
[Damon is stunned]
Mindy Macready: [laughs] I'm just fucking with you Daddy! Look, I'd love a Benchmade model 42 butterfly knife.
Damon Macready: [relieved] Oh, child... You always knock me for a loop!
Hit Girl: Show's over, motherfuckers.
Katie Deauxma: Dave? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
Dave Lizewski: Because I am Kick-Ass!
Katie Deauxma: What are you talking about?
Dave Lizewski: I'm also not gay!
Katie Deauxma: Fuck!
Todd: Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.
Marty: She looks like she's about 11 years old but...
Todd: I can wait! I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
Marty: I can see how that would be really difficult for you.
Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] In the world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books. And I guess that'd be okay, if bad guys were make-believe too, but they're not.
Dave Lizewski: With no power, comes no responsibility. Except, *that* wasn't true.
Dave Lizewski: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives we all wanna be a superhero.
Dave Lizewski: That's not me,by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.
Hit Girl: Aww dude, that is one *gay* looking taser.
Diner Fight Guy 1: The fuck is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know?
Dave Lizewski: The three assholes, laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on!
Hit Girl: Okay you cunts... Let's see what you can do now!
Dave Lizewski: That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenian dude with a history of mental health problems. Who am I? I'm kick ass!
[six months earlier]
Dave Lizewski: That's me. Back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I'm the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there was nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.
Dave Lizewski: This is awesome! I look like frickin' Wolverine!
Dave Lizewski: What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? Spider-Man gets the girl.
Mindy Macready: Daddy? I'm scared.
Damon Macready: Come on, Mindy, honey? Be a big girl now. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Mindy Macready: Is it gonna hurt bad?
Damon Macready: Aww, child. Only for a second, sugar.
Damon Macready: [testing her] A handgun bullet travels at? More than?
Mindy Macready: [rolls eyes] 700 miles an hour.
Damon Macready: 700 miles an hour. So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
Mindy Macready: [mumbles to herself] I hate getting punched in the chest.
Damon Macready: [cocks gun] You're gonna be fine, baby doll!
[he aims and fires, hitting her squarely in the chest. She goes flying off her feet, landing on her back]
Damon Macready: [walking up to her as she pulls the bullet out of her bullet-proof vest hidden underneath her jacket] How was that? Not so bad. Kinda fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a glock.
Mindy Macready: [smiling] I wouldn't have been scared anyways!
Damon Macready: That's my girl.
[helping her up]
Damon Macready: Alright, up you get. Two more rounds and then home.
Mindy Macready: Again?
Damon Macready: Uh-huh.
Mindy Macready: Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.
Damon Macready: The bowling alley?
Mindy Macready: Yeah, and ice cream after!
Damon Macready: [thinking about it for a second] Huh... okay. Two more rounds. No wincing... No whining! And you got yourself a deal, young lady.
Mindy Macready: Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae!
Damon Macready: Good call, baby doll!
[shoots her again]
Dave Lizewski: How do I get a hold of you?
Hit Girl: [sarcastically] You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock.
Dave Lizewski: If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.
Hit Girl: And if it wasn't for you... my dad wouldn't be.
Big Daddy: Good job. I'm so proud of you, baby doll. Are you okay?
Hit Girl: Mhmm... but getting shot, Daddy... it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
Big Daddy: That's because I used low velocity rounds, child... he... he...
Hit Girl: You're the kindest Daddy in the whole world.
Big Daddy: No, I just... I love you...
Hit Girl: I love you, too, Daddy... I love you, too, Daddy. Sleep tight.
Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten. And my world was a lot safer with the new generation of superheroes. They said I was their inspiration. But all I did was open a door to a world I'd dreamed about since I was a little kid.
[cut to Chris/Red Mist in his father's office]
Chris D'Amico: A world full of superheroes, eh?
[Chris turns around, showing his revamped Red Mist costume, and dons a new, decidedly more 'supervillain' mask]
Chris D'Amico: As a great man once said... wait 'til they get a load of me.
Dave Lizewski: Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell you, that hurt! But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind. Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty... and all the things I'd never do. Like learn to drive or see what me and Katie's kids would look like or find out what happened on "Lost". And if you're reassuring yourself that I'm going to make it through this since I'm talking to you now, quit being such a smart-ass! Hell dude, you never seen "Sin City"? "Sunset Boulevard"? "American Beauty"?
Todd: What do you think, Katie?
Katie Deauxma: I don't know. But I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
Dave Lizewski: You do?
Katie Deauxma: Oh yeah. I'd totally fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
Dave Lizewski: Really? You would?
Katie Deauxma: Definitely.
Dave Lizewski: Well, you interested in checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's like a shoe designer? I think we can make the next showing...
Katie Deauxma: Totally.
Dave Lizewski: Jesus, guys, doesn't it bug you? Like thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spiderman.
Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits at all.
Todd: Maybe it's the porn tape, he doesn't have a porn tape.
Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spiderman"?
Leroy: [to Kick-Ass] Who the fuck are you supposed to be? The green condom? You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid?
Sergeant Marcus Williams: You owe that girl a childhood.
Damon Macready: I'll tell you who owes her a childhood, FRANK D'AMICO!
Dave Lizewski: [introducing himself] Dave. Dave Lizewski.
Hit Girl: [laughs] I know that, dumbass!
Damon Macready: Mindy, no more homework, Babydoll. Time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.
Chris D'Amico: Yeah, that's right! We're superheroes! You love us!
[Chris hands his father a list]
Frank D'Amico: What's this?
Chris D'Amico: That's everything I need. And you may have to screw someone over. Like Louie...
Big Joe: Louie? Whoa, Chris.
Chris D'Amico: Or somebody, it doesn't have to be Louie.
Big Joe: Tony.
Chris D'Amico: Tony!
Frank D'Amico: Tony?
Chris D'Amico: I've always hated Tony.
Big Joe: Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
Frank D'Amico: Tony.
[hands the paper back]
Frank D'Amico: [in falsetto voice] Mommy, I want to have a Kick-Ass party!
Frank D'Amico: Playtime's over kid.
Hit Girl: I *never* "play"
Dave Lizewski: Like most people my age, I just existed.
Hit Girl: Whatta douche!
Frank D'Amico: I gotta send a public service message to the people out there that being a superhero is bad for your health.
Dave Lizewski: Like every serial killer already knew: eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore.
Hit Girl: [after Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass have landed on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack] Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... He would have been proud of *both* of us.
Dave Lizewski: [removes his mask] Dave...
[extends his hand]
Dave Lizewski: ... Dave Lizewski.
Hit Girl: [smiles] I know that, dumbass.
[chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask]
Hit Girl: Mindy... Mindy Macready.
[She extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]
Damon Macready: [Damon is studying security videos and blueprints for Frank D'Amico's building] We've gotta get *over* it, on *top* of it, and then *into* it! Right in the middle of it!
Mindy Macready: [looks up from the computer screen she's been studying] Daddy, I think I found one. It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days.
[slightly deflated as she looks at the price]
Mindy Macready: Ah... It's three hundred thousand bucks.
Damon Macready: [walks around the desk to examine her discovery on the the computer screen] Can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?
[sees what's on the screen]
Damon Macready: Oooohhhhhhhh, my gosh! That is *cool*!
Mindy Macready: [smiling] Yeah!
Damon Macready: Add to shopping cart.
Mindy Macready: Okay.
Hit Girl: [grinning at bad guy's balisong knife] Hey, I got one of those!
Huge Goon: [preparing to fire the bazooka] I always wanted to say this. Say hello to my little friend!
Hit Girl: [to kick-ass] Hey Green asshole! You can't use the front door now!
Dave Lizewski: I'll be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks. But even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. I called it preparation. But if you called it fantasizing, it would've been hard to argue. All I knew was, I never felt so good about myself.
Cody: [to Big Daddy] Let me out now? I gave you all them names and addresses. Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody. You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want. Hey, come on. Hey, I know some very bad people up town. Really nasty individuals.
Frank D'Amico: God I wish I had a son like you... time for the family reunion!
Damon Macready: [from trailer] Tool up, honey bunny. It's time to get bad guys.
[Frank D'Amico is about to shoot Hit-Girl, sees Dave]
Dave Lizewski: [pointing a bazooka at Frank] Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
Hit Girl: So, you wanna play?
Chris D'Amico: Dad, you better fire this asshole!
Frank D'Amico: Ignore him... a bazooka?
[the huge goon nods]
Frank D'Amico: OK.
Damon Macready: [finding Marcus in his apartment, pointing a gun at him] How'd you find me, Marcus?
Sergeant Marcus Williams: One of us is still a cop, remember?
[Big Daddy just shot a man who was sneaking up on Hit-Girl as he was about to kill her]
Damon Macready: Now Hit-Girl, we always keep our backs where?
Hit Girl: To the wall Daddy, I know. Um, it... it won't happen again. Nice shot, by the way.
Damon Macready: Thank you.
[Stu barges into Frank's office and Frank almost shoots him]
Huge Goon: Whoa! It's only me boss. Everything's under control.
[slowly creeps over to the bazooka while Frank & Chris stare at him]
Chris D'Amico: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumbass!
Huge Goon: [looks at Frank] Sir?
Frank D'Amico: Do it.
[Dave sees Hit-Girl studying security cam footage]
Dave Lizewski: Is that Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? What are you, crazy?
Hit Girl: My mom already died for nothing. So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.
Dave Lizewski: You can't do this on your own.
Hit Girl: Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up, and pick your weapon.
Mrs. Zane: [From Dave's fantasy where she wears nothing but her bra and underwear, with a seductive tone] Look at me, Dave; Look at me.
[Dave practices his superhero lines in front of a mirror in his costume]
Dave Lizewski: Oh, no I'm just standing around...
[whips out his sticks]
Dave Lizewski: No I'm not! Yah!
[waves the sticks wildly]
Dave Lizewski: How 'bout that, huh?
[cut to Dave taking out his sticks again]
Dave Lizewski: Oh yeah! Didn't see that did ya?
Dave Lizewski: Think it's best if you just walk away.
Dave Lizewski: Well maybe you shouldn't do that.
Dave Lizewski: What?
Dave Lizewski: Huh?
Dave Lizewski: Are you looking at me?
Dave Lizewski: This is my business.