Your Highness (2011)
Isabel: Thaddeus, I have not been able to stop thinking of you.
Thadeous: [pot in his hand] What a coincidence. I was just about to finish thinking of you.
Belladonna: How are you going to make me love you?
Leezar: If your vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.
Thadeous: Courtney, will you make funny faces to entertain me?
[Courtney makes a variety of weird faces which causes Thadeous to clap with glee, until he gives a smile in the shape of a triangle]
Thadeous: No! Never triangle-face! I *hate* triangle face! It scares me!
Leezar: I'm here to steal a beautiful virgin that looks just. Like. Her.
Fabious: And how do you plan to do that?
Isabel: It is my legacy to stop anyone who wants to fuck to make dragons.
Thadeous: I shouldn't even be here! I will probably die on this quest, Courtney definitely will!
Belladonna: Why would anyone want to be with you?
Leezar: I'm not sure really... oh yeah, perhaps because I'm rich, I live in a castle and I can do magic.
Fabious: What's your problem? Why are you being such a sourpuss?
Thadeous: I'm not being a sourpuss! I just didn't want to be at that celebration
Fabious: All I want is for you to be a part of this moment. I want you to be gay with me and father.
Thadeous: I don't want to be gay with you two!
Thadeous: [to Belladonna, as she attempts to deep throat his minotaur-cock trophy] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't suck that. That's dead.
[Fabious is bitten by a snake in the thigh ]
Fabious: You have to suck out the venom!
Thadeous: I don't want to suck it, you suck it!
Fabious: I can't suck my own venom!
Thadeous: Yes you can! I'll help you!
[pushes Fabious's head down]
Thadeous: Suck it! Suck your venom!
Fabious: I can't reach it with my mouth!
Thadeous: Courtney, suck the venom!
Courtney: But I've never...
Thadeous: [pushes Courtney's head down] SUCK IT!
[the brothers get high]
Fabious: [holding his head] Thadeous, are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Thadeous: [calmly] You making a fool of yourself. Handle your shit, Fabious, please.
Thadeous: [while moving Stephen off the bed] Stephen, I'm going to put you in the corner *now* while I strum my filthies.
Isabel: That feeling is all too familiar. It's been burning in my beaver since the day I lost my brothers.
Great Wize Wizard: This cricket compass will catch the light and point the way to the labyrinths location. Be warned: they say the walls of this maze drive men to madness. But if you can find your way, the blade will be yours.
Fabious: Thank you, Wize Wizard.
Great Wize Wizard: Not so fast. First you must answer a riddle. What journey be long and twisted and sensitive at hand? To what end must man go to discover the depths of his ecstasy? Think hard strong warriors.
Fabious: Fuck! I know this!
Fabious: I got it! You want us to twist, what is long, with our sensitive hands?
Thadeous: He wants us to jerk him off!
Great Wize Wizard: Just touch the tip and twist it.
Thadeous: We are not going to do that.
Fabious: If it's for the quest, we will do what needs to be done.
Fabious: Maybe they're right, everything they say about you.
Thadeous: They only say that stuff because of you, because you go out and have to pretend to be the best, and they look at me like I'm some sort of idiot. Everyone in the kingdom wants to suck your dick, no one wants to suck mine!
Thadeous: Not so fast, trickster.
Isabel: Hello, Thadeous.
Thadeous: The time for pleasantries is through; do you feel that tiny prick in your back?
Isabel: Is that your cock?
Thadeous: Ha! It is a knife but I'll gladly penetrate you with it.
Thadeous: My path has been unstable, but my conviction is born to damn the fuckers who doubted me. To lessen the assholes who tested me. To right what is wrong, to restore faith that has long been lost, and to rise to great heights even beyond my own legend as a Great Cocksmith, Master Pintsman, and stunningly handsome Prince of Light in these dark Dark Ages!
Fabious: [catches Thadeous watching Isabel as she gets undressed to go for a swim in the pond] What you doing, brother?
Thadeous: What right do you have scaring a man like that?
Fabious: What right have you to spy on a bathing woman from these shrubs?
Thadeous: I'm simply keeping an eye on her. She is not like one of our dimwitted chamber maids that let me take them from behind. This one has me vexed. What exactly would it take for one to tame such an adventurous slut?
Fabious: Well, I imagine she'd want a man to be honorable, bold, brave. Know his way round a blade.
[Isabel looks over her shoulder straight towards Fabious and Thadeous]
Thadeous: Oh, God! She's looking at us! Remain perfectly still.
[Fabious and Thadeous freeze in their positions. Isabel ignores them, dives into the water and swims]
Thadeous: Only a champion man would hold the Blade of Unicorn in his hands. And I, Thadeous, am that man. I have seen the pain in my reflection and watched the strength of my brother, unflinching. My quest is one of love, but also in this moment of forgiveness, of redemption, even amongst the smallest of foes. My path has been unstable, but my conviction is born to damn those who doubted me. To lessen those who tested me. To right what is wrong. To restore faith that has long been lost. And to rise to great heights even beyond my own legend in these dark, Dark Ages. True trials await, and I will greet thee with the hammer of my fist and the slide of my sword. As the fog clears, I will follow the voice that guides me: My love, my heart, my Gods!
Daronius the Swift: Step back new friends, I'll lead the way, for tonight Evil's met its match.
Thadeous: Fantastic! Thank you again for coming.
Fabious: Oh, you're going to be so handsome! Who's going to be the most handsome best man?
Thadeous: Probably me.
Fabious: Who's the prince with the most dashing mustache?
Fabious: Who gives the warmest hugs?
Thadeous: Me, of course.
Fabious: I love you, Thadeous.
Thadeous: [uncomfortable beat] Okay, that's cool.