Marshall Eriksen: [Shows the slap countdown on the computer to Barney] Oh my, look at that! That means we're in the final hour of the countdown.
Barney Stinson: I'm not scared...
[his right cheek twitches]
Marshall Eriksen: Then why is your right cheek twitching?
Barney Stinson: It's not...
Marshall Eriksen: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Barney Stinson: [nervously] Please don't slap me...
Marshall Eriksen: I'm sorry, what?
Barney Stinson: Oh, god, don't slap me again! I don't want to get slapped again! The first two times hurt so bad. I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!
Marshall Eriksen: I thought I ruined it by putting a clock on it, Barney.
Barney Stinson: Well, you didn't ruin it!.You made it so much worse! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost 10 pounds. My suits are wearing me. You know what? I'm outta here.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, no, no, no. You can't leave.
Barney Stinson: Why can't I? Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to sit through this sort of mental torture! You are allowed to slap my face my good man, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! Good day!
Marshall Eriksen: But it's Slapsgiving.
Lily Aldrin: No! It's Thanksgiving! Our first one as a married couple, as grownups, and you're not trying to be a part of it! None of you are! So, as slap bet commissioner, I'm issuing a ruling. Thanksgiving is a day of peace, there will be no slaps today!
[after slapping Barney, Marshall plays the piano, performing a song]
Marshall Eriksen: [singing] What is this feeling, that's put you in your place? A hot red burnin' on the side of your face. You feel the blood rush to your cheek, the tears that fill your eyes. And your lips are trembling, but you can't speak. You're tryin', oh, you're tryin' not to cry. You just got slapped, oh, across the face, my friend. You just got slapped, yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it. Then everybody laughed and clapped. It was awesome. Wait, you just got... slapped.
[stops singing and playing the piano]
Marshall Eriksen: Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.
Marshall Eriksen: Everyone knows March has 31 days. It's general knowledge.
Barney Stinson: Hold it. The countdown ends at 3:00 PM the day after Thanksgiving. I counted it out.
Ted Mosby: How many days does October has?
Barney Stinson: Thirty, of course.
Ted Mosby: Dude, I thought we went over this last year.
Barney Stinson: [flashback; Barney is dressed as Borat] I like Halloween. Is nice.
Ted Mosby: Is also tomorrow.
Barney Stinson: Dammit!
Barney Stinson: By announcing the time, you ruin the suspense. You have shown your hand!
Marshall Eriksen: And as of 3:00 PM tomorrow, your face will show my hand.
Marshall Eriksen: I have this kernel stuck in my teeth.
Barney Stinson: Will you cut it out already?
Barney Stinson: [holding up a laptop] Check it out, we're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to NOTHING.
Lily Aldrin: Barney, put it away.
Barney Stinson: How does it feel, Marshall, to sit there impotently. Your large flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer voice: The slap will occur in ten, nine, eight...
Barney Stinson: Ohh, classy touch, dude! Too BAD!
Lily Aldrin: Barney put it away!
Barney Stinson: I will in. Five, four...
Lily Aldrin: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney Stinson: What? Wait!
Marshall Eriksen: Yes!
[slaps Barney hard]
Marshall Eriksen: THAT'S THREE!
Marshall Eriksen: This looks like it's going to be a major clean-up.
Marshall Eriksen: Are we going to be doing this all the time?
Robin Scherbatsky: That's the general idea.
Ted Mosby: How come we're all allowed to bust on Barney when he dates some skank-tron but when you sleep with the crypt-keeper's dad; I'm not allowed to say a word?
Ted: Pecan pie? Why are we making that?
Robin: Um, it's my favorite.
Ted: You're allergic.
Robin: I know. I just like smelling it. It's like eating with your nose.
Bob: This is rad. A nice, calm, simple Thanksgiving. I'm the youngest of ten in my family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess. All the yelling and the screaming...
Narrator: And then a funny thing happened.
Bob: It's really a major buzzkill.
Lily Aldrin: Oh no...
Barney Stinson: I thought we were done with that!
Robin Scherbatsky: I guess we're not.
Ted Mosby: Guess we're not.
Barney Stinson: Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was, and I'm quoting, the "real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate "aboot"?
Robin Scherbatsky: Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the northwest passage.
Barney Stinson: Why are you guys even a country?
Barney Stinson: The killer in a horror movie does not stand in front of the camp cabins with a bullhorn and shout, "Attention, unguarded teens! At 3:00 I will jump out of that closet and hack you to death with a machete. By the way, my only weakness is fire."