Pirate Radio (2009)
Bill Nighy: Quentin
The Count : This was the deal: I asked all of you to demand of me to do a very foolish thing, and you sent in ideas in their millions. But one idea has defeated them all, so I'm proud to announce I will soon be the first person to say the "F" word on rock 'n' roll radio in the United Kingdom of Great Britain. But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain. But also, perhaps, to educate a little. Cuz if you shoot a bullet, someone dies. When you drop a bomb, many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But... if you say the f-word, nothing actually happens. So here it comes. Especially for you, the "F" word.
The Count : First, though, this very fine piece of music.
[Puts on a record]
Quentin : You can't do this.
The Count : Why not? It's just a word!
Quentin : Charming thought, but here's the simple situation. The authorities already dislike us. If you do this they will hate us, and by hook or by crook, they'll find a way to close us down.
The Count : They can't close us down. We're pirates. That's why we're sitting out here in the middle of the freaking ocean.
Quentin : Believe me, they will find a way. Governments loathe people being free.
The Count : Okay, I'm thinking about it.
[to the listeners]
The Count : My dear comrades, I have some sad news. The powers that be have decreed that the "F" word is a word too far. But at least for now, even though our dreams of freedom have died a tragic death, the Hollies are still alive. Thank you.
[Back to Quentin]
The Count : I don't know why you did that. I was just gonna say "fuck" once. You know, one tiny little "fuck."
Quentin : There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."
The Count : Yeah there is. You should ask Angus' girlfriend.
Quentin : Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small it won't fuck us up. One day, in a world of dreams, you'll be able to say "wank" or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio. But "fuck," never.
Harold : [In the control room] Excuse me, my Lordship?
The Count : Yes, Harold?
Harold : You've left your mike up in the studio.
The Count : [Looks] So I have.
[His conversation with the count has been broadcasting the whole time]
The Count : [laughs] I do apologise to everyone out there for the four... Or was it five "F" words, Quentin? The Hollies will continue undisturbed. I'm so sorry about that, Quentin, but you know, I thought you sounded good. You have a lovely voice for radio.
Quentin : Fuck off.
The Count : That makes it six, Quentin.
Quentin : So... expelled?
'Young' Carl : That's right.
Quentin : What for?
'Young' Carl : I suppose smoking was the clincher.
Quentin : Drugs or cigarettes?
'Young' Carl : Well, both.
Quentin : Well done! Proud of you. So your mum sent you here in the hope that a little bracing sea air would sort you out?
'Young' Carl : Something like that.
Quentin : Spectacular mistake.
Quentin : The day has come. Tonight pirate radio dies. From midnight, we are a ghost ship floating without hope on cold and dark waters. You have done almighty work here. Thank you. But your work is done.
The Count : Not mine, sir. I'm an American citizen and I don't give a hootenanny God damn about your nitpicking limey laws. I intend to broadcast from this ship 24 hours a day until the day I die. And then for a couple days after that.
Gavin Cavanagh : Not wanting to sound rude or anything, but don't you think that might be an ever so slightly monotonous experience for the listener? What do you say to 12 hours each, noble sir?
Quentin : Thank you gentlemen, lady, strange bearded thing.
Quentin : Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you prefer?
Thick Kevin : Good news.
Quentin : Okay. The good news is the engine has exploded and we're all going to die.
Dave : Hello, Dr Dave, Radio Rock. How is that good news?
Quentin : I haven't yet told you how we're going to die. That's the bad news.
Simon : How are we gonna die?
Quentin : We're going to drown in the freezing waters of the North Sea.
Felicity : Dearie me.
Quentin : There is a huge hole in the side of the boat and in an unfortunate development, it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.
Thick Kevin : [to Angus] Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it? 'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.
Quentin : Sorry.
Quentin : Your mother is dropping by to pay us a visit before Christmas.
'Young' Carl : You're kidding? When does she arrive?
Quentin : Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu. Anyway, I thought you might like to know, in case you want to brush your hair or hide the large stack of pornography you keep on that shelf.
Quentin : [to Angus] I can see your nuts, Nutsford.