Pirate Radio (2009)
Ike Hamilton: Harold
The Count : This was the deal: I asked all of you to demand of me to do a very foolish thing, and you sent in ideas in their millions. But one idea has defeated them all, so I'm proud to announce I will soon be the first person to say the "F" word on rock 'n' roll radio in the United Kingdom of Great Britain. But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain. But also, perhaps, to educate a little. Cuz if you shoot a bullet, someone dies. When you drop a bomb, many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But... if you say the f-word, nothing actually happens. So here it comes. Especially for you, the "F" word.
The Count : First, though, this very fine piece of music.
[Puts on a record]
Quentin : You can't do this.
The Count : Why not? It's just a word!
Quentin : Charming thought, but here's the simple situation. The authorities already dislike us. If you do this they will hate us, and by hook or by crook, they'll find a way to close us down.
The Count : They can't close us down. We're pirates. That's why we're sitting out here in the middle of the freaking ocean.
Quentin : Believe me, they will find a way. Governments loathe people being free.
The Count : Okay, I'm thinking about it.
[to the listeners]
The Count : My dear comrades, I have some sad news. The powers that be have decreed that the "F" word is a word too far. But at least for now, even though our dreams of freedom have died a tragic death, the Hollies are still alive. Thank you.
[Back to Quentin]
The Count : I don't know why you did that. I was just gonna say "fuck" once. You know, one tiny little "fuck."
Quentin : There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."
The Count : Yeah there is. You should ask Angus' girlfriend.
Quentin : Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small it won't fuck us up. One day, in a world of dreams, you'll be able to say "wank" or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio. But "fuck," never.
Harold : [In the control room] Excuse me, my Lordship?
The Count : Yes, Harold?
Harold : You've left your mike up in the studio.
The Count : [Looks] So I have.
[His conversation with the count has been broadcasting the whole time]
The Count : [laughs] I do apologise to everyone out there for the four... Or was it five "F" words, Quentin? The Hollies will continue undisturbed. I'm so sorry about that, Quentin, but you know, I thought you sounded good. You have a lovely voice for radio.
Quentin : Fuck off.
The Count : That makes it six, Quentin.
Angus : The way I look at it, the world couldn't survive without my comedy, and who's going to have the moral backbone to play the Seekers when the mood is right?
Dave : They've split up.
Angus : I intend to celebrate the back catalogue.
Dave : I intend to stop you doing so.
Mark : [silently stands up and lights a cigarette]
Simon : As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage, but I survived that because I live for music. And now, with nothing else to live for, I'm willing to die for it as well.
'On-The-Hour' John : I've always lived for news and weather. Happy to die for them, too. Especially the weather.
Bob Silver 'the Dawn Treader' : I've got nowhere else to go.
Harold : I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham. So I think I'll stick around.
Felicity : Can't let everyone starve. And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me when I return to normal life.
Thick Kevin : I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me. Not about to go anywhere, just when I'm in with a chance.
'Young' Carl : Obviously, I'm in. You're the only people in the world who like me.
Harold : [the crew has decided to stay on the ship and keep broadcasting having nowhere else to go, Harold is the last one left] I *do* have somewhere else to go
[pause as crew looks at him. Quentin gives an "alright" shrug]
Harold : But it's Peckham so I'm staying
[all start backslapping and saluting]