Pirate Radio (2009)
Philip Seymour Hoffman: The Count
The Count : To all our listeners, this is what I have to say - God bless you all. And as for you bastards in charge, don't dream it's over. Years will come, years will go, and politicians will do fuck all to make the world a better place. But all over the world, young men and young women will always dream dreams and put those dreams into song. Nothing important dies tonight, just a few ugly guys on a crappy ship. The only sadness tonight is that, in future years, there'll be so many fantastic songs that it will not be our privilege to play. But, believe you me, they will still be written, they will still be sung and they will be the wonder of the world.
Gavin Cavanagh : Hit it!
The Count : You know, a few months ago, I made a terrible mistake. I realized something, and instead of crushing the thought the moment it came I... I let it hang on, and now I know it to be true. And I'm afraid it's stuck in my head forever. These are the best days of our lives. It's a terrible thing to know, but I know it.
The Count : This was the deal: I asked all of you to demand of me to do a very foolish thing, and you sent in ideas in their millions. But one idea has defeated them all, so I'm proud to announce I will soon be the first person to say the "F" word on rock 'n' roll radio in the United Kingdom of Great Britain. But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain. But also, perhaps, to educate a little. Cuz if you shoot a bullet, someone dies. When you drop a bomb, many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But... if you say the f-word, nothing actually happens. So here it comes. Especially for you, the "F" word.
The Count : First, though, this very fine piece of music.
[Puts on a record]
Quentin : You can't do this.
The Count : Why not? It's just a word!
Quentin : Charming thought, but here's the simple situation. The authorities already dislike us. If you do this they will hate us, and by hook or by crook, they'll find a way to close us down.
The Count : They can't close us down. We're pirates. That's why we're sitting out here in the middle of the freaking ocean.
Quentin : Believe me, they will find a way. Governments loathe people being free.
The Count : Okay, I'm thinking about it.
[to the listeners]
The Count : My dear comrades, I have some sad news. The powers that be have decreed that the "F" word is a word too far. But at least for now, even though our dreams of freedom have died a tragic death, the Hollies are still alive. Thank you.
[Back to Quentin]
The Count : I don't know why you did that. I was just gonna say "fuck" once. You know, one tiny little "fuck."
Quentin : There's no such thing as a tiny little "fuck."
The Count : Yeah there is. You should ask Angus' girlfriend.
Quentin : Be that as it may, there's no "fuck" so small it won't fuck us up. One day, in a world of dreams, you'll be able to say "wank" or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio. But "fuck," never.
Harold : [In the control room] Excuse me, my Lordship?
The Count : Yes, Harold?
Harold : You've left your mike up in the studio.
The Count : [Looks] So I have.
[His conversation with the count has been broadcasting the whole time]
The Count : [laughs] I do apologise to everyone out there for the four... Or was it five "F" words, Quentin? The Hollies will continue undisturbed. I'm so sorry about that, Quentin, but you know, I thought you sounded good. You have a lovely voice for radio.
Quentin : Fuck off.
The Count : That makes it six, Quentin.
The Count : Gentlemen, I'd consider it an honor if you'd join me on this historic night... in a salute... to The Fabulous Four; the glories of our age; the bringers of joy... to our future generations... cause' there will always be poverty and pain and war and justice in this world, but there will, thank the Lord, always be... the Beatles.
Quentin : The day has come. Tonight pirate radio dies. From midnight, we are a ghost ship floating without hope on cold and dark waters. You have done almighty work here. Thank you. But your work is done.
The Count : Not mine, sir. I'm an American citizen and I don't give a hootenanny God damn about your nitpicking limey laws. I intend to broadcast from this ship 24 hours a day until the day I die. And then for a couple days after that.
Gavin Cavanagh : Not wanting to sound rude or anything, but don't you think that might be an ever so slightly monotonous experience for the listener? What do you say to 12 hours each, noble sir?
The Count : Here's a rather long record. I hope I'm here at the end of it.
The Count : Arrhh, Jesus, I don't even like Simon! Fucking cry-baby!
The Count : I am The Count, and I'm counting you in as we count down to ecstasy and rock.
Dave : Sure throwing him in is the best way to get him to learn how to swim?
The Count : Absolutely.
Dave : Ok.
The Count : On second thought, it might just be for kids.
Angus : I can't touch the bottom!
The Count : Yeah, that's right. Throw a baby in, it floats. Instinctively, naturally. It's a beautiful thing. I think if you throw in an adult, doesn't work that way.
Angus : Goodbye!