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"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Episode #1.5 (TV Episode 1981) Poster

Quotes

Zaphod Beeblebrox: It's the weird colour scheme that freaks me. Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls, which are labeled in black on a black background, a small black light lights up black to let you know you've done it. Hey, what is this, some kind of galactic hyper-hearse?

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Marvin: The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.

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Bodyguard: [Ford is trying to talk to Hotbalck Desiato] Kid?

Ford Prefect: Yeah?

Bodyguard: Go away.

Ford Prefect: What?

Bodyguard: Beat it.

Ford Prefect: And who are you?

Bodyguard: I'm the guy who's telling you to beat it before you get it beaten for you.

Ford Prefect: Listen, ugly, I'm one of Hotblack's oldest mates and...

Bodyguard: And I am Mr. Desiato's personal bodyguard and I am responsible for his body and I am not responsible for yours, so take it away before it gets damaged.

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Barman: [whilst greeting Arthur and the others at Milliways] It's not unusual for customers to be disoriented after the time journey.

Trillian: Time Journey?

Ford Prefect: You mean... this isn't the afterlife?

Barman: The afterlife? No, sir.

Arthur: So... we're not dead?

Barman: Sir is most evidently alive otherwise I would not attempt to serve, sir.

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Zaphod Beeblebrox: You mean they want to arrest me over the phone? Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.

Ford Prefect: Yeah. You go to pieces so fast, people get hit by the shrapnel.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, what is this? Judgement Day?

Arthur Dent: Oh, do we get to see that as well? Terrific!

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[first lines]

The Book: The story so far: In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

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Max Quordlepleen: So many of you come time and time again to watch this final end of everything, which I think is really wonderful, and then to return home to your own eras and raise families, and strive for new and better societies and fight terrible wars for what you know is right, it gives one real hope for the whole future of lifekind.

[pauses a beat]

Max Quordlepleen: Except of course we know it hasn't got one.

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Arthur Dent: You know, it's not so much an afterlife, more a sort of après-vie.

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The Book: [Quoting slogan] If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe?

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Max Quordlepleen: So, ladies and gentlemen, take your places at table. The candles are lit, the band is playing, and as the force-shielded dome above us slides apart, revealing a dark and sullen sky, hung with the ancient light of livid, swollen stars, I can see that we are in for a fabulous evening's apocalypse!

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Dish of the Day: Good evening, madame and gentlemen. I am the main dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body?

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Max Quordlepleen: Is everyone having one last wonderful time? Good.

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Max Quordlepleen: Believe me, ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing penultimate about this one. This one, ladies and gentlemen, is the proverbial "it". After this, there is void... emptiness... oblivion... absolute nothing.

[dramatic pause]

Max Quordlepleen: Except, of course, for the sweet trolley and our fine selection of Aldebaran liqueurs. And for once, ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to worry about having a hangover in the mornings, for there won't be no more mornings!

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Zaphod Beeblebrox: Listen, you semi-evolved simian, go climb a tree, will you?

Arthur Dent: Go bang your heads together, four-eyes.

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Zaphod Beeblebrox: You guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.

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Max Quordlepleen: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for. The skies begin to tremble, nature collapses into the streaming void. In fifteen seconds' time, the universe itself will be at an end. See where the light of infinity bursts in upon us.

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Dish of the Day: May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver? It must be very rich and tender by now, I have been force feeding myself for months.

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Bodyguard: [Ford is trying to get Hotblack Desiato's attention when the bodyguard notices him] Kid!

Ford Prefect: Yeah?

Bodyguard: Beat it.

Ford Prefect: [looks around and sees the Bodyguard standing over him] Who are you?

Bodyguard: [cracks his knuckles] I'm the guy that's telling you to beat it before it gets beaten for you.

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The Book: It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, but that not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so if every planet in the universe has a population of zero, then the entire population of the universe must also be zero, and any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

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Dish of the Day: May I urge you, sir, to consider my liver. It must be very rich and tender by now. I have been force feeding myself for months.

Arthur Dent: Green salad, please.

Dish of the Day: A green salad?

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Ford Prefect: [regarding Hotblack Desiato] He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.

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Marvin: "Reverse primary thrust, Marvin." That's what they say to me. "Open airlock number 3, Marvin." "Marvin, can you pick up that piece of paper?" Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper.

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Zaphod Beeblebrox: There's a whole new life stretching out in front of you.

Marvin: Oh, not another one.

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Max Quordlepleen: And lastly, a party of devout believers from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon.

[applause]

Max Quordlepleen: Still waiting for the Second Coming? Well, fellows, let's hope he hurries. He's got eight minutes left.

[laughter]

Max Quordlepleen: No, but seriously, no offense meant. I know one shouldn't make fun of deeply-held beliefs. So, I think, a great big hand for the Great Prophet Zarquon...

[applause]

Max Quordlepleen: ...wherever he's got to.

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Marvin: [talking about his long wait for the others] The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million... they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.

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Zaphod Beeblebrox: Did you talk to the big noiseboy?

Ford Prefect: Hotblack? Yeah, I sort of spoke to him.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: What did he say?

Ford Prefect: Nothing much. He's, um...

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah?

Ford Prefect: He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.

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The Book: From these simple premises it can easily be proven that the galactic banking system is also the product of a deranged imagination.

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Arthur: [in Disaster Area's black ship] Now I really think I'll be ill.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Go ahead, we could do with a little colour around this place.

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[last lines]

Technician: [voiceover] OK, Hotblack, the black ship's ready to crash into the sun. Time to get there ourselves.

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[Zaphod, Trillian, Arthur, Ford, and Marvin are attempting to escape a stuntship that's going to hit the sun. Zaphod is holding Ford up so he can search the upper regions of the ship]

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey Ford, how many escape capsules are there?

Ford Prefect: None.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them?

Ford Prefect: Twice! Raise the crew on the radio?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah. I told them there were a whole bunch of people on board.

Ford Prefect: And they said?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: 'Hi there.'

Ford Prefect: Did you tell them who you were?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah. They said it was a great honor.

Arthur Dent: What does teleport mean?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: What did you say?

[Zaphod turns, causing Ford's foot to slip off his hand. Ford yells and falls somewhere offscreen]

Arthur Dent: Probably the wrong moment...

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Where does it say teleport?

Arthur Dent: Well here, underneath this sign that says out of order!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hell's donkeys!

Ford Prefect: It seems okay, just the automatic guidance, uh, where-ever-it-is-we're-going system is conked up!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Who cares where we go? Lets just go!

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See also

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