Agent Zoil: Motherfuckin' tittysuckin' two-balled bitch!
Graeme Willy: How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?
Paul: Actually I'm speaking English you fucking idiot!
Agent Zoil: Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.
Clive Gollings: Thank you, Agent Zoil.
Agent Zoil: Please call me Lorenzo.
Paul: [1980 collaboration phone call] Okay Steven, how 'bout cellular revivification?
Steven Spielberg: I don't know what that is.
Paul: Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.
Steven Spielberg: What's that mean?
Paul: It means healing, Mr. Spielberg.
Steven Spielberg: Yeah right, healing. Like by touch or something like that. Like maybe his finger lights up on the end when he reaches out and touches?
Paul: Maybe... You know, sometimes I find less is more.
Steven Spielberg: Hey, trust me.
Graeme Willy: You are an alien!
Paul: To you I am, yes.
Graeme Willy: Are you gonna probe us?
Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?
Paul: [to two rednecks] YO! fucknuts! It's Probing time.
Graeme Willy: Whats the matter Clive?
Clive Gollings: There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.
Graeme Willy: Did you want tea?
Clive Gollings: No, I don't want tea!
Graeme Willy: Right, because tea is weird in America.
Clive Gollings: [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.
Paul: [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you
[Clive and Graham turn around]
Paul: Put... the phone... down!
Clive Gollings: [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!
Paul: Aw fuck me.
Graeme Willy: [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?
Paul: I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!
Graeme Willy: But you made him faint!
Paul: It's not like I set my phaser to faint!
Graeme Willy: You've got a phaser?
Ruth Buggs: Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.
Paul: I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?
Graeme Willy: Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?
Paul: Fuck yeeah!
Ruth Buggs: You bet your big fat cock I am!
Paul: [Paul is posing on the couch as Graeme prepares to draw him] Are you gonna draw me like your French girls, Jack?
[blows a kiss]
Paul: This is America. Kidnapping a Christian is worse than harboring a fugitive.
The Big Guy: Haggard.
Agent Zoil: Zoil.
The Big Guy: Where are the other two?
Agent Zoil: One crashed and burned, the other just burned.
The Big Guy: Jesus Christ! This has been one fuck-up after another. I should have handled this myself.
Agent Zoil: I am very close. You give me one hour.
The Big Guy: An hour? I'll be eating canapès with the governor in an hour. I need this wrapped up now!
Agent Zoil: No, no. They're mine, damn it. I'm gonna finish this, once and for all.
The Big Guy: Too late, Zoil. I'm bringing in the big gun...
[Zoil shoots the radio]
Agent Zoil: Boring conversation anyway.
Clive Gollings: They're going to rape us and break our arms!
Graeme Willy: I don't want my arms broken.
Ruth Buggs: The world is 4000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design.
Paul: [offscreen in the bathroom] That's horseshit!
State Trooper: Where are you boys from?
Clive Gollings: ...England.
State Trooper: I heard about that place: no guns.
Graeme Willy: Not many...
Clive Gollings: No, not really, just... farmers.
State Trooper: Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?
Graeme Willy: [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...
Clive Gollings: They- they try not to...
[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]
Gas Station Attendant: [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.
Graeme Willy: Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.
[They hastily exit the store]
Haggard: I am authorized to use deadly force! Stand down!
Moses Buggs: That thing's got my daughter!
Haggard: Stand down! This is not your mission!
Moses Buggs: I'm on a mission from God!
Haggard: Tell him you failed!
Paul: [after getting frisked inappropriately by O'Reilly] Get your goddamn hands off my motherfuckin' junk!
O'Reilly: [Runs and screams outside of gift shop to Haggard] It's in there! It's in there!
Ruth Buggs: [after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?
Graeme Willy: Uhh...
Ruth Buggs: What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!
[Ruth falls over]
Paul: She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.
Paul: You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream.
Graeme Willy: [Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.
Tara Walton: But I don't have my toothbrush!
Paul: Toothbrush? Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth!
Haggard: [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?
Graeme Willy: Oh, no, that's Clive's...
Clive Gollings: It's my novel.
Haggard: [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!
O'Reilly: That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.
Graeme Willy: [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.
O'Reilly: I was just sayin'...
Ruth Buggs: Sorry you got killed by my dad.
Graeme Willy: That's fine. D'you want to try that kiss again?
Ruth Buggs: Fuck yeah.
Clive Gollings: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?
Graeme Willy: Well apparently they don't do that.
Paul: [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?
Graeme Willy: Paul, what happens if you get caught?
Paul: Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?
Clive Gollings: Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.
Paul: [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!
Ruth Buggs: So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?
Graeme Willy: Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.
Ruth Buggs: That's easy for you to say.
Graeme Willy: It's really not.
The Big Guy: [from the extended version] Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.
Graeme Willy: They've shut Guantanamo Bay.
The Big Guy: Did they? Be honest with yourselves.
Adam Shadowchild: Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."
Graeme Willy: Who said that?
Adam Shadowchild: I did. I just said that.
Adam Shadowchild: 3 tits? That's awesome.
Haggard: 3 tits? That's awesome.
Agent Zoil: 3 tits? That's awesome.
Alien on Paul's ship: 3 tits? Awesome.
Paul: [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?
Graeme Willy: No. Thank you.
Ruth Buggs: I'll partake.
Paul: Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.
Graeme Willy: Bob Dylan's not dead.
Paul: [smiles] Isn't he?
Adam Shadowchild: [Upon seeing the cover of Clive Gollings' book, which shows an alien woman with 3 breasts] Three tits? Awesome.
Clive Gollings: Ever since I saw "Mac and Me", I've dreamed about meeting you!
Paul: [shouting out the RV window as Graeme and Clive walk into a gas station] Hey! Reese's Pieces! Thank you!
The Big Guy: I'm the one holding all the cards. And when I say "cards", I of course mean big fucking gun.
Paul: Ugh, look. Tara, I...
Tara Walton: I didn't, just stop believing in you, you know. I've spent a very long time, trying to convince folks, all what happened that night. Everyone said I was mad, they told me it was a meteor that squashed little Paul. They took me away, and they did test, and said it was cosmic radiation and that I was cccan caused hallucinations, and I knew you were real. I pulled you out of that spaceship myself. I kept you warm and comfortable, and sat there next to you, til the men came to take you away. I tried to understand, but they would just smile and say, "there there, Tara." While, word got out about my story, yeah. Kids uses to come and throw stones at the house and call me names. I wanted to send myself away, I'd spend all night, just starring at the sky, and I'd catch a glimpse of you, and here you are.
Paul: I'm sorry, you know, if I could have done it, any another way. I...
Tara Walton: It's okay, you're real, it's all that matters. I was right, and all those folks that said I was crazy. While they can all just go fuck themselves.
Sword Vendor: That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.
Clive Gollings: How much?
Sword Vendor: $1349.99
Graeme Willy: Aren't you going to get it?
Clive Gollings: [Speaking in Klingon] Fuck that.
Graeme Willy: [while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!
Paul: [about Clive manhandling him] If I get a dork infection, you're dead!
Agent Zoil: You know you're a grown man, right? Probably shave, pay taxes. Have pubic hair.
O'Reilly: All of those things.
Graeme Willy: What do you think you're gonna dream about?
Clive Gollings: Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?
Graeme Willy: Wonder Woman.
Adam Shadowchild: I can't read this, it's a legal thing.
Paul: Oh, we're all made in God's image?
[Throws open the bathroom door]
Paul: Then how do you explain me?
Paul: And that's Jenga.
The Big Guy: [to Zoil, about Paul] Shit, the little fucker's probably gonna phone home or something.
Adam Shadowchild: Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.
[take stage in front of cheering audience]
Agent Zoil: One of them crashed and burned, the other one just burned.
Young Tara: [referring to her dog] Go on, then, Paul. Don't be long.