The Doctor: Okay, okay. Tch, tch. First things first. One: we're going to climb through this ship. B... no... two: we're going to reach the bridge. Three - or C: we're going to save the Titanic. And, coming in a very low Four or D or that little "iv" in brackets they use in footnotes... why. Right then, follow me.
The Doctor: Right then, follow me.
Rickston Slade: Hang on a minute. Who put you in charge, and who the hell are you anyway?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborous. I'm 903 years old and I'm the man who is gonna save your lives and all 6 billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?
Rickston Slade: No.
The Doctor: In that case, allons-y.
The Doctor: What's your name?
Midshipman Frame: Alonso.
The Doctor: You're kidding me.
Midshipman Frame: No, is something wrong?
The Doctor: Something else I've always wanted to say. Allons-y, Alonso!
Mr. Copper: I shall be taking you to Old London town in the country of UK, ruled over by Good King Wenceslas. Now human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of UK go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner, like savages!
The Doctor: Two thousand people on this ship, six billion underneath us, all of them slaughtered, and why? Because Max Capricorn is a loser!
Max Capricorn: I never lose!
The Doctor: You can't even sink the Titanic!
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I am 903 years old and I'm the man who's gonna save your lives, and all six billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?
The Doctor: That's what I am: just a traveler. Imagine it: no tax, no bills, no boss. Just the open sky.
The Doctor: Good, so, um... tell me - 'cause I'm an idiot - where are we from?
Robot Angel: Information: the Titanic is en route from the planet Sto in the Cassavalian Belt. The purpose of the cruise is to experience primitive cultures.
The Doctor: Titanic. Um... who... thought of the name?
Robot Angel: Information: it was chosen as the most famous vessel of the planet Earth.
The Doctor: Did they tell you why it was famous?
Robot Angel: Information: You are all going to die.
Astrid: This Christmas thing? What's it about?
The Doctor: Long story. I should know. I was there. I got the last room.
Bannakaffalatta: Bannakaffalatta stop! Bannakaffalatta proud. Bannakaffalatta... cyborg!
The Doctor: Take me to your leader! I've always wanted to say that!
Mr. Copper: So Great Britain is part of Europe, and just across the British channel you've got Great France and Great Germany?
The Doctor: It's just France and Germany. Only Britain is Great.
Astrid: So you travel alone?
The Doctor: [whispers] Stowaway.
The Doctor: It should be full. It should be busy, something's wrong.
Astrid: But it's beautiful.
The Doctor: Really? You think so? It's just a street. The pyramids are beautiful, and New Zealand.
Astrid: It's a different planet, I'm standing on a different planet. The-there's concrete, and shops, real alien shops! Real alien shops. Look, no stars in the sky. And it smells. It STINKS! This is amazing! "Thanks you!
The Doctor: Come on then, let's have a look.
Queen Elizabeth: [waving as the Titanic misses Buckingham Palace] Thank you, Doctor, thank you! Happy Christmas!
Mr. Copper: [regarding Rickston] Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have chosen, is it? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies... that would make you a monster.
The Doctor: I'm going to seal us in
Mr. Copper: Leaving us trapped, wouldn't you say?
The Doctor: Never say trapped, just... inconveniently circumstanced.
The Doctor: What's your first name?
Midshipman Frame: Alonso
The Doctor: [in disbelief] You're kidding me!
Midshipman Frame: What?
The Doctor: That's something else I've always wanted to say! Allons-y Alonso!
[commercial for Max Capricorn Cruise lines]
Max Capricorn: Max Capricorn Cruise Lines. The fastest, the furthest. The best. And I should know, because... My name is Max!
[he grins; light glints off his gold tooth with an audible "ping"]
The Doctor: "And I should know, because... "
Max Capricorn: My name is Max!
[his gold teeth makes a sparkle like in the commercial]
The Doctor: It really does that?
Foon Van Hoff: Have a buffalo wing. They must be enormous, these buffalo. So many wings.
Mr. Copper: But if the planet's waking up, can't we signal them? They could send up a rocket or something.
The Doctor: They don't have spaceships.
Mr. Copper: No, I've read about it. They have shuffles. Space shuffles.
The Doctor: Mr. Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where is it from?
Mr. Copper: Honestly?
The Doctor: Just between us.
Mr. Copper: Mrs. Golightly's Happy Travelling University and Dry Cleaners.
The Doctor: Who thought of the name?
Robot Angel: Information: it was chosen as the most popular vessel on the planet Earth.
The Doctor: Did they tell you why it was famous?
Robot Angel: Information: All designations are chosen by Mr. Max Capricorn, President of
Robot Angel: Mericks, Max, Max, Max, Max, Max, Max, Max, Max, Max, Max, Max...
[a crew member comes over and shuts the Host off]