R.L. Stine: [introducing himself to a classroom] Hello. My name is Mr. R.L. Stine. Every story ever told can be broken down into three parts. The beginning. The middle. And the twist.
Zach Cooper: You're him, aren't you? You're R.L.Stine.
R.L. Stine: R. L. who? I don't know who that is.
Zach Cooper: Oh really? Just as well cause his books suck.
Hannah: What are you doing?
Zach Cooper: I can't decide which I hate more: "Monster Blood" or "Go Eat Worms".
Champ: I'm so confused!
Zach Cooper: You see the endings coming from a mile away. It's like, stop trying to be Stephen King, man.
R.L. Stine: [slams on the brakes] Let me tell you something about Steve King. Steve King wishes he could write like me. I've sold way more books than him, but no one ever talks about that!
Champ: The Abominable Snowman just crawl out of a book, that doesn't just happen!
R.L. Stine: You just released every monster I've ever created!
Champ: What was that?
R.L. Stine: It's the Invisible Boy.
Champ: [getting slapped by Brent the Invisible Boy] Ow!
R.L. Stine: Ah, he's such a crack up.
Hannah: [quietly] Did you unlock a book?
R.L. Stine: [worried] Oh, no...
Zach Cooper: I'm sorry. I'll put it back where it belongs. Look, here it is.
Hannah: No, don't open it!
[Zach accidentally opens a manuscript which releases the Abominable Snowman of Pasadena, the Abominable Snowman touches a light of a ceiling lamp, which stings his finger]
Hannah: [whispering] Nobody make a sound.
[Champ screams in terror which the Abominable Snowman of Pasadena hears him, then he starts to charge at him, but Zach pushes him aside, then the Abominable Snowman breaks out of the house]
Zach Cooper: [an army of lawn gnomes start popping out] Gnomes? Maybe, they're friendly.
[One lawn gnome throws a knife next to him, then its eyebrows turns angry]
Zach Cooper: Not friendly! Definitely not friendly!
[One lawn gnome jumps and starts to attack R.L. Stine, but Champ smashes it with a frying pan]
[after typing "The Invisible Boy's Revenge" on R.L. Stine's typewriter]
Brent Green (The Invisible Boy): You forgot about me!
[Leaves hand marks on the glass and manically laughs as Stine screams]
[During a chase in the grocery store, the Werewolf crashes in an isle of food, then R.L. Stine trips and gets placed in a shopping cart, and Zach pushes the cart]
R.L. Stine: What are you doing? Get me out!
[the Werewolf starts coming after Zach and Stine]
R.L. Stine: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, keep going!
Hannah: So you're the new neighbor?
Zach Cooper: Yeah. I'm Zach, by the way.
Hannah: I'm Hannah.
R.L. Stine: [from behind her] Hannah, get away from the window. Now!
Hannah: I gotta go.
[R.L. Stine appears at the window]
Zach Cooper: Hi! Hey, we're just moving in.
R.L. Stine: [referring to the fence between their two houses] You see that fence?
Zach Cooper: Uh, yes...
R.L. Stine: [sternly] Stay on your side of it.
[Stine leaves the window]
Champ: Y'know how they say teenagers have no fear of death? That they're never gonna get hurt? Well not me, OK? I was born with the gift of fear.
Zach Cooper: [referring to Hannah's dad] He's a big teddy bear.
Hannah: Don't take it personally. He doesn't really like anyone.
Hannah: So, why'd you move to Madison?
Zach Cooper: Well, my mom said to me: "Zach, if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?" And I said: "Can we please move to Madison, Delaware? That'd be my dream."
Hannah: [laughs] Are you always this sarcastic?
Zach Cooper: Always. That's a strong word. Not always. Usually.
Officer Stevens: [to Zach] Do you have any idea what the penalty is for filing a false police report?
Officer Brooks: Three years!
Officer Stevens: Yeah, close. It... actually, it's a written warning.
R.L. Stine: All the monsters I've ever created are locked inside these books. But when they open...
Zach Cooper: Alright, everyone, find anything you can to barricade the doors.
Hannah: We cannot let the monsters inside.
R.L. Stine: What are you doing here? Go home!
Zach Cooper: No! No, no. Not until you explain what's going on.
R.L. Stine: No, no, no. I can't explain it!
Zach Cooper: We were almost eaten by Frosty the Snowman, which should be impossible, by the way. So try.
R.L. Stine: Okay, look! Where do I begin? When I was younger, I suffered from terrible allergies that kept me indoors. And all the kids threw rocks at my window and called me names. So I created my own friends. Monsters, demons, ghouls to terrorize my neighbourhood and all the kids that made fun of me. And they became real to me. And then one day... they actually... became... real. My monsters literally leapt off the page. As long as the books remain locked, we're safe, but when they open, well, you've just seen what happens.
Champ: I'm allergic to dust mites.
R.L. Stine: What's your point?
Champ: I'm just saying, I have allergies too, so I understand.
Gale: [using a microphone, talking to everyone in the auditorium] I know I speak for the entire administration when I say how excited we are about this Friday's dance. We can't stop twerking about it.
Hannah: Come on, open the book.
Zach Cooper: Hannah, there's something that you need to know and you're not gonna...
Hannah: Open the book, Zach.
Zach Cooper: No, no. You don't understand. If we open the book, that means...
Hannah: It means I'll be stuck on a shelf someplace forever.
Zach Cooper: You knew?
Hannah: How many sweet sixteens can one girl have? Zach, it's time to move on. Now open the book, scaredy-cat.
Zach Cooper: So, how did you...
Hannah: The cellar doors. I disconnected the alarm months ago.
Zach Cooper: Jeez... and I thought my house was a prison.
Hannah: You should try being homeschooled.
Zach Cooper: [the moon glows bright on Hannah as she turns ghostly blue] What is it?
Zach Cooper: Are you sure?
Zach Cooper: Yeah, totally. I'm fi...
[interrupted by a Graveyard Ghoul]