Vampire Killers (2009) Poster

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Went in for the title, went out with a smile
Nick A8 June 2009
This is one of those titles that make you expect the worst, but make you have to watch it. So I took some time on a weary afternoon, and I gave it a shot.

The first minutes I was happily surprised. Settings and costumes chosen with care, good camera-work and effects (none of the vague stuff that surrounds low-budget flicks), and some witty dialogues. Typical British, yes, but that's a positive remark. The main characters, and their main philosophy, was much to my liking. What follows is more of the same, and I never felt the need to fast-forward or to hide my face and ears in shame. My eyes definitely could appreciate the displayed beauty, whereas in England, these girls should actually be harder to find.

Okay, so the critics will bash on the plot (no sh*t, Sherlock) and the overacting in some cases (again, it's not a candidate for the Oscars). True, no need to expect the best either, but if that's what you're going for, then why choose this movie.

A good time, with true laughs ... I got what I came for.
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Cheesy but I liked it.
nickodemos26 May 2009
This is without a doubt a movie all teenage boys wish they could have made. Dumb without a doubt. No real worth other than cheeky humor and showing off women in a tawdry way. But come on this is what the entire movie was about.

I hope that the budget wasn't all that much so that maybe they can do a sequel with werewolves so that Fletch can get what he asked for in this movie.

To all the people out there why slam a movie when the movie was made to be like this. It's not like they were trying to make another Dracula (1992). This was nothing but fun campy humor. And well done at that.
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Sharp-toothed, braindead fun.
Jamie Ward1 April 2009
Okay, so, Lesbian Vampire Killers huh? Yes, I know, it sounds ludicrous, atrocious, gimmicky and gauche—but you know what? I enjoyed it. In fact, I really enjoyed it, and please bear in mind that a few readers would have you believe me to be a pompous twit. Nevermind however, because Lesbian Vampire Killers is a hoot if you're willing to simply sit back and be tickled in special areas for ninety minutes. Sure it's crude, utterly pointless and relies mostly on the humour of men drooling over breasts whilst decapitating lots of pretty strippers—but that's the point of the feature, and it's downright hilarious, fun and engaging if you're open to such stupidity. Of course, I often slam movies for being braindead and moronic, but that's only if they fail to make me giggle after the hundredth pitiful attempt at doing so. No, rather than come across as a lame Movie hybrid, Phil Claydon here manages to create a wonderfully dark comedy parody akin more to the classic Evil Dead movies spliced with a touch of Braindead and Shaun of the Dead. It's audacious, rude, blasphemous and somewhat morbidly erotic—and yet, I couldn't have been more pleased with such a piece of popcorn-trash-cinema.

The movie takes place largely within a small rural area of Norfolk which has a history involving an ancient curse that creates lesbian vampires out of all the town's females as soon as they turn eighteen. Off on an unsuspecting break from their dreary lives which are shamefully going nowhere, best friends Fletch (James Corden) and Jimmy (Mathew Horne) soon end up in the middle of a group of scantily clad, tantalising lesbians who take a special interest in Jimmy because of his supposed lineage dating back to their hybrid queen who wants to rule the world again. Sound hammy? Well, yes, it is. Yet, rather than simply avoid that fact, writers Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams acknowledge the cliché, intangible nature of the plot consistently; toying and poking at its pretentiousness at every chance through either a quip from one of the characters, or many of the devices used to further it along (The Sword of Dialdo, for example). Not only does help to solidify the movie's satirical edge towards fooling no-one to take all this seriously, but it offers plenty of brilliant one-liners and character humour too, resulting in a light, almost care-free experience that entertains more than disgruntles.

With that being said however, it should also be noted that Lesbian Vampire Killers isn't all dumb and sophomoric; in fact, there's plenty of intelligence going on behind the scenes, and it isn't hard to see. The most potent example of this comes in the form of the characters themselves who, although never straying far from the horror movie clichés of unknowing and coy hero with his bumbling, comic relief buddy, nevertheless work very well on screen to counteract the movie's tendency to off on extremely surreal tangents. Working with fast-paced, edgy dialogue that always feels timely and natural, the actors come off as having a ton of fun here, and this playful nature complements the distinctly farcical side of the feature's story. Of course, a large majority of that very same dialogue gets most of its laughs from the odd curse here or there, but it's all so well timed and perfectly played out that you don't care if it's cheap and rudimentary—Lesbian Vampire Killers, isn't necessarily out to impress through any other means, and it's refreshing to be treated to such a movie that stays true to that ideal without succumbing to tired, derivative writing.

Furthermore, it has to be said that while the feature comes from an ensemble of largely unknowns within the business, you would never be able to tell. Everything from the set design and performances, to the fantastic score penned by Debbie Wiseman and the beautifully complementary photography of David Higgs accentuates the movie's greatest parts resulting in a coherent, engaging whole that echoes the script's exploitation-flick direction. So, much like those feisty lesbian vampires themselves, Lesbian Vampire Killers does well to keep things edgy, morbid, and bloody, but most of all—attractive, fun and alluring. Not everyone will appreciate what Claydon and company achieve here (in fact, most will be sure to brush it off as nothing but juvenile penis jokes), but those looking for downright hilarious horror done with passion and conviction need look no further than this which has everything from dildo-handled swords inflicting stylized gore with foul-mouthed priests (who just happen to destroy lesbianism, go figure) to, well; lesbian vampires. It's the perfect Friday night popcorn muncher, so sit back with some friends and enjoy it for the sharp-toothed, braindead fun that it is.

  • A review by Jamie Robert Ward (
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Silly British movie, but funny and with a nonsense story!
Jessica Carvalho7 October 2010
Warning: Spoilers
In a Small Village, all girls that turn 18 become lesbian vampires, thanks to a curse that Camilla, a lesbian vampire queen who was defeated by Baron Wolfgang Maclaren, put in the villagers many centuries ago. In the modern days, we have Jimmy and Fletch, two friends that want to do something cool on their vacations, and decide to go on a hiking in an unknown village( that of course, is the same cursed village full of lesbians vampires).

At first, Fletch and Jimmy are not very excited to stay in the place, but when they meet a group of hot girls, they decide to give the place a chance. The only problems is that the girls are turning into lesbian vampires one by one, till only Lotte is left. Obviously, they will need to do something to help the other girls and to prevent Lotte from becoming a lesbian vampire as well.

''Lesbian Vampire Killers '' is a funny and silly movie. By it's title you can know what you are going to get: a B movie full of lesbian vampires, blood and nonsense! I see many people complaining about the movie, but come on! What would you expect with a movie with a title like this? It's suppose to be bad and fun! At least they are not fooling anyone!

Anyway, I loved Fletch, he was the comic star in this movie, specially with his references about the gay werewolf and his frustration with women. All the girls casted were very beautiful and most of the jokes were fun too.

Watch this movie is if you want to see blood, disgusting fluids and a funny nonsense film!
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What did you expect?
shanangus9 April 2009
This is for everyone who didn't like this movie. What did you expect. Really, what did you expect? You went to see a movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers. It had the lesbians, it had the vampires and oh yes, there were killings. Okay, it wasn't the best movie ever. The style was kind of like heroes meets sean of the dead. But it was as funny as other good comedies, it kept me entertained from start to finish mostly because of the lesbians but that's neither here nor there and although the plot was simple it was a nice idea. Essentially unless you like lesbians vampires and killings, and unless you one of those people who sees Matthew Horne throwing a sword at the bad guy who is in the middle of his two friends and think 'that doesn't make any sense he could have missed and hit James Corden, why didn't he just stab the sword' instead of thinking 'wow that was kick ass' then don't go and see this movie because you won't enjoy it.
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I sincerely loved it
GrislyBloodfeast22 September 2010
I can't understand why this film has such low reviews. It's funny and stylish with a decent budget. I'm from the states, so I had never heard of Corden or Horne before. They made me laugh a few times, since they're professional comedians and everything, and Horne is attractive. A few people I talked to said they were disappointed the lesbianism wasn't taken farther - okay, go see a girl on girl flick. I like camp and b-films and this was definitely one of the better ones I've seen. It's actually funny and cute as all hell. I would love to see a sequel about gay werewolves starring these two but sadly, I don't think that will happen since this film wasn't a smash success. Also, as a woman, I didn't find anything terribly disgusting or cruel regarding the deaths of any of the characters...although vanquishing an ancient lesbian evil with a cock sword could been seen as offensive - whatever! It's schlock! It's fun! Calm down and laugh at the ridiculousness of it. Better than most - by a long shot.
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Modern day Abbott and Costello meet the Lesbian Vampires
basictek27 June 2009
So I can't understand the poor rating for this film, except to think it was marketed to the wrong people (by accident).

What this film is not... 1) A horror film. There are no scares, it's not a fright fest. It's not even really what I would term "gory". 2) This is not Evil Dead, or Shawn or the Dead, but more like Army of Darkness. 3) This is not a porn film, there is little nudity, but if you like to see hot ladies, barely clothed, then...

What this film is... 1) Pure camp and all out laughs 2) lots of action and hilarious special effects. 3) An amazing soundtrack even for a high budget A movie. 4) Non stop memorable scenes and one liners. Based on a lot of reviews from IMDb, critics, and other sites, it seems many who watched this film expected something quite different. To me it's a modern day comic masterpiece Cordon as Fletch and McGann as the Vicar were my favorite characters. The beautiful lead vampires played by Silvia and Vera were amazing and right there as well. The rest of the cast (Mathew and Myanna especially) were also great and did just what they needed to do.

This movie is fun sober or wasted. Enjoy either way just take things a little less seriously...
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Very Funny Spoof-of-a-Spoof
Nos5122 March 2009
The film is a continuous quote: Dracula, American Werewolf in London, Withnail and I, Ed Wood's films, Roger Corman's horror movies with Vincent Price (Paul McGann's excellent vicar's tone is very reminiscent of Price's in Corman's interpretations of Poe) and all the Hammer horrors with lesbian undertones.

More than just a spoof the film is in a genre of its own being a "spoof-of-a-spoof" like few others before. This can make it difficult to understand just what the film sets out to do if one is expecting a horror, it certainly is not a horror or an action movie. The comparisons to Shaun of the Dead are also a big red herring and not very helpful, as this is a much more Post-Modern citation exercise with references far wider and in many more genres; it's not simply a case of an attempt in emulating for vampires what the Romero zombie movies did for Shaun of the Dead, but altogether a much more varied and inclusive exercise. L.V.K also takes itself less seriously to a degree than one would not believe in a feature length film, but it manages to do so in a way that is very entertaining if one is prepared to fore-go most of the expectations of what a film should be about.

The writing could have been polished up further, it could have done with a final re-write to tie it all together, and this is the film's main weakness, but there is enough comedy in it to laugh every few minutes if one is prepared to embark on this journey of quotation spotting. Some of the lines are so outrageously camp that with different actors it certainly would not have worked, but the film has been brilliantly cast and even the most improbable lines are recited and acted with just the right level of irony.

The sound effects are one of the strongest elements, together with the lesbian vampires' epic hair-dos which are highly imaginative and an exercise in quotations in itself, a strong effort by the art directors in what is a low-budget movie that makes no apologies for it. Phil Claydon's directing is full of enjoyment, he is constantly joking with the cameras and choices of shots that are commentaries on a commentary, further spoofing Hitchcock in the shower sequence for example.

This is a film might require a specific understanding of the Post-Modern culture we are living in to be appreciated, or it can simply be enjoyed for what it is. It is neither violent nor scary, but this is not necessarily a bad thing and it might be here that lies its charm, those who will let go of politically correct preoccupations of what a film or a title of a film should be about will inevitably enjoy this light hearted comedy as it has plenty of opportunities to laugh out loud, if you are not too worried what the person next to you or the eminent critics will think of you and you just join in the fun!
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Wishes it were Shaun of the Dead with Vampires
motta80-213 March 2009
There is one word for this film: Weak. If you think you're going to get Shaun Of The Dead with vampires as one comment suggests you will be massively disappointed.

This film is not without it's laughs, but sadly they are few and far between and mostly in the trailer (the werewolf line is still the best in the whole film so work out how much that made you laugh in the trailer, figure that's the best you're getting and decide from there).

It is only 87 minutes but it still manages to get dull, something Shaun avoided. It does not have the deft lightness, charm and flow of Shaun and this is largely due to sub-Carry On writing that thinks it's funny when you are rolling eyes and groaning. The direction is lazy and feels more like one of the standard rubbish 'Brit comedian(s) comedy' like Sex Lives Of The Potato Men or Parole Officer. It's better than Potato Men of course - on a sort of level with Parole Officer I suppose or the Oz comedy Black Sheep.

Perhaps if Horne and Corden had written it, as Pegg and Wright did for Shaun, it would have worked for them better. But this is a weak film that only comes off as the pair trying (and failing) to do their own Shaun. Avoid unless a die-hard Horne and Corden fan, and even then you'll have to talk yourself into enjoying it if you're sober!
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90mins of nothing much really
hoodieJ18 March 2009
This film isn't intelligent (even is a cool post-modern kind of way). If you are a braying idiot who just likes base humour, you'll be in your element. It would be unfair to say this was badly acted or made. It isn't. The film is called 'Lesbian vampire killers' so the most important thing has to be FUN. This film is not. It is dull. It even fails as a party movie. When I saw this I really wanted to like it, but it's just so badly written and so misjudged that i feel kinda sorry for it. If it's aiming for tits and arse jokes, why are there barely any tits and arse? The protagonists spout blue jokes all the way through the film, but the violence is slight and childish. The lesbianism is virtually non-existent. I guess the makers were aiming for American pie meets Dracula but everything is so toned down that it becomes totally unbalanced. Like an episode of 'Goosebumps' but with two swearing cretins. Actually that description makes it sound better than it is.
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another terrible British horror comedy
manmental-18 March 2009
What a waste of money and talent. This is yet another example of the British Film Industry hopelessly trying to make another 'shaun of the dead' style film, but without involving anyone who knows about the horror-comedy-genre. So what we have here are dreadfully unfunny scenes with a brief splattering of blood and hardly any lesbian action. It is neither funny, scary, original, sexy or valid on any ground. I can't remember a stand-out scene and am just left with a bitter taste in my mouth having sat through this disaster of a film. Avoid at all costs. watch EVIL DEAD 2 or RE-ANIMATOR or BAD TASTE or BRAINDEAD if you want to see how this kind of film should be made.
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sinister_prog25 March 2009
Opening night at the cinema, 2 dozen people at most in it. The writers must have relied entirely on the humorous title and the fact that the two male leads are from a moderately successful British sit-com to bring the crouds in. Their character development is minimal, Try to think of "Shaun of the Dead" or "Withnail and I" with all the humour taken out. Lesbianism that is just a bit of kissing and some boobie shots, and there's a bit of blood and biting for the vampire scenes. None of the characters are really likable though. Why cheer for Jimmy if all he does is stand there looking gormless all the time? Hang on, he's pretending to be Ash from the Evil Dead series.... maybe not. Fletch's character is someone who thinks 4 letter words are funny.

There's a strange feeling of unbalance in this film. One of my gripes was the sound. it's way over-produced, every single spooky noise going through the whole surround system in sequence to the point where it's not spooky at all. The effects and scenes are top notch, so are the costumes and make-up on the vampire girls, so why wasn't more effort put into the script and the filming? There's barely enough material to fill half an hour here, and sometimes the action feel clumsy and awkward as if neither the actors nor the film crew really knew what's going on.

Put it this way, if you want to watch vampires being killed, watch Blade or Dusk till dawn. If you want to watch lesbians, search the internet. And it you can't find a teen comedy, you need to get out more.
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Lesbian Vampire Killers... The tit all says it all!
elysium3622 March 2009
This film is perhaps one of the most shocking British films I have ever seen. Step aside Shaun of the Dead, a new masterpiece has hit our cinema screens, splatting against it with the velocity of a bag of blood red rotten tomatoes. Yes, another classic British comedy! Was it perhaps scripted by Oscar Wilde from beyond the grave? If so may he turn and turn again, and his shrivelled brain disolve to dust! I cannot even be bothered to discuss the plot, the acting throughout would appeal to those that like shouting "It's behind you" at a pantomime. If you find bodily functions amusing, then have an enema instead, and get it out of your system. If you've recently sustained a severe brain injury, you might laugh between the dribbling, but those with severe brain injuries will probably do that anyway. My advice is save your money, put it on a lame horse at a hundred to one, it will probably be a loser, but not as big a loser as this pile of mindless bile. Avoid like the plague, or in preference contract the plague, it would be more interesting experience than watching this!
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Intentionally corny title, surprisingly fun b-movie
Quebec_Dragon2 April 2011
Beyond the obviously ridiculous title, this little British b-movie is quite above the norm. It's first and foremost a comedy with some horror elements. It has been compared to Shaun of the Dead because it's a British horror comedy yet also a buddy movie. Although Lesbian Vampire Killers (LBK) is not as good, clever or critical of society, it remains quite entertaining. I was pleasantly surprised and had a very good time watching it. LBK seems to mix in a Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen) style of directing (alternating sped up fragments of actions and slow-motion) with "Heroes"-like captions and comic book like transitions. I found this quite dynamic and visually appealing. You don't usually notice lighting but in this one I did and found it very well done, atmospheric and at times inspired. Same thing for the musical score where it was even appropriately epic sometimes. I'm difficult yet found the script and situations more amusing than not.

The director knows his genre trappings. Sometimes, he revels in the clichés (funny though), sometimes he subverts them. The dialogue although not the cleverest out there was fine and did the job. I was disappointed that the very well introduced "country" girls vanished so quickly from the movie (except one), yet their respective exits were surprising and funny. I liked the hapless buddies/reluctant heroes, especially the big guy who was juvenile-minded yet comically egotistical and self-conscious. His performance seemed a bit forced sometimes though (witness his laugh in the grave). The stand-out for me though was the vicar who had the required gravitas, perfect diction and an impressive presence. Of course, one should not forget the lesbian vampires who looked and acted the part although none were really developed psychologically... A few french kisses, a couple of breasts (in the flashbacks mostly), lots of diaphanous dresses but nothing extreme or even soft-core (fortunately or not depending on your tastes :). As for gore, it's mostly white goop instead of red blood and played for (slightly) disgusting comical effect. LBK is the perfect b-movie to rent and watch with a couple of like-minded friends. It delivers everything the title promises and more. The production values and directing are also better than you might expect from such a low-budget film.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10 (Very good)
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Entertaining Silliness
Claudio Carvalho23 September 2009
Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampire Queen Carmilla (Silvia Colloca) in the remote Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampire, she curses the locals and descendants of the baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampire on the eighteenth birthday. On the present days, the clumsy and naive cuckold Jimmy (Mathew Horne) is dumped again by his girlfriend Judy (Lucy Gaskell) and misses her. His best friend Fletch (James Corden) is fired in his job of clown after hitting an annoying boy. The two friends are broken and decide to camp in the countryside to forget their problems, and Jimmy throws a dart in a map in a pub to decide where they should go. They head to Cragwich and when they arrive in the bar Baron's Rest, they see four hot girls leaving the place in a Kombi. The innkeeper offers the old Mircalla cottage in the woods for them, the same place the girls will lodge. Meanwhile, Lotte (MyAnna Buring), Heide (Tiffany Mulheron), Anke (Louise Dylan) and Trudi (Ashley Mulheron) have trouble with their van and Jimmy and Fletch reach them in the forest and they offer a ride to the guys to the cottage. They introduce themselves as students of folklore and they are researching the Vampire Queen Carmilla. When Fletch believes that he will have a night of beer and sex with three sexy girls and Jimmy and Lotte have a crush on each other, the cottage is surrounded by a group of lesbian vampires that vampires intend to use Jimmy and Lotte's blood to bring Carmilla back to life. They are abducted by the vampires, but Fletch escapes and meets Reverend Vicar (Paul McGann) that tells him that Jimmy is a descendant of the baron and only hope to stop the evil curse of Cragwich.

The B-movie "Lesbian Vampire Killers" is indeed an entertaining silliness with a funny story, supported by a stylish cinematography, very sexy women and two imbeciles in the lead roles. There are many good moments, and I particularly liked when Jimmy invites by chance the lesbian vampires to enter in the cottage; or the reference to a gay werewolf inclusive in the very last scene; or when Judy meets her lover at his home. This movie will certainly never be nominated to an Oscar and is not recommended to intellectuals or fans of art movie; however, for an average viewer like me that knows what might expect from a movie with the title "Lesbian Vampire Killers", he or she will not be disappointed and will certainly laugh a lot. The beautiful and sexy actresses have been very well cast by the producers. My vote is six.

Title (Brazil): Not Available (only on 30 October 2009)
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Very funny, but never scary comedy horror.
kevin_crighton22 March 2009
When Jimmy is dumped by his girlfriend for the umpteenth time, he persuades his friend Fletch to join him on a hiking holiday. Arriving in a small town, they are sent to a cottage where there is free accommodation. It also happens to have a camper van full of girls staying there too! But they discover that there is an ancient curse on the girls in the village, where when a girl turns 18 they become a lesbian vampire.....

This movie is the latest to try and combine the horror and comedy genres. It certainly gets the humour content spot-on. Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams have written a very funny script. A lot of the humour does rely on the chemistry of James Corden and Mathew Horne as Fletch and Jimmy, and they are both very good too. Paul McGann gives good support as a priest who helps fight the evil in the area. The girls in the movie are very attractive, if not the best actors.

Phil Claydon directs the movie quite well. The movie looks impressive, the sets a throwback to the Hammer horror movies of the sixties.

But where the movie fails is the horror element. There never any real scares that the best horror comedy movies have. It could be that this movie is aimed purely as a comedy, that happens to be horror set, but as it is billed as a horror-comedy it has to be judged on those terms.

The effects and make-up are pretty good, and because of a lack of blood (when the vampires die, a white substance erupts from them), it is only rated a 15 in the UK.

The movie is fast paced and never out-stays it welcome and for it's running time, will have you laughing a lot. Sadly though it lacks the horror element to put it up there with the better horror comedies.
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If I could give this a 0/10, I would.
Kenny Tosh9 August 2009
People seem to compare this to Shaun of the Dead a lot so, when I watched this, I really tried not to. Here's the thing, though... It's quite hard to do. Outside the more obvious things like the parodying of different horror movie antagonists, and the "loser with a fat best friend" pairing of Horne and Corden, the first 10 minutes is pretty much how Shaun of the Dead starts without the zombies and through Corden's acting you can hear him screaming "I want to be Nick Frost!" to himself.

Outside of this though, the movie is still terrible. Most of the humour derives from horror movie clichés (you'll have lost count of them before you even open the popcorn) and all of the jokes are unoriginal and incredibly predictable. In fact, nearly everything that I gathered was supposed to be funny to some extent reminded me of a joke from another British comedy that was done so much better. One of the "running gags" through the movie is that Horne/Corden fails at doing something simple like kicking a door down while a supporting character does it with ease. When I saw this I couldn't help but think the writers were thinking "Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright did that thing with the fences in Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz, we need something similar".

The acting is pretty terrible throughout as well. When the women came into the picture about 20 minutes in, all of them (with the exception of the lead female) speak with this very fake and very annoying European accent. One of them also has a gimmick of only saying "Ja, ja" which got old after... I dunno, the first time she said it? But when I heard the girls speak for the first time I honestly felt embarrassed about what I was watching and, had I been watching this at a cinema, I would have most definitely walked out. Let's be thankful most of the girls only had a bit-part.

The plot... Well, what is there to it? It's as if the writers thought to themselves "Let's make the most generic vampire plot imaginable. It's okay though; because it's a comedy we can get away with it". The thing is, you can only get away with an uninspired plot if the rest of the movie is original and inspired and, since the rest of the movie can't even get the "funny" right, it doesn't get anything else right either. Not even the horror bits. My girlfriend jumps a mile whenever there's a jumpy part of a movie but she didn't flinch for the entire 80 minutes of this. Why? Because the entire movie is an uninspired, unoriginal, incredibly predictable and incredibly lazy piece of garbage that didn't need to be made.
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Britain's worst vampire movie, a puerile mess through and through
Leofwine_draca9 November 2011
Of all the lame movies made by the British film industry in the past decade, LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS stands as the worst of the lot. It's a godawful wannabe comedy-horror hybrid, even worse than that film Neil Morrissey made called I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE. Some fans of James Corden and Mathew Horne – if there are any – may get a few more chuckles out of it than I did, but I think even those with the most forgiving of temperaments are going to find this hard going.

The "plot", if you can call it that, appears to have been written on the back of a beermat with as little insight as possible: two good-for-nothing blokes go on holiday to Norfolk (not that you'll recognise it) and fall foul of an ancient curse involving lesbian vampires. In fact, the plot was written around the title, but if you're hoping for a cheesy, blood-soaked B-movie in the vein of FROM DUSK TILL DAWN or TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, then you're going to be disappointed.

There's barely any nudity and the decision was made to have the vampire blood white instead of red, so any would-be splatter scenes are completely awful. Add in a bunch of models with hopeless acting and the kind of embarrassing computer effects that lace modern episodes of DOCTOR WHO, and you have a film which relies on the script to work. And work it could have, if the script had allowed for genuine laughs and warmth.

It doesn't. This is 'comedy' of the lowest common denominator, obsessed with dick and boob gags and without an ounce of wit anywhere to be seen. I tend to avoid modern comedy for a reason, and the supremely unfunny James Corden is precisely that reason. What makes it all the worse is that this guy thinks he's genuinely witty and amusing, when in fact most viewers will want to bash his head in with a shovel the second he appears on screen. Given the amount of screen time devoted to this guy, watching LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS is a cinematic equivalent of hell on Earth.

There isn't much else to report. Horne is less irritating, but that's purely because he's playing the straight man to Corden's so-called 'gags'. The actresses are terrible in the extreme, and what Paul McGann is doing in this mess is anyone's guess – it's even worse than Queen of the Damned. It's also worse than Beyond the Rave, worse than the terrible Fred Olen Ray vampire skinflicks, worse than anything else that springs to mind. For a genuine lesbian vampire film, you could do worse than Hammer's THE VAMPIRE LOVERS to banish this travesty from your memory.
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Rug-munching bloodsuckers from Norfolk.
BA_Harrison31 October 2009
Obviously spurred on by Simon Pegg and Nick Frost's meteoric success following their appearance in British zombie comedy Shaun of the Dead, 'Gavin & Stacey's James Corden and Mathew Horne attempt to pull off the same trick by starring in Lesbian Vampire Killers, the tale of a luckless pair of lads who find themselves neck deep in sexy vampires whilst on a hiking holiday.

However, rather than catapulting them into Hollywood blockbuster territory, this puerile effort is more likely to send the hopeful duo hurtling into obscurity.

Playing a pair of foul-mouthed losers obsessed with sex and beer isn't the problem—after all, the main characters in 'Shaun' were hardly upstanding role models. No, the main reason this film fails so spectacularly is that it just isn't funny, with the comedy rarely rising above the level of schoolboy toilet humour, and the incessant swearing only serving to highlight the lack of genuine wit (to my shame, I sniggered at the phallic sword hilt, but that joke was the best of a very bad bunch and was repeated ad nauseum).

In addition to the laugh-free script, Cordon and Horne fail to make their characters likable, director Phil Claydon irritates with his dreadful directorial gimmicks, the acting is absolutely crap, the film lacks blood 'n' guts (when the vamps are killed, they spew white goop; what's up with that?), and the lesbian vampires themselves disappoint by never getting completely naked and properly getting it on with each other (there's a little bit of girl on girl snogging, but what's the point of giving your film such a cool sounding title if you're not really going to try and live up to it?).

All in all, this film is a complete embarrassment and an insult to fans of horror comedy.
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Silly, but could of been better.
Vanilla Lionheart22 March 2009
Although I feel the film could of been better in many ways, it was a silly film with a few laughs which, lets be honest, what it was set out to be. As the title suggests there is a lot of lesbians (there could of been more but I still think there was enough lesbianism going on), vampires and of course killings. It was definitely a film to bring a smile to anyone's face. Nothing too smart, just plain and simple comedy. A good mise-en-scene of the film with lots of low key lighting. Also one or two jumpy bits of the film, not you usually got the gist of what was going to happen, and for a silly film that's not always a bad thing. I'd recommend this film for people who want a few laughs. Not absolutely hilarious, but still pretty good.
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Very funny and riskier than Shaun of the Dead
mandisc23 March 2009
Just got back from the cinema after watching this. I have to say that we went along to see as it was one of those afternoons where we didn't have much going on. Well I'm glad we did because I laughed all the way till the end.

I'm not going to include any plot details etc as to be honest the plot is in the title.

You know if this is the sort of thing for you. Don't go to see this movie if you think the title is ridiculous.

But if the idea of Lesbians, vampires and action is where you're at then this will keep you entertained, enjoy!
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The only thing remotely funny about this movie is the title.
Michelle Kay2 December 2009
The only thing remotely funny about this movie is the "Lesbian Vampire Killers" title. I don't know if they are going for campy fun or just using the title desperately to try to sway horny thirteen year old boys to rent this awful movie, but the movie is just terrible. They obviously are going for the Shaun of the Dead crowd by having British comics and replacing the zombies with vampires, but the jokes in this movie as well as all the actors/characters in it are just painful. I could barely manage to get through this travesty of a film, it was totally un-entertaining on every level imaginable. Main problem was the terrible writing with lazy, predictable, unfunny jokes, but the actors were also hammy and terrible. I can't believe anybody actually put money into making this film.
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Hammer your stake in deep and hard to finally get the yokel.
Cinema_Fan20 March 2009
Lesbian vampires' are not a new toy to ponder with, with the likes of "Carmilla" being written in 1872 and the first lesbian vampire to be put onto celluloid as early as 1936 with "Dracula's Daughter" and of course, the legend that is Hammer Horror had to play their part too.

It's all part of the myth and the titillation of this female blood lusted long toothed vampiric sex appeal, suggestive, as it may have been since her first creation and throughout her life. Examples as "Vampyros Lesbos" (1971) and "The Hunger" (1983) standing to take the more erotic stance than the suggestiveness of a hidden look, a darkened room to hide her pleasure and a moment lost, the censorship's have been cruel to her ways, but the times have now truly changed.

The latest sex-drive of this female fantasy comes along in the guise of "Lesbian Vampires Killers", a guise too, if preferred, in the shape of the old Hammer Film Productions circa of "The Vampire Lovers" (1970), a contemporary version, then, of Sheridan Le Fanu's "Carmilla".

This genre has now been striped down and is a fully loaded parable of the way of the lady vampires', that's lesbian lady vamp, though a somewhat sedate and too laid bare for any real scope of narrative and personality, it is, in the end, a glorified T & A, comic book if at all black comedy.

Phil Claydon (Dir), Paul Hupfield and Stewart Williams (writers') are not unfamiliar to comedy, but this, sadly, just misses the mark. The heart of the matter is that it's a shallow attempt into fooling this genre that it is something it isn't. This fallen toothpick of a movie comes not even close to a forester's grand Oak and all we see here is how the mighty has fallen, not just for this genre but also for British cinema. It's a paint-by-numbers toss-fest of the lowest common denominator, showing no respect for the days of the colourful and camp allure of the decades past, it's a white elephant with little scope to deal with imagination and brilliance. In fact, this dwarf star has so little character that one has to ask, "What is the point?" the point being is that the joke is, intentionally, on us.

It is not we who are having the last laugh here, although there may be the odd titter seen in the occasional one-liner, but this is too stable and controlled for its own virtue and with all what is left there is just "nothingness". The character of Paul McGann ("Withnail & I" (1987) and The Monocled Mutineer (1986 TV series)), as "the Vicar" is the only redeemable trait here, at least there is something worthy of merit, he's a strong personality and he outshines as the foulmouthed "Vicar Van Helsing" the fearless vampire killer styled yokel.

The wasted opportunity to use such an interesting, thought provoking and daring title has really fallen to the wayside, it's a wasted exercise in how to perk the taste buds of interest and then blow cold air into the proceedings to deflate the whole point of parody and homage. Commercial is the word of the day but so why cannot "inventiveness" too be integrated in this sorrowful affair, why? Because it just is not the issue, it just is not the direction that Lesbian Vampire Killers wants to take, this knew which direction to set its mark and it ran with its head down, backside up and billowed in the winds of stale, mediocrity, puerile commercialism.

Ironically, the only factor worth is salt is its title, but, it shall be the contents behind the comic strip that shall bleed itself dry and wilt, if that's the bag your into, then be my guest, you'll only end up weeping in your hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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Glossy but very boring
Framescourer17 December 2010
Like the lad's magazines whose custom base this 'film' is aimed at, there are models posing as actors without much clothing and a pair of unlikely lads cracking post-Pegg & Frost type jokes. The script is indescribably bad, beige chat peppered with hokey, irony-impermeable Medievalisms and stumbling over James Corden's psychotic need to make jokes that he needn't. Employing Paul McGann is an impotent bid for the cult market. The ideas are expended by a third of the way through - a possible digression over the vicar's daughter is wasted and a belated attempt to bring it back from the dead half-hearted. With the exception of the effortfully professional lighting, design and under-the-circumstances photography this is a complete waste of everybody's time and money. 1/10
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Another Rip-off British Comedy
Callum Clark23 March 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Amongst my friends I am sometimes considered a harsh critic, but I think I'm just very accurate. It only takes one look at the overall reviews for this movie to know that there is method in my madness. I watched this film in HD on my mates Sky+HD box. I must admit the picture was impressive, but that does not hide that painful truth that this move is trash. The idea of two blokes on a lads hiking holiday in search for women may sound like the ordinary plot for a comedy, but this really doesn't pull it off. This movie is WEAK, POORLY WRITTEN and NOT THE SIDE SPLITTING COMEDY THAT I EXPECTED. However,in spite of this, this film does provide some cheap chuckles (Note how I use chuckle not laugh) in response to some of the cheap jokes.

Overall: If your looking for a comedy that will leave you in stitches, move along nothing to see hear... But if your one of those types that still think the "S" word is funny and you still laugh at old mans jokes then this is for you
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