Lafayette Reynolds: I know every man, whether straight, gay or George mother-fucking Bush is terrified of the pussy.
Bill Compton: You want to drink the blood they collected?
Sookie Stackhouse: [disgusted] No!
Bill Compton: I understand it makes humans feel more healthy. Improves their sex life.
Sookie Stackhouse: I'm as healthy as a horse, and I have no sex life to speak of, so... you can just keep it.
Bill Compton: You could always sell it.
Sookie Stackhouse: I wouldn't touch it.
Bill Compton: [leans in close] What are you?
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I-I'm-I'm Sookie Stackhouse, and I'm a waitress. What's your name?
Bill Compton: Bill.
Sookie Stackhouse: [giggles] Bill? I thought it might be Antoine, or Basil, or-or-or like Langford, maybe. But, Bill? Vampire Bill!
Lafayette Reynolds: Ya bitches just don't know what you're missin'. I got six gears on these hips.
Dawn Green: No, baby. You don't know what you're missing.You can watch her walk away... make you wanna slap it? Ooo, you wanna slap it?
[slaps her butt as she walks away]
Lafayette Reynolds: Everybody know that. Everybody been there. Ain't that right J-John's been there!
Arlene Fowler: [backing away, hands under her breasts] I'm slapping it. Take these, baby. Peaches and cream.
Lafayette Reynolds: [shaking his hips] I'll give you a little cocoa.
Arlene Fowler: Peaches and cream.
Lafayette Reynolds: Little cocoa.
Lafayette Reynolds: That boy is sex on a stick. I don't give a good damn how stuck up he is.
Lafayette Reynolds: Hey, hooker. How you doin'? What are you doin' here?
Tara Thornton: I work here.
Lafayette Reynolds: [not believing] Oh no, the hell you don't.
Tara Thornton: Oh yes the hell I do too, you ugly bitch! You need to make peace with that.
Lafayette Reynolds: Shit. Sam must've lost his damned mind 'cause you should not be allowed to work in no situation where you actually gotta interact with people.
Tara Thornton: [slaps Manager] That's for pattin' my ass too much! I'mmo get my baby daddy who just got outta prison to come and kick your teeth in!
Sav-A-Bunch Manager: Jesus, Tara. Please don't do anything like...
Tara Thornton: Oh, my God! I'm not serious, you pathetic racist! I don't have a baby! Damn! I know y'all have to be stupid, but do you have to be that stupid? Shit, fuck this job.
Sorority Girl: Hi! Ya'll have Tru Blood? For real?
Frat Boy: You get vamps in here? I didn't even think we had any in Louisana.
Grabbit Quick Clerk: [Cajun accent] You didn't know that New Orleans is a mecca for the vampire?
Frat Boy: Seriously? I mean New Orleans? Even after Katrina? Didn't they all drown?
Grabbit Quick Clerk: Vampires cannot drown. Because we do not breathe.
Frat Boy: Dude, no harm intended. We're just a little drunk.
Grabbit Quick Clerk: Nice. I could use a cocktail.
Grabbit Quick Clerk: [he drops his accent and laughs] Score! I totally had you guys.
Sorority Girl: That wasn't funny!
Grabbit Quick Clerk: Yeah it was.
Frat Boy: Nah, Kelly that *was* pretty funny.
Good Old Boy Vampire: I didn't think it was funny.
Frat Boy: [Faces Good Old Boy Vampire] Well, we don't care what you think.
Frat Boy: [He turns back to the Clerk] Dude, you know where we could score any V-juice?
Sorority Girl: Gross! Brad no!
Grabbit Quick Clerk: How much you need?
Sorority Girl: I knew this girl who knew this girl who did Vamp blood during Greek Week. She like clawed her own face off.
Frat Boy: Seriously, I can pay good money.
Good Old Boy Vampire: Okay, you two need to leave.
Frat Boy: Alright, fuck you Billy Bob!
Good Old Boy Vampire: Fuck me? I'll fuck you boy. I'll fuck ya and then I'll eat ya!
Good Old Boy Vampire: [He extends his fangs. Frat Boy and Sorority Girl run out. Good Old Boy Vampire walks up to the clerk and places money and a case of Tru Blood on the counter] You ever pretend to be one of us again and I'll kill you. Got it?
Grabbit Quick Clerk: [nods, terrified] Yeah.
Good Old Boy Vampire: [Pleasantly smiles] Have a nice day now.
[customer snaps for service]
Tara Thornton: Do NOT snap at me! I have a name, and that name is Tara. And innit that funny? A black girl being named after a plantation?
Tara Thornton: No, I don't think it's funny at all! In fact, it really pisses me off that my momma was either stupid or just plain mean. Which is why you better be nice if you plan on getting a drink tonight!
Sookie Stackhouse: I never thought I would be having sex with you. At least, not so fast.
Bill Compton: [flashes his fangs] Who said anything about sex?
[Sookie wakes up from her dream]
Sam Merlotte: It would only be a matter of time 'fore you went off on somebody. I don't wanna drive my customers away.
Tara Thornton: I only go off on stupid people.
Sam Merlotte: Most of my customers *are* stupid people.
Tara Thornton: Yeah, but... I could help you keep an eye on Sookie. You see the way she was looking at that vampire? That is just trouble looking for a place to happen.
Denise Rattray: [warningly] You don't wanna be on my bad side.
Sookie Stackhouse: I'm not sure you even have another side, you no-account backwoods trash!
Lafayette Reynolds: [taking a good look at her] You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You gotta date?
Sookie Stackhouse: No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.
Lafayette Reynolds: [laughing] Yes, girl. Let's here it! These damn redneck are suckers for packaging.
Sookie Stackhouse: [nonchalantly] And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.
Lafayette Reynolds: [smooth] They ain't scared of you, honey child. They scared of what's between your legs.
Tara Thornton: [to Jason] Oh my God. You are a gigantic parody of yourself and you don't even know it.
Bill Compton: Aren't you afraid to be out here alone with a hungry vampire?
Sookie Stackhouse: No.
Bill Compton: Vampires often turn on those who trust them, you know. We don't have human values like you.
Sookie Stackhouse: A lot of humans turn on those who trust them, too.
[wraps silver chain around her neck]
Sookie Stackhouse: I'm not a total fool.
Bill Compton: Oh, but you have other very juicy arteries. There is one in the groin that's a particular favorite of mine.
Sookie Stackhouse: Hey, you just shut your nasty mouth, mister! You might be a vampire, but when you talk to me, you will talk to me like the lady that I am!
Adele Stackhouse: [to Jason and Sookie] What's a fangbanger?
Adele Stackhouse: [about prostitutes who sleep with vampires] Wonder how much one would charge for something like that?
Jason Stackhouse: A thousand bucks.
Sookie Stackhouse: [in disgust] See, now that just makes me sick.
Adele Stackhouse: I know. What kind of cheap woman could ever do something like that?
Sookie Stackhouse: No, it makes me sick that they're getting a thousand bucks to lay there and do nothing while I bust my ass for ten bucks an hour plus tips!
Jason Stackhouse: Oh, I don't think they just lay there. I think they're expected to, you know, participate.
Sookie Stackhouse: Ew.
Sookie Stackhouse: [seeing Bill for the first time] I've been waiting for this to happen ever since they came out of the coffin 2 years ago.
Tara Thornton: My life sucks.
Sookie Stackhouse: Tara, don't you be fellin' sorry for yourself. That's just lazy.
Tara Thornton: But why can't I keep a job?
Sookie Stackhouse: Maybe because you can't keep your mouth shut.
Tara Thornton: Bitch, who asked you!
Teenage Boy: [in his thoughts] What the hell is this music? I feel like I'm trapped in some hillbilly's OxyContin nightmare. Man, I cannot wait to get the hell out of this Podunk town.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well make sure you do, and before it's too late. Because every year you wait you just get more and more stuck here. Believe me, I know.
Teenage Boy: [in his thoughts] How'd she know what I was thinking. That's weird.
Sookie Stackhouse: [on the phone with Tara] This had better be an emergency.
Tara Thornton: I just quit my job.
Sookie Stackhouse: Again?
Tara Thornton: I can't work for assholes.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I'm glad you can afford to be so picky, Miss Say-Hello-To-The-Rest-Of-Us.
Tara Thornton: Oh, shut up. Sam is not an asshole, and he's totally in love with you.
Sookie Stackhouse: Tara, he is my boss.
Tara Thornton: Jesus, Sookie, you need to lighten up.
Sookie Stackhouse: You know I hate it when you use the "J" word. Now, I gotta go.
Tara Thornton: I'm comin' over. I need a margarita. A big one.
Arlene Fowler: [on the phone with one of her children] Honey, if Rene tells you you're too young to watch a scary movie on HBO, then I'm sidin' with him!
[Sam clears his throat]
Arlene Fowler: I know he's not your daddy, but your daddy does not wanna live with us anymore, remember?
[Sam sighs and backs away]
Sam Merlotte: How you doing, Sookie?
Sookie Stackhouse: [annoyed] I've had better nights.
Sam Merlotte: Yeah? Anything I can do to improve this one for you?
Sookie Stackhouse: What's up, Gran?
Adele Stackhouse: Oh, I was just wondering how old you think the vampire is? The one you met last night?
Sookie Stackhouse: I have no idea. Why?
Adele Stackhouse: You think he might remember the war?
Sookie Stackhouse: The Civil War? Could be.
Adele Stackhouse: Oh, if he does, I would love to have him to come speak to the Decendents of the Glorious Dead. You think he might want to?
Sookie Stackhouse: [amused] I think he might have a hard time showin' up at the public library at noon on a Thursday.
Adele Stackhouse: We could have a special meetin' at night or he could just come talk to me and I could tape his recollections. I'm sure the other members would find it soo interesting.
Sookie Stackhouse: I'll ask him next time he comes in to Merlotte's. If he comes in.
Dawn Green: [about Jason getting arrested] Sweetie, didn't you just know already?
Sookie Stackhouse: [really irritated] I am not psychic!
Bill Compton: [leaning in close] Do you realize that every person in this establishment is staring at us right now?
Sookie Stackhouse: [shyly] Oh, their just staring at me because my brother is in some kind of trouble with the police. Bill, did you know Maudette Pickens?
Bill Compton: I did not. They are staring at us because I am a vampire and you... are mortal.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, who cares what they think?
Bill Compton: Well, I want to make this town my home, so... I do.
Sam Merlotte: [hauling her into his office] Sookie, you're being a very stupid girl!
Sookie Stackhouse: Who asked you? I-I can take care of myself.
Sam Merlotte: [yelling] I don't think so! Mac could have seriously cut you up last night!
Sookie Stackhouse: How do you know what Mac would have done?
Sam Merlotte: Now you're setting up a date with a vampire. What do you have, a death wish?
Sookie Stackhouse: No I don't have a death wish. I just happen to think that judging an enitre group of people based on the actions of a few individuals within that group is morally wrong!
Sam Merlotte: Well, I will not let you put yourself or this bar in danger. I won't!
Sookie Stackhouse: A-am I fired?
Sam Merlotte: No! But next time you think somebody's being harmed in the parking lot, pick up the phone and call the police. Do not go out there alone like a goddamn vigilante!
Sookie Stackhouse: [seeing Bill, excited] Oh, my God! I think Merlotte's just got its first vampire.
Sam Merlotte: [looking over her shoulder] I think you're right.
Sookie Stackhouse: Can you believe it? Right here in Bon Temps.
Sam Merlotte: [to Sookie about being a vampire & synthetic blood] You willing to pass up all your favorite foods and spend the rest of your life drinking slim-fast?
Sam Merlotte: Tara, you know how to tend bar?
Tara Thornton: No.
Sam Merlotte: Fake it!
[handing her his appron and leaving]
Denise Rattray: [venomous] This ain't your business, you stupid cunt!
Sookie Stackhouse: [holding out the knife] Now see that just proves how low rent you really are!
Denise Rattray: You have any idea who you're messin' with?
Sam Merlotte: [seeing her come from the woods] Sookie! Thank God. You okay?
Sookie Stackhouse: I'm fine. And for your information, not all vampires can take care of themselves.
Jason Stackhouse: Hey, how come you didn't tell me you beat up the Rattrays last night?
Sookie Stackhouse: I haven't even seen you since then!
Jason Stackhouse: [to Sookie, after taking some of her lunch] You gonna wear that suit, you might wanna start watchin' what you eat.
Arlene Fowler: [to her kid over the phone] You wanna timeout? 'Cause I can give you one over the phone!
Jason Stackhouse: You know, I read in Hustler everybody should have sex with a vampire at least once before they die.
Nan Flanagan: [about vampires] We're citizens. We pay taxes. We deserve basic civil rights just like everyone else.
Jason Stackhouse: I hooked up with Maudette last night. We had sex. That's all.
Andy Bellefleur: How would characterize the sex?
Jason Stackhouse: [hesitant] Uh... it was okay.
Sav-A-Bunch Shopper: You are a very rude young woman!
Tara Thornton: Oh, this ain't rude. This is uppity!
Tara Thornton: You know how many people are having sex with vampires these days? Sometimes those people... disappear.
Denise Rattray: [thinking, as she's sizing up Bill] Not that big but he's still probably got 11 or 12 pints in him. Holy shit! That's almost 200 ounces! I bet we could get 500 an ounce in Dallas. Fuck me, that's $10,000! Sweet Jesus!
Sookie Stackhouse: [after chasing off the Rattrays] Oh, bless your heart. I am so sorry I didn't get here faster. You'll be okay in a minute, right?... Do you want me to leave?
Bill Compton: No. They might come back and I can't fight yet.
Sookie Stackhouse: [a dog begins to bark and runs up to Sookie, licking her face] Oh! Hey, there, dog.
Bill Compton: He's checkin' on you.
Sookie Stackhouse: That's just some old dog that hangs around the bar sometimes. He must live nearby.
Bill Compton: [still staring at her] Oh, no doubt.
Sookie Stackhouse: [goes to remove the plastic tubing on his arm, and he quickly pulls his arm away] I reckon you're not too happy about being rescued by a woman.
Bill Compton: Thank you.
Sookie Stackhouse: [trys to read him] I can't hear you.
Bill Compton: [louder] Thank you.
Sookie Stackhouse: [kneels down and holds his head between her hands] No, no, no. I can hear you, but I can't... Oh, my stars.
Dawn Green: [on the phone, to Jason] I'm sorry to break it to you, baby but you are not my only source for a good time.
Bill Compton: May I call on you sometime?
Sookie Stackhouse: Call on me?
Bill Compton: Um... may I come and visit with you at your home?
Sookie Stackhouse: Sure. My grandmother would love to meet you. Oh! That reminds me. Can I talk to you after work? I have a favor to ask you.
Bill Compton: Of course. After all, I am in your debt.
Sookie Stackhouse: Not a favor for me, for my grandmother. If, if you'll be up... well, I guess you will be. Would you mind meetin' me around the back of the bar when I get off at... probably around 1:30?
Bill Compton: I'd be delighted.
Hoyt Fortenberry: Yeah, has to be because Jason's a real stand up guy.
Sookie Stackhouse: No, he's not, Hoyt. He is selfish, egotistical and a complete horn dog, but he is not a killer!
Sookie Stackhouse: Your hand is cool.
Bill Compton: Yes. Uh, I'm afraid I'm not as warm as the men that you must be accustomed to.
Sookie Stackhouse: What men?
Sookie Stackhouse: So, what can I get for you tonight?
Bill Compton: What are you?
Sookie Stackhouse: I told you. I'm a waitress.
Bill Compton: No. You're something more than that. You're something more than human.
Sookie Stackhouse: [giggles] I beg your pardon?
Bill Compton: Sookie... that's an unusual name, Sookie. Is it short for something else?
Sookie Stackhouse: Nope. Just... just plain Sookie.
Sookie Stackhouse: What can I get for you tonight?
Bill Compton: Do you have any of that synthetic bottled blood?
Sookie Stackhouse: No, I'm-I'm so sorry. Sam got some a year ago, but nobody ever ordered it, so it went bad. You're our first.
Sookie Stackhouse: Vampire.
Bill Compton: Am I that obvious?
Sookie Stackhouse: I knew the minute you came in. I can't believe nobody else around here seems to.
Bill Compton: [referring to Sam] He does.
[Sam is looking at Sookie and Bill]
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh, don't worry about Sam, he's cool. I know for a fact he supports the Vampire Rights Amendment.
Bill Compton: How progressive of him.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, anything else you drink?
Bill Compton: Actually, no. But you can get me a glass of red wine, so I have a reason to be here.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad you are!
Sookie Stackhouse: What's a fang-banger?
Sookie Stackhouse: A vampire groupie. Men and women who like to get bitten.
Sookie Stackhouse: My stars!
Jason Stackhouse: There's also hookers that specialize in vampires. They drink Tru Blood to keep their supply up, and they keep a bodyguard there in case the vamp gets a little too frisky.
[Sookie and Adele stare at Jason, wondering how he knows so much about hookers]
Jason Stackhouse: I read that in a magazine.