The Office (TV Series)
Product Recall (2007)
Quotes
Jim Halpert: [Jim sits at his desk, dressed like Dwight] Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim Halpert: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on? What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: [in confessional] Last week, I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble, and that is a grand total of $11.
Dwight Schrute: [Back at their desks] You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you.
[Jim takes a bobblehead doll out of his suitcase and sets it on his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim Halpert: [imitating Dwight] Michael!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!
Customer: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau!
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, I'm calling the Ungrateful Biatch Hotline!
Dwight Schrute: [Dwight comes in dressed as Jim as revenge] Pam.
[drums on her desk]
Pam Beesly: [amused] Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight Schrute: [scoffs] I look like an idiot!
[goes over to his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Karen.
[flattens his hair to make it more like Jim's]
Karen Filippelli: Hey, Dwight. Looking sharp.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
[Karen smiles]
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Karen. Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim Halpert: [looks at Karen] Do you?
Karen Filippelli: No. I'm good. Thanks.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
[Dwight imitates Jim's expressions; Jim is impressed]
Jim Halpert: Look at that.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Jim Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Spot on.
Dwight Schrute: [makes some more faces and mumbles] A little comment.
Jim Halpert: Lord, beer me strength.
Michael Scott: Andy, you go.
Andy Bernard: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael Scott: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!
Dwight Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Kelly Kapoor: [singing to the tune of "Hollaback Girl"] This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! This day is bananas! B-A-N-A...
Angela Martin: [cut to Angela taking some aspirin] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.
[Andy has just found out his girlfriend is a high school student]
Andy Bernard: [horrified] Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: Oh, *my* God.
Andy Bernard: I had no idea!
Jim Halpert: [grinning] Well, that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy Bernard: We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Michael Scott: [Michael is making an apology video] "There is no way I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Pam Beesly: One day for what?
Michael Scott: They always give an ultimatum.
Michael Scott: The watermark, it's a one-time thing.
Barbara Allen: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight Schrute: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Andy Bernard: So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim Halpert: Did that really need to be said?
Andy Bernard: Well, not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.
Andy Bernard: [in Andy's car] Beer me.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Andy Bernard: Hand me that water.
[Jim does so]
Andy Bernard: I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.
Creed Bratton: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man.
Jim Halpert: [imitating Dwight] Fact: bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."
Andy Bernard: Give me the beat, boys, and free my little ole soul.
Creed Bratton: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And, of course, the one year I blow it off, this happens.
Michael Scott: If I am fired, I swear to God that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it.
Kelly Kapoor: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is 'cause you're not good at interacting with people.
Oscar Martinez: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly Kapoor: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela Martin: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly Kapoor: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "Customer Service, this is Kelly!" Except don't say "Kelly," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones,
[in an English accent]
Kelly Kapoor: and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Kevin Malone: Oh! Can I be
[horrible Australian accent]
Kevin Malone: Australian, mate?
Kelly Kapoor: [in accent] Absolutely!
Kevin Malone: [in accent] 'ello, mate!
Kelly Kapoor: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Kevin Malone: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.
