Will Ferrell: Megamind
[Metro Man crashes into the observatory, but finds no one present]
Megamind : [from projector] Over here, old friend! In case you've noticed, you've fallen right into my trap!
Metro Man : You can't trap justice! It's an idea, a BELIEF!
Megamind : Even the most heartfelt belief can get corroded over time!
Metro Man : Justice is a non-corrosive metal!
Megamind : But metals can be melted, by the heat of revanchge!
Metro Man : It's REVENGE, and it's best served cold!
Megamind : But it can be easily reheated, in the microwave of evil!
Metro Man : Well, I think your warranty's about to expire!
Megamind : Maybe I got an extended warranty!
Metro Man : Warranties are invalid, if used beyond their intended purpose!
Roxanne Ritchi : [exasperated] Girls, girls, you're both pretty! Can I go home now?
Megamind : Of course. That is, if Metro Man can withstand the full, concentrated power OF THE SUN!'! FIRE!'!'!'!'!
Megamind : Funny. I guess destiny isn't the path chosen for us, but the path we chose for ourselves.
[a solar-powered laser starts to activate]
Minion : [at a monitor] Death ray readying!
Megamind : Let's see if Metro Man can withstand the full concentrated power of the sun! FIRE!
Megamind : [to Minion] Fire!
Minion : [at monitor] Still warming up, sir.
Megamind : Come again?
Minion : Warming up.
Megamind : Warming up? The sun is WARMING UP?
Minion : Just a little more and...
Titan : [on TV] Hey, Metro losers! This is Metro Tower! They say it's supposed to be a symbol of our city's strength...
[shows Roxanne tied to the tower]
Titan : ...but for me, it's a reminder of the day this woman ferociously ripped out my heart! And I hate reminders!
[rips out part of the tower's foundation, swaying it]
Roxanne Ritchi : HAL! Please don't do this. I know there's still good in you, Hal...
Titan : You're so naive, Roxy. You see the good in everyone, even when it's not there. You're living a fantasy. There is no Easter Bunny. There is no Tooth Fairy. There is no Queen of England. This is the real world, and you need to wake up!
[Suddenly, a giant hologram of Megamind's head appears in the sky]
Megamind : You dare challenge Megamind?'!
Titan : This town isn't big enough for TWO super-villains!
Megamind : Oh, you're a villain, alright! Just not a SUPER one!
Titan : Oh, yeah? What's the difference?
[Megamind's giant hologram head opens its mouth and from the inside appears Megamind]
Megamind : PRESENTATION!
Megamind : Here's my day so far: went to jail, lost the girl of my dreams and got my butt kicked pretty good. Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't. How did it all come to this? Well, my end starts at the beginning... The very beginning!
Metro Man : It all started back at the observatory. Roxanne was kidnapped, I was gonna stop you. My head wasn't in the game that day. We were kinda goin' through the motions. So, using my super speed, I decided to go clear my head. Then I realized, we had done this same silly charade our entire lives! I tried to get my mind off how I was feeling, but I just felt stuck. And I started to realize, despite all my powers, each and every citizen of Metro had something I didn't: a choice. Ever since I can remember, I've always had to be what this city wanted me to be. What about what I wanted to do? Then it suddenly hit me: I DO have a choice! I can be whatever I wanna be! No one said that this hero thing had to be a lifetime gig!... But you can't just quit either. That's when I got the brilliant idea... to fake my death! Once your death ray hit, I've never felt so alive. So I borrowed a prop from a nearby nursing school and Metro Man was finally dead! And Music Man was born!
Roxanne Ritchi : Music Man?
Metro Man : That way I can keep my logo!
Megamind : Because of WHAAT?
Roxanne Ritchi : Come again?
Metro Man : I am finally free to get in touch with my true power... weaving lyrical magic!
Megamind : MINION!
Minion : [wounded] I can't see... it's cold and dark, and warm and light...
Megamind : It's me, Minion. I'm right here.
Minion : We've had a lot of adventures together, you and I...
Megamind : We have.
Minion : I mean... most of them ended in horrible failure... but we won today, didn't we, sir?
Megamind : Yes, Minion. We did it, thanks to you.
Minion : Code... we're the good guys now.
Megamind : Code: I guess we are.
Minion : Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm going! I think this is it! I'm going far away...!
[Megamind picks up his friend's body... and drops it in the fountain]
Megamind : What a drama queen!
Minion : You know, I'm feeling much better now! Guess I just needed a swim...
Megamind : [to Roxanne] He had you going, didn't he? Classic Minion.
Megamind : [to Minion] Don't give me that face. He reels you in with that little face! Look at that face!
Roxanne Ritchi : What secrets? You're SOOO predictable!
Megamind : Predictable? PREDICTABLE? Oh, you call THIS predictable?
[pulls a lever that opens up an alligator pool beneath Roxanne]
Roxanne Ritchi : Your alligators, yeah, mm-hmm. I was thinking about it on the way over...
Megamind : [pulls another lever that reveals a hidden gun] What's this? Boom! In your face.
Roxanne Ritchi : Cliché!
Megamind : No! Look! Watch!
[brings down a gauntlet of blades]
Roxanne Ritchi : Juvenile!
Roxanne Ritchi : Shock and awe!
[brings up a chainsaw]
Roxanne Ritchi : Tacky!
Megamind : OH, IT'S SO SCARYU!
[unleashes a cycle of spiked boots]
Roxanne Ritchi : Seen it!
Megamind : [frantic] What's this one do?'!
[unleashes a flamethrower]
Roxanne Ritchi : Garish!
[Megamind breaks down]
Roxanne Ritchi : Okay, the spider's new.
Megamind : Spider?
[sees a spider hanging in front of Roxanne. Minion just shrugs]
Megamind : Uh... Uh, yes, the spyiiiiiider. Even the smallest bite from... "arachnis deathicus"... will instantly paralyze...
[Roxanne blows the spider into Megamind's eye]
Megamind : AARGH! GET IT OFF! IT BIT ME!
Megamind : Let's stop wasting time and call your boyfriend in tights, shall we?
Minion : My sole purpose in life is to look after you!
Megamind : Well, I don't need you to look after me!
Minion : What are you... what are you saying? You don't need me?
Megamind : Let me make it clear. Code: I don't need you.
Minion : You know what? You know what? Code: I'll just pack my thing and go!
Megamind : Code: Fine!
Minion : Code: Fine back! Good luck on your date!
Megamind : I will!
Minion : That doesn't even make any sense!
Megamind : I know!
Megamind : You can scream all you wish, Miss Ritchi! I'm afraid no one can hear you!
[Roxanne just gives him an exasperated look]
Megamind : Uh, why isn't she screaming?
Minion : Miss Ritchi, if you don't mind...
Megamind : Like this!
[does a fake scream]
Megamind : Well, that's a poor lady scream...
[the brainbot in his lap bites his hand, and he lets out a high-pitched scream]
Megamind : AAAAAHHH!
Roxanne Ritchi : [smirking] That's a little better.
[after visiting Metro Man's base]
Roxanne Ritchi : Hey, who needs him? We can beat Titan ourselves! I say we go back to the Evil Lair, grab some laser guns, hold 'em sideways and just go all GANGSTA on him!
Megamind : [removes his cape] We can't.
Roxanne Ritchi : So, that's it? You're just giving up?
Megamind : I'm the bad guy! I don't save the day, I don't fly off into the sunset, and I don't get the girl! I'm going home.
[heads to the prison]
Megamind : All men must choose between two paths. Good is the path of honour, heroism, and nobility. Evil... well, it's just cooler.
Roxanne Ritchi : [smashing debris on Metro Man's head] How could you do this? The people of this city relied on you, and you deserted them! You left us in the hands of... HIM!
[points at Megamind]
Roxanne Ritchi : [to Megamind] No offense.
Megamind : No, I'm with you! Look, I'll pay top dollar for your performance, but right now a madman is destroying our city!
[Megamind returns home after his calamitous date]
Megamind : Okay, Minion, you were right, and I was... less right! We should stick to what we're good at: being bad... Minion?
Megamind : Look, we need your help...
Metro Man : I'm sorry, I really am. I'm... I'm done!
[places his cape on Megamind]
Metro Man : You know, little buddy, there's a yin for every yang. If there's bad, good will rise up against it! It's taken me a long time for me to find my calling. Now, it's time you found yours.
Megamind : [talking to a Drinking Bird toy] I know. Funny. Always thirsty, never satisfied. I understand you, little well dressed bird. Purposeless, emptiness. It's a vacuum, isn't it? It's... What's your vacuum like?
Minion : [bursts in with the Venus de Milo statue] I'm going off the rails on a crazy train, sir!
Megamind : Hey, not now, Minion! I'm in a heated, existential discussion with this dead-eyed, plastic desk toy.
Megamind : The thing about bad guys is they always lose!
Megamind : [catches up with Roxanne] I can explain!... What about everything you just said, about judging a book by its cover?
Roxanne Ritchi : Well, let's take a look at the contents then, shall we? You destroyed Metro Man, you took over the city, and now you've actually got me to care about you! Why are you so evil? Tricking me? What could you possibly hope to gain?
[Megamind looks up at Roxanne sadly]
Roxanne Ritchi : ...Wait a minute. Ohhh... I don't believe this! Do you really think I that would ever be with you?
Megamind : [whispers] ... No.
[as children, Metro Man is given stars from the teacher, while Megamind is made to stand in a corner]
Megamind : No matter how hard I tried, I was always the odd man out, the last one picked, the screw-up, the black sheep... the bad boy. Was this my destiny?... Wait. Maybe it was! Being bad is the one thing I'm good at! Then it hit me: if I was the bad boy, then I was going to be the baddest boy of them ALL!
[sets off a chemical explosion in the schoolhouse]
Megamind : I was destined to be a supervillain, and we were destined to be rivals! The die was cast! And so began an epic enduring lifelong career... and I LOVED IT!
[a gallery of newspaper articles appears, featuring Megamind and Metro Man's battles]
Megamind : Our battles quickly got more elaborate. He would win some, I would ALMOST win others! He took the name: Metro Man, defender of Metro City. I decided to pick something a little more humble: Megamind, incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy!
Roxanne Ritchi : [looking around Megamind's lair] Is there some kind of nerdy supervillain website where you get Tesla coils and blinky dials?
Minion : Actually, most of it comes from an outlet store in...
Megamind : Don't answer that!
Minion : [whispering] Romania.
Megamind : NO! She's using her nosy reporter skills on your weak-willed mind to find out all our secrets! Such tricks... won't work... on ME.
Roxanne Ritchi : [sarcastic] Please talk slower.
Megamind : Temptress!
Roxanne Ritchi : You gave him these powers, can't you take them away?
Megamind : I can't! I lost the defuser gun when I misplaced the invisible car. The night you dumped me. Alone. In the rain... Did you ever look back...?
Roxanne Ritchi : No!
[slams on the brakes]
Megamind : [hits his head on the windshield] OH! My giant blue head!
Megamind : [sarcastic] Whoops, I guess we're here.
Megamind : You're alive?
Roxanne Ritchi : You're alive...
Metro Man : ...I'm alive.
Roxanne Ritchi : But, but... We saw your skeleton! You were dead!
Megamind : Are you a ghost?
[touches Metro Man's face]
Roxanne Ritchi : There had better be an amazing explanation for this!
Megamind : Speak, apparition!
[Megamind flips TV channels in prison]
Titan : [on TV] Hey, Megamind, you and I have unfinished business! I'll be waiting at Metro Tower, oh, and just so you don't get cold feet...
[reveals a captured Roxanne]
Megamind : Roxanne!
Titan : Come on, Roxie, call for your hero to come rescue you!
Roxanne Ritchi : Megamind... I don't even know if you're listening... but if you are, you can't give up! The Megamind I know would NEVER run from a fight, even if he knew he had no chance of winning! It was your best quality!... You need to be that guy, RIGHT now. The City needs you... I need you.
Megamind : Roxanne...
Titan : You have one hour. DON'T keep me waiting!
Megamind : [wounded] I'm sorry... I did the best I could...
Roxanne Ritchi : I'm so proud of you.
[Megamind touches his watch, who is actually Minion in disguise]
Roxanne Ritchi : Minion?
Minion : Surprise!
Minion : He's the real hero!
[points at Megamind disguised as Metro Man]
Megamind : I was eight days old, and still living with my parents. How sad is that? Clearly, it was time to move on.
Megamind : Could this be what I was destined for? A dream life filled with luxury?
[At the last second, Metro Man's ship hits Megamind's, knocking it off course and landing in the mansion that Megamind was about to land in, while Megamind's ship lands in a prison]
Megamind : Apparently not! Even fate chooses its favourites...
Minion : This is about Miss Ritchi, isn't it? You're going on a date with her!
Megamind : [laughs] No, my main man! Get out of town!
Minion : Oh, this is bad... This is bad! You've fallen in love with her!
Megamind : You are forgetting your place, Minion. Now give me the keys!
Minion : What happens when Roxanne finds out who you really are?
Megamind : She'll never find out! That's the point of lying!
Megamind : What's the use of having it all, if there's no one around to stop you?
Megamind : Minion, if I live, I will kill you!
[Disguised as Bernard, throws bomb at the brainbots chasing him and Roxanne]
Megamind : Daddy's sorry.
Megamind : [disguised as Bernard] Roxanne...?
Roxanne Ritchi : Yes?
Megamind : Say I wasn't so normal... Say I was bald and had the complexion of a popular primary color - in a random, non-specific example... Would you still enjoy my company?
Roxanne Ritchi : Of course! You don't judge a book by its cover or a person by the outside.
Megamind : Oh! That's a relief to hear!
Roxanne Ritchi : You judge them by their actions.
Megamind : ...Well that seems kinda petty, don't you think?
Roxanne Ritchi : He misses getting his butt kicked, so he's decided to create a new hero to do it for him. But why would he choose HAL? I mean, Hal is the worst possible candidate!
Megamind : [disguised as Bernard] Wow... That's a lot to take in...
Roxanne Ritchi : It just boggles my mind!
Megamind : I am extremely boggled!
Megamind : Well done! I thought that battle went really, really well! I mean, I have a few notes...
Titan : Notes?
Megamind : But they can wait. You can take me to jail now.
Titan : Oh no no no, I was thinking more like the morgue! You're dead!
Megamind : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! This isn't how you play the game...!
Titan : GAME OVER!
[at the Metro Man Museum, on opposite sides of a raised circular walkway that surrounds a giant Metro Man statue at statue-face height]
Megamind : [holds a bouquet of flowers] I've made a horrible mistake. I didn't mean to destroy you. I mean, I MEANT to destroy you, but I didn't think it would really work.
Roxanne Ritchi : What are we supposed to do? Without you, evil is running rampant through the streets.
Megamind : I'm so tired of running rampant through the streets. What's the point of being bad when there's no good to try and stop you? I had so many evil plans in the works - the illiteracy beam, typhoon cheese, robo-sheep... Battles we will now never have. So it's good to have this time now... You know, before I destroy the whole place.
[activates a timer concealed in the bouquet]
Megamind : It's nothing personal, just brings back too many painful memories.
Megamind : [to a Brain-bot] You there! Yes, you! Bring out the BLACK MAMBA!
Megamind : I can't believe you! All your gifts, and you squander them for your own personal gain?
Titan : Yes!
Megamind : No! I'm the villain, you're the good guy! I do something bad, then you come and get me! That's why I created you!
Titan : Yeah right, you're nuts! Space Dad told me...
Megamind : Look, I'm your Space Dad!
[transforms into Space Dad]
Megamind : You should be more like Metro Man.
Titan : [screams] You tricked me?
Megamind : Don't like that, hmm? Well there's more!
[transforms into Bernard as he slowly backs up into his giant robot battle suit]
Megamind : I'm also the intellectual dweeb dating Roxanne.
Titan : No!
Megamind : And we were smooching up a storm!
[makes kissing noises as he closes his giant robot battle suit]
Megamind : YOU DARE CHALLENGE MEGAMIND?
Hal : Who are you?
Megamind : I sent you to this planet to teach you about honor, justice, and nobility. I am your father.
Hal : So... you're like my space dad?
Megamind : ...Yeah. I'm like your space dad.
Hal : [to Minion] And you are... what?
Minion : I'm your space stepmom! I've had some work done recently.
Megamind : I make bad look *so good*!
[Megamind extracts Metro Man's DNA]
Minion : Sir, I think this is a bad idea...
Megamind : Yes, a very wickedly bad idea for the greater good of bad!
Minion : But I'm saying it's the kind of bad that... Okay, you might think is good from your bad perception, but from a good perception... It's just plain bad.
Megamind : Oh, you don't know what's good for bad!
Megamind : While they were learning "The Itsy Bitsy Spider", I learned how to dehydrate animate objects and rehydrate them at will. Some days, it felt like it was just me and Minion against the world.
Megamind : [to Minion] Now, slam the door really loud!
Megamind : [looks at a jewelled Metro Man costume] Whoa, I remember when he wore that...
Bernard : [accidentally runs into Megamind with his cart; looks up] That's a pretty tasteless costume!
Megamind : Costume?
Bernard : Megamind's head is NOT that grossly exaggerated.
[Megamind scans Bernard with his gun and sets it to the 'dehydrate' mode; Bernard sighs]
Bernard : Oh, and you even made a cheap replica of his dehydration gun. How long - -
[Megamind dehydrates him]
Megamind : Warden, you have to let me out! You have to let me go! Titan has to be stopped!
Warden : Sorry, Megamind, you still have eight-five life sentences to live through. It'll give you plenty of time to think about what you've done.
Megamind : You want me to say it? I'll say it! Here it is, from the deepest, blackest pit of my heart: I'M SORRY!
Warden : ...Not buying it.
Megamind : [sighs] I don't blame you. I've terrorized the city countless times. I've created a hero who's turned out to be a villain. I treated my best friend, Minion, like dirt. But I beg you, don't let Roxanne, don't let this city pay for my wrongdoings.
Minion : [removing the Warder disguise] Apology accepted.
Titan : I think you and I should team up.
Megamind : Wait, what?
Titan : Yeah! With my strength and your big-headedness, we could rule Metro City! I even drew up some new costume designs, see?
[holds out some drawings]
Titan : You'd be the brain, so you'd get a little brain wearing glasses on your costume or something. And since I'm the cool one, I'd have, like, two tanks sword-fighting...
[Running for his life from Titan]
Megamind : I'm calling time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!
[the chaos from the chase causes an oil tanker to explode, throwing Megamind onto the road]
Megamind : Brain bots! Initiate the failsafe!
[Titan is about to punch Megamind, when a round, hollow shell lands on top of Titan, trapping him]
Megamind : [laughs] Guess what, Buster Brown? It's made from copper! You're powerless against it! It's the very same metal used to defeat...
[Titan punches a hole in the sphere]
Megamind : ...Metro Man?
Titan : [rips himself free] You should stop comparing me to Metro Man!
[Titan throws the sphere at Megamind]
Warden : You got a present in the mail.
Megamind : Is it a puppy?
Warden : [holds up a watch] It's from Metro Man: "To count every second of your eighty-five life sentences." That's funny. I never thought Metro Man was the gloating type!... Oh, but he does have nice taste. I think I'll keep it!
[puts the watch on]
Megamind : Any chance you could give me the time? I don't want to be late for the opening of the Metro Man Museum.
Warden : Oh, no. Looks like you're gonna miss it... by several thousand years!
Megamind : Oh, am I?
Megamind : The hero strikes the first blow... but evil returns with a backhand!
Megamind : After a few years - and with some time off for good behavior - I was given an opportunity to better myself through learning, at a strange place called "shcool". It was there that I once again ran into Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes.
[Young Megamind witnesses young Metro Man carry out astonishing feats of flying, super strength, and using his laser vision to cook popcorn for his classmates]
Megamind : He had already amassed a gigantic army of soft-headed groupies. He bought their affections with showmanship and extravagant gifts of deliciousness. So I, too, would make this pop-ed corn and win over those mindless drones.
[Megamind builds and demonstrates a toy robot that accidentally sets fire to the popcorn he is trying to pop. Metro Man puts out the fire and Megamind gets punished]
Megamind : That's when I learned a very hard lesson: good receives all the praise and adulation, while evil is sent to quiet time in the corner. So fitting in wasn't really an option.
[two ships, each carrying alien infants, collide with each other and race to Earth]
Megamind : I set out to find my destiny. Turns out a kid from the Glaupunkt quadrant had the exact same idea. That was the day I met Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes, and our glorious rivalry was born!
Megamind : Where did you park the invisible car...?
[walks into it]
Metro Man : Should've known you tried to crash the party!
Metro Man : Oh, I intend to do more than crash it! This is a day you and Metrocity shall not soon forget!
Metro Man : It's pronounced METRO CITY!
Megamind : Oh, potato, tomato, potato, tomato...
Metro Man : We all know how this ends: with YOU behind bars!
Megamind : [sarcastically] Oh, I'm shaking in my custom, baby seal leather boots!
Megamind : You will leave Metrocity, or this will be the last you ever hear of... Roxanne Ritchi!
[presses a button to show a captive Roxanne on a separate screen]
Megamind : Huh?
Metro Man : [gasps] Roxanne! Don't panic, Roxy... I'm on my way!
Roxanne Ritchi : Yeah, I'm not panicking.
Megamind : [smirking] In order to stop me, you need to find me first, Metro Man!
Roxanne Ritchi : We're at the abandoned observatory!
Metro Man : A-ha!
Megamind : [lunges for the control and turns off the camera on Roxanne] Nooo! We're NOT! Don't listen to her, she's crazy!
Megamind : Let the showdown begin!
Megamind : [disguised as Space Dad] Rise! Rise, my glorious creation, and come to Papa!
[stomping around the city in a giant robotic battle suit]
Megamind : I hear there is a new hero who dares challenge my evil! Where is the one they call Titan? Challenge me, if you dare!
[Metro Man suddenly collapses with exhaustion in the observatory]
Megamind : What trickery is this?
Metro Man : You mad genius!... Your dark gift has finally paid off!
Megamind : It-it has?
Metro Man : These walls... they're obviously lined... with copper!
Megamind : Yeah, so?
Minion : Sir!
[points to the monitor, which shows the death-ray is about to start up]
Metro Man : Copper... drains my powers!
Megamind : Your weakness is copper? Y-you're kidding right?
Megamind : It didn't work? Why didn't the copper work?
Megamind : [disguised as Space Dad] Do you have someone special in your life, Hal?
Hal : No, not yet. But, there's this really, really good-looking one I've got my eye on currently.
[uses his super vision to check up on Roxanne]
Megamind : That's very good. Romance is very inspiring.
Hal : That's what I hear.
Megamind : All you have to do is save her, and she'll be yours.
[a blue baby gargles]
Megamind : Yes, that's me. I had a fairly standard childhood. I came from what you might call a broken home. Literally broken.
[a planetary alarm sounds]