- Stan Smith: [while stealing food at a camp for deaf kids] Hey, I'm gonna just go in the kitchen and steal your food. Marlee Matlin sucks! Ah, you know, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on "The West Wing."
- Klaus: Hurry up, Roger. "Grey's Anatomy" starts in just three minutes.
- Roger the Alien: Don't you think I know that? I'm trying to create a drink that matches the show in both taste and sinfulness. I call it "The Sandra Oh."
- Klaus: Mmm, I'd like to breath her bathwater.
- Stan Smith: Come on, you're not still mad about last night, are you? We met Morgan Freeman, didn't we? You got to shake his hand, Steve.
- Steve Smith: I was prying it off my throat.
- Stan Smith: Boy, was he riled up! You know he was the narrator in "March of the Penguins." Powerful, powerful piece of cinema. Never saw it.
- Stan Smith: Who's the boob? Is that what you call me behind my back?
- Francine Smith: It's just a nickname, honey. It's like "fatty" or "baby penis."
- Stan Smith: Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.
- Stan Smith: What are you mad at me for? I stopped Steve from shooting a deaf kid. I'm a hero.
- Steve Smith: Hero? Thanks to you, I missed a week at school and got addicted to hallucinogenic berries. That's right. They make me see colors and I'm keeping them.
- Roger the Alien: P.S., everyone. There's a wedding. There's gonna be chafing dishes, a carving station and lots and lots of Jews.
- Francine Smith: I'm sorry, are you saying "juice"?
- Roger the Alien: No, Jews.
- Roger the Alien: I'm out of here.
- Mr. Rothberg: Whoa, the wedding's about to start.
- Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, I lied. I'm not an orthodonist.
- Mr. Rothberg: That's okay. You can work for my greeting card company.
- Roger the Alien: I'm also not Jewish.
- Mr. Rothberg: You'll convert.
- Roger the Alien: I'm not even human.
- Mr. Rothberg: Who is?
- Roger the Alien: Oh, you're strong.