Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Robert Downey Jr.: Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes : You have the grand gift of silence, Watson; it makes you quite invaluable as a companion.
[Watson punches him in the face]
Sherlock Holmes : [to Watson] Never theorize before you have data. Invariably, you end up twisting facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
Sherlock Holmes : [voice-over] Head cocked to the left, partial deafness in ear: first point of attack. Two: throat; paralyze vocal chords, stop scream. Three: got to be a heavy drinker, floating rib to the liver. Four: finally, drag in left leg, fist to patella. Summary prognosis: unconscious in ninety seconds, martial efficacy quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery: unlikely.
Sherlock Holmes : You've never complained about my methods before.
Dr. John Watson : I'm not complaining.
Sherlock Holmes : You're not? What do you call this?
Dr. John Watson : I never complain! How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?
Sherlock Holmes : Uh, we have a barter system...
Dr. John Watson : When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms?
Sherlock Holmes : Our rooms...
Dr. John Watson : The rooms! Or, or, the fact that you experiment on my dog?
Sherlock Holmes : Our dog...
Dr. John Watson : The dog!
Sherlock Holmes : Gladstone is our dog!
Dr. John Watson : You've been in this room for two weeks, I insist you have to get out.
Sherlock Holmes : There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all.
Dr. John Watson : So you're free this evening?
Sherlock Holmes : Absolutely.
Dr. John Watson : Dinner?
Sherlock Holmes : Wonderful.
Dr. John Watson : The Royale?
Sherlock Holmes : My favorite.
Dr. John Watson : Mary's coming.
Sherlock Holmes : Not available.
Dr. John Watson : You're meeting her, Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes : Have you proposed yet?
Dr. John Watson : No, I haven't found the right ring.
Sherlock Holmes : Then it's not official.
Dr. John Watson : It's happening. Whether you like it or not, 8:30, the Royale. Wear a jacket!
Sherlock Holmes : *You* wear a jacket.
[in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave]
Sherlock Holmes : That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations.
McMurdo : Oi, we ain't done yet!
[He spits at the back of Holmes' head. Holmes stops]
Sherlock Holmes : [voice-over] This mustn't register on an emotional level.
[in slow motion]
Sherlock Holmes : First, distract target...
[Holmes throws Irene's handerchief in front of McMurdo's face]
Sherlock Holmes : Then block his blind jab... counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate.
[slams his hands over McMurdo's ears]
Sherlock Holmes : Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block... and body shot. Block feral left, weaken right jaw... now fracture.
[a cross to the jaw fractures the bone]
Sherlock Holmes : Break cracked ribs. Traumatize solar plexus... dislocate jaw entirely.
[two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge]
Sherlock Holmes : Heel kick to diaphragm.
[Holmes finishes with a heel kick to McMurdo's chest, sending him crashing out of the ring]
Sherlock Holmes : In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm haemmorraging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head... neutralized.
[Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then does all of the foregoing in about eight seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring]
Sherlock Holmes : It's a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!
[Watson and Mary enter Baker Street to find Holmes hanging from a noose]
Dr. John Watson : Don't worry, dear. Suicide is not in his repertoire. He's far too fond of himself for that.
[pokes Holmes sharply]
Dr. John Watson : Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes : [wakes up] Oh, good afternoon. I was attempting to determine the means by which Blackwood survived his execution - clearing your good name, as it were - but it had a surprisingly soporific effect, and I found myself carried off into the arms of Morpheus like a caterpillar in a cocoon.
Sherlock Holmes : Good afternoon, dear.
Dr. John Watson : Get on with it, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes : Well, cleverly concealed in the hangman's knot was a hook... oh, my, I think my legs have fallen asleep. I should probably come down.
Mary Morstan : John, shouldn't we help him down?
Dr. John Watson : No, no, I hate to cut him off mid-stream. Carry on.
Sherlock Holmes : Well, the executioner attached it to a harness which allowed the weight to be distributed around the waist and the neck to remain intact. Oh, lord, I can't feel my cheeks. Might we continue this at ground level?
Dr. John Watson : How did you manage it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes : I managed it with braces, belts and a coat-hook. Please, Watson, my tongue is going, soon I'll be of no use to you at all.
Dr. John Watson : Worse things could happen.
Sir Thomas : Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am...
Sherlock Holmes : As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves - a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you *really* are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.
Sir Thomas : [recovering as best he can] Yes, well... standard procedure, I suppose.
Dr. John Watson : What of Mary?
Palm Reader : M for Mary. For marriage. Oh, you will be married!
Dr. John Watson : [nodding his head slowly] Go on.
Palm Reader : [looking intensely at Watson's palm] Oh, I see pattern tablecloth and... Oh, china figurines and... Ugh! Lace doilies!
Sherlock Holmes : [pretending to be deep in thought] Mmm... Doilies!
Dr. John Watson : Lace... doilies? Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds?
Sherlock Holmes : No!
Palm Reader : [continuing her prophecies about Mary] Oh, then she turns fat and, ugh, she has a beard and...
Sherlock Holmes : What of the warts?
Palm Reader : Ah, she's covered in warts!
Dr. John Watson : [interrupting the palm reader] Enough, enough!
Sherlock Holmes : Are they extensive?
Dr. John Watson : Please, enough!
Sherlock Holmes : My mind rebels at stagnation! Give me problems! Give me work!
Sherlock Holmes : My journey took me some what further down the rabbit hole than I intended and though I dirtied my fluffy white tail I have emerged, enlightened.
Sherlock Holmes : And chambermaids were once such a liberal breed.
Constable Clark : My wife's a chambermaid, sir.
Constable Clark : Anyhow, it's a good thing she was offended, sir. Otherwise we'd never have found you.
Sherlock Holmes : Yes.
[more uncomfortable silence]
Constable Clark : Just joking about the wife, sir.
Sherlock Holmes : Ah!
[Holmes has been firing a gun into the wall]
Dr. John Watson : Permission to enter the armory?
Sherlock Holmes : Granted.
[He fires again]
Sherlock Holmes : Watson, I am in the process of inventing a device which muffles the sound of a gunshot.
[He yells in pain as Watson opens the curtains, letting sunlight into the room]
Dr. John Watson : It's not working.
Sherlock Holmes : Case re-opened.
Sherlock Holmes : There is a toxin, refined from the nectar of the rhododendron ponticum. It's quite infamous in the region of Turkey bordering the Black Sea for its ability to induce an apparently mortal paralysis. Enough to deceive even a medical mind as tenacious and well-trained as yours. It's known locally as...
Mary Morstan : [noticing] What's wrong with Gladstone?
Sherlock Holmes : ...mad honey disease. Oh, he's just demonstrating the very effect I've just described. He doesn't mind.
[a chambermaid enters Irene Adler's room and screams when she sees Holmes, handcuffed naked to the bed with a pillow covering his groin]
Sherlock Holmes : Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. Beneath this pillow, lies the key to my release.
[the Maid screams again and runs out; cut to later in a carriage]
Sherlock Holmes : Of course, she mis-interpreted my intention entirely.
Constable Clark : Naturally, sir.
Lord Blackwood : Sherlock Holmes... and his loyal dog. Tell me, Doctor, as a medical man, have you enjoyed my work?
Dr. John Watson : Let me show you how much I've enjoyed it...
[He rushes at Blackwood, Holmes holds him back]
Sherlock Holmes : Watson, don't! Observe...
[Watson sees Blackwood's trap]
Dr. John Watson : How did you see that?
Sherlock Holmes : Because I was looking for it.
Sherlock Holmes : There's only at one case that intrigues me at present. The curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings, they appear most... sinister.
Mrs. Hudson : Tea, Mr. Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes : Is it poisoned, Nanny?
Mrs. Hudson : There's enough of that in you already.
Mary Morstan : [Mary asks Holmes to make some deductions regarding herself] What can you tell about me?
Sherlock Holmes : You?
Dr. John Watson : I don't think that's...
Sherlock Holmes : I don't know if that's...
Dr. John Watson : Not at dinner.
Sherlock Holmes : Perhaps some other time.
Mary Morstan : I insist.
Sherlock Holmes : You insist?
Dr. John Watson : You remember we've discussed this.
Sherlock Holmes : [demanding] The lady insists.
[Lestrade brings Holmes, handcuffed, before the Home Secretary, Lord Coward]
Inspector Lestrade : Excuse me, my lord. I know it's unorthodox, but Mr. Holmes here has been making some serious accusations about you...
[Lestrade lifts his lapel, showing a membership pin from the Temple of the Four Orders]
Inspector Lestrade : ...and the Order, sir.
Lord Coward : I see.
Sherlock Holmes : Well, at least that solves the great mystery of how you became Inspector.
[Lestrade turns and punches Holmes in the stomach]
Inspector Lestrade : Begging your pardon, my lord, but I've been wanting to do that for a long time.
[Mrs. Hudson starts to clear space for the tea tray]
Sherlock Holmes : Don't touch. Everything is in its proper place... as per usual, Nanny.
[on her way out, Mrs. Hudson notices the dog laying on the floor]
Mrs. Hudson : Oh, he's killed the dog. Again.
Dr. John Watson : [irritated] What have you done to Gladstone now?
Sherlock Holmes : I was simply testing a new anesthetic. He doesn't mind.
Sherlock Holmes : [ship sinking behind them] Watson, what have you done?
Sherlock Holmes : Data, data, data. I cannot make bricks without clay.
Sherlock Holmes : [as he's fighting one of Blackwood's minions, calls out to Irene Adler] Woman! Shoot him! Now, please!
[Holmes is spying on Blackwood's sacrifice. A henchman tries to sneak up on him, but Watson grabs him and puts him in a hold]
Dr. John Watson : I like the hat.
Sherlock Holmes : Thanks, I just picked it up.
Dr. John Watson : You remember your revolver?
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, knew I forgot something. Thought I left the stove on.
Dr. John Watson : You did.
Sherlock Holmes : I think that's quite enough. You are a doctor, after all.
[Watson feels the henchman's pulse and lets him fall to the floor]
Sherlock Holmes : Always nice to see you, Watson.
Sherlock Holmes : Ah, putrefaction!
Sherlock Holmes : Thre's nothing more elusive than an obvious fact.
Sherlock Holmes : [to Lord Blackwood] I wonder if they'd let Watson and me dissect your brain. After you hang, of course. I'd wager there would be some deformity that would be scientifically significant. In that way, at least, you could serve some kind of useful purpose.
Sherlock Holmes : [Telling a joke to a prisoner] And he said, "May I push in your stool?"
[Holmes and Watson are searching Riordan's house]
Sherlock Holmes : There's one odor I can't put my finger on. Is it candy floss, molasses...? Ah! Barley sugar.
[Watson turns around to see two goons enter, one holding a... ]
Dr. John Watson : ...Toffee apple.
Sherlock Holmes : Let me guess... Judging by your arsonist's tool kit, you're here to burn down the building and destroy all the evidence therein.
Thug : Just one minute, boys.
Thug : Oh, Dredger!
[as Dredger enters, Holmes and Watson look up... and up]
Dredger : Il y a un problème?
Sherlock Holmes : There's only one case that intrigues me at present. The curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying here comings and goings and they appear most... sinister.
Mrs. Hudson : Tea, Mr. Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes : Is it poisoned, Nanny?
Mrs. Hudson : There's enough of that in you already.
Mrs. Hudson : [Starts to clear space for the tea tray]
Sherlock Holmes : Don't touch! Everything is in its proper place, as per usual... Nanny.
Sherlock Holmes : [to Lestrade about the criminals Holmes has just overcome] One for the doctor; one for the rope!
Sherlock Holmes : [Frenetially esiring more relevant information on the case] Data, data, data! I cannot make bricks without clay!
Sherlock Holmes : [to Watson] My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me work! The sooner the better.
Sherlock Holmes : [to Lord Blackwood] You'd better hope it's just superstition, as you performed all the rituals perfectly. The Devil's due a soul, I'd say...
Sherlock Holmes : There was never any magic. Merely conjuring tricks.
Sherlock Holmes : [lifts his coat to dodge a photo]