Tracy Jordan: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.
Tracy Jordan: I think I am.
Maury Povich: Tracy, meet your father, Tom!
Tracy Jordan: No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!
Sally Hemings: Hey, Maury. He's a dog! He's a dog!
Maury Povich: Sally Hemmings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson.
Thomas Jefferson: No matter, Maurice. I am here for you, Tracy Jordan. I rode a horse all the way from heaven to tell you something important. America, which I invented...
[the audience boos, and Jefferson makes a pixelated rude gesture to the audience]
Thomas Jefferson: ... which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the force be with you always.
Jack Donaghy: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz Lemon: Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack Donaghy: Well, they got big laughs.
Liz Lemon: I'm really sorry about what I did. And I know you can't forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today.
Devon Banks: Celebrity snuff. Reality content made exclusively for your mobile phone: Oh what's that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Thanks, PHONE.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I have the results of your DNA test, now, I am very serious about doctor-patient confidentiality, so I am gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.
Liz Lemon: You're worried about that guy?
Jack Donaghy: Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to L.A.
Liz Lemon: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a
[imitating Jack's gravelly voice]
Liz Lemon: "talking like this contest."
[Tracy is trying to avoid a subpoena regarding a paternity test]
Toofer: How do you know it's not your child?
Tracy Jordan: 'Cause I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.
Jack Donaghy: Good God; Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.
Liz Lemon: [facetiously] Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.
[cut to Kenneth sitting in front of Jack's desk]
Kenneth Parcell: So, Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?
[Jack wants a naïve Kenneth to gather intelligence about Devon Banks]
Jack Donaghy: You should get to know Devon; tell him all of your television ideas. You know, he started off as a page, just like you.
Kenneth Parcell: Really? So did I!
[it is the night of Jack's big NBC fireworks show. Liz, Pete, and Floyd watch on TV]
Al Roker: [on TV] Welcome to the "Rockefellar Center Salute to Fireworks." Now, without further ado, three hours of fireworks!
[numerous fireworks surround the building, growing in intensity]
Floyd: Wait, fireworks... in midtown?
Liz Lemon: On a day that's *not* the 4th of July.
[the fireworks continue to gain intensity and a high shot on TV shows what looks like explosions surrounding the building]
Pete Hornberger: [spits out his popcorn] Oh, my God!
Liz Lemon: [dryly] Oh, boy. That's gonna scare a lot of people.
Floyd: I feel more confused and betrayed than those people that worked with Tootsie.
Maury Povich: [after discovering that he is a descendant of Thomas Jefferson, Tracy is dreaming that he's on "The Maury Povich Show"] All right, Tracy. I have the DNA results right here. Are you ready to find out who your biological father is?
Jack Donaghy: Banks is no slouch: He pioneered the concept of ten-second internet sitcoms.
Maury Povich: All right, Tracy, l have the DNA results right here. Are you ready to find out who your biological father is?
Tracy Jordan: I think I am.
Maury Povich: Tracy... meet your father, Tom!
Tracy Jordan: [Jack enters dressed as Thomas Jefferson] No! l hate you, Thomas Jefferson! l don't know who l am anymore! You can't be my father!
Sally Hemings: Maury, he a dog! He a dog and a liar!
Maury Povich: Sally Hemings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson
Jack: [as Thomas Jefferson] No matter, Maurice. l'm here for you, Tracy Jordan. l rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell you something important. America, which l invented...
Jack: [as Thomas Jefferson] ... Which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the Force be with you always.
Liz Lemon: But he was going to church in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. What do you think that means?
Pete Hornberger: It means he probably murdered someone and found God while he was in jail. Maybe he's born-again?
Liz Lemon: Ugh, boy. We'll spend our Saturdays in Central Park trying to "save" gay rollerbladers.
Kenneth Parcell: And I have an idea for a show about a teacher named Art. I call that one "Art School." And one about a Jewish guy who opens an ice cream parlor. That one's called "Ice Cream Cohen." And a drama about two cops, one named Cash and one named Carry. I don't have a title for that one. But then also...
Devon Banks: Kenneth, can I offer you a libation? I have champagne, vodka, absinthe
Kenneth Parcell: Fruit punch, please.
Devon Banks: Right. You'll excuse me. I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Kenneth Parcell: Like in the movies!
[reads questions Jack has prepared]
Kenneth Parcell: So Mr. Banks, what brings you to New York?
Devon Banks: Oh, just making the rounds.
Kenneth Parcell: Hmm. What projects are you working on, near-slash-long term?
Jack Donaghy: I want you to tell me everything that happened last night.
Kenneth Parcell: The curtains open on a group of chorus line dreamers in 1970s leotards. Five...
Jack Donaghy: Stop that. I'm not talking about the show. The only reason I sent you to Banks was to get information. Why were you telling him anything?
Kenneth Parcell: I'm sorry, sir. I had to keep talking just to stop him from putting his fingers in my mouth.
Jack Donaghy: Kenneth, you are the worst gay bait ever.
Kenneth Parcell: You used me?
Jack Donaghy: For television. Kenneth, I humiliated you for television.
Kenneth Parcell: Like on "What's Happening?" when that man used Rerun to bootleg that Doobie Brothers concert!
Jack Donaghy: Exactly. And I need to humiliate you again. I got a very important meeting coming up and Banks cannot be there.
Kenneth Parcell: And you want me to kill him.
Jack Donaghy: No. I need you to distract him. You gotta make sure he doesn't leave that hotel room tomorrow morning.
Jack Donaghy: I'll do it. Just like Sidney Bristow on "Alias," I'll use my sexuality as a weapon. To the wig shop!