Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)
[upon coming home to his house being a mess]
David Seville: Oh my god, Theodore, did you just-?
Theodore: [nervously] Umm, Umm.
Simon: [picks up a small pellet shaped this in front of Theodore] It's a raisin, Dave.
David Seville: Prove it.
Simon: [puts it in his mouth] Mmm-Mmm.
David Seville: Okay, you got me. Look, I wanna talk to all you guys. Where's Alvin?
David Seville: [heads off toward the kitchen] Alvin!
Simon: [quickly spits it out and looks sternly at Theodore] You owe me big-time!
Theodore: [taps Dave's hand] Dave?
[jumps up onto the bed]
Theodore: Are you awake?
David Seville: I am now.
Theodore: I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?
David Seville: Umm...
Theodore: You won't even know I'm here.
David Seville: Ok, sure, but stay on THAT side of the bed.
Theodore: Oh, oh, oh, ok.
Theodore: Guys, I wanna go home.
Simon: What do you mean? You are home.
Theodore: No. I mean home home, with Dave.
Alvin: But Theodore, wake up and smell the toffee. Dave doesn't even want us. He doesn't even care to come to our show.
Mother in Store: [apologizing for her daughter hitting Dave on the head with a box while shopping in a grocery store] Oh, sorry about that. Sorry.
David Seville: Kids, huh?
Mother in Store: Yeah, they keep you on your toes. You have any?
David Seville: Three boys.
Mother in Store: Some days are better than others.
David Seville: ...and then some days you just want to close them in a box, and leave the box in the park, and run away you know?
Mother in Store: [rushes off with her cart]
David Seville: Chipmunks can't talk either.
Simon: Well, our lips are moving and words are coming out.
David Seville: This is not happening. I'm not talking to chipmunks, I'm not talking to chipmunks.
Alvin: So, how's that going for you, Dave?
David Seville: Uhh - uhh, how'd you know my name?
Alvin: Oh, that one? We read your mail by accident.
Simon: You really oughta pay that utility bill, Dave. Ever heard of a credit rating?
Theodore: [turns on the food processor] What's this thing?
David Seville: Hey, hey... hey, hey, turn that off!
Alvin: [turns off the food processor] Sorry.
Simon: [rubs Theodore's head] He fell out of the tree at birth.
David Seville: C-Can all animals talk?
Simon: Well, fish do have this type of sign language.
Alvin: Hey Dave, do all humans have houses that smell like sweatsocks?
Alvin: [singing while squirting soap out of the soap dispenser] Dave likes to wear, dirty underwear, with little hairs...
Simon: We're getting off on the wrong foot. Allow us to introduce ourselves. Hello, I'm Simon, the smart one. He's Alvin...
Alvin: The awesomest one...
Theodore: And I'm Theodore.
David Seville: Oh, that's nice to meet you. Now get out of my house.
Theodore: But... we talk.
David Seville: Which only makes me want you out of my house that much more. It's creepy, unnatural, somewhat evil.
Alvin: I kind of liked him better when he was unconscious.
David Seville: [places a mixing bowl over the chipmunks] Gotcha!
David Seville: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
David Seville: [the boys are singing Funky Town] Hey guys, knock it off. It's 3 in the morning.
[Theodore and Simon stop, Alvin continues to sing]
David Seville: Alvin.
David Seville: Alvin.
David Seville: ALVIN!
David Seville: Ian, they don't want this anymore. Just let them go!
Ian: But the guy just left, you should have said something about five seconds ago.
Ian: [soft voice] Come back.
David Seville: Ian, they need a real life, not all of this. Besides, they just ruined the concert. Word'll get out, and no one will come to see them!
Ian: [places hands on Dave's cheeks] Dave, they're chipmunks, who talk. People will come.
Ian: [to security guards] Guys, with me.
Ian: [singing] Whoa, whoa... that's how we roll...
David Seville: H-How did you guys...?
Simon: We're talking chipmunks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. Not even hard to do.
Alvin: Last one to the door is road kill!
Simon: I'm in!
[Alvin and Simon make a break for the door]
Theodore: [distracted by a Christmas ornament] Hmm... What are these shiny things?
Simon: [goes back to Theodore] Theodore, we're leaving now!
David Seville: [picks up a stack of toster waffles from the under the kitchen rug]
Simon: We put a few toaster waffles aside for winter
Alvin: And we're not sharing!
David Seville: Guys, we're gonna have food all winter so if you start storing it, it's gonna get gross and we're gonna have rodent -...
David Seville: Bad you know... non-talking rodents around here
Alvin: [singing] Don't cha... Yeah, yeah, come on, come on... Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me / Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...
[Dave opens the dishwasher door and Alvin screams]
Alvin: There's this new thing, it's called knocking!
David Seville: Get out!
Alvin: I'm waiting for the rain cycle.
David Seville: [pulls Alvin out of the dishwasher] Out!
Alvin: Hey, I'm taking a shower here!
David Seville: You know, if I made a list of my worst days ever, guess what? Today would be at the top of the list.
Alvin: And it's still early.
David Seville: Clam it, sudsy!
[Simon and Theodore join Alvin on the counter]
Alvin: Look, let me just put it to you like this, OK? I have no job, no career, my house is always a mess, thank you very much...
[up a lighting post, being chased by a security guard]
Alvin: [songsung] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, missed a chipmunk cause you're slow.
[shines the spotlight in his eyes]
Alvin: Yippee-kie-yay, mamacita!
David Seville: Alright, here's the deal; you guys sing my songs, you get to sleep here.
Alvin: [thinks about it] No. Wait! Is breakfast included?
David Seville: [thinks about it] I can live with that.
Simon: What about TV privileges?
David Seville: [thinks about it] Okay, but not after seven.
David Seville: Done. Don't tell you're animal friends, cause I don't wanna come home and find a bunch of rabbits and skunks on my couch.
Simon: Filthy creatures, Dave. Never associate with them.
Theodore: Yeah, you're our only friend.
David Seville: No, no, no, no, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Let's just start with me being your songwriter.
Alvin: Um, let me ask you, have you ever written a song before?
David Seville: Yup.
Alvin: And... is that your music stuff outside?
David Seville: Yup.
[thunder claps reminding Dave that his songwriting equipment is soaked in the rain]
David Seville: Oh no!
Alvin: Hurry back.
Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Where is the moment we needed the most/You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost/They tell me your blue skies fade to gray/They tell me your passion's gone away/And I don't need no carryin' on/Cause you had a bad day/You're taking one down/You sing a sad song just to turn it around/You say you don't know/You tell me don't lie/You work at a smile and you go for a ride/You had a bad day/You've seen what you like/And how does it feel for one more time/You had a bad day/You had a bad day/
Alvin: [pushing the last of the acorns into the tree] It's going, It's going.
[gets sucked in and falls out with all of the acorns]
Simon: And it's gone.
Alvin: [from inside the tree] Whatever!
Theodore: Maybe we should take a break.
[an acorn hits him on the head]
Alvin: That's it! I can't take this anymore! I can't! I give up! I'm sick of struggling for survival! Competing with gophers and earthworms, and that loser sparrow who always takes my nuts! And I'm especially sick of this stupid, stupid... *tree!*
[the sound of a buzzsaw is heard, and the tree shakes]
Simon: Whoa! What's happening?
Theodore: Guys! I think he made it angry!
Alvin: [tries to open a bottle of champange] Stupid cork! Doesn't - Whoa!
[Cork flies into a glass door cabinet breaking it along with some of the glasses in it]
Alvin: Yikes, Ha-ha! Oops!
David Seville: Not gonna say it.
Simon: Good grief.
[Champagne spills all over the floor creating a large puddle]
Claire: Are you still not gonna say it?
David Seville: [tries very hard not to] Nope!
[Champagne puddle becomes a flood that hits a plug outlet, causing a blackout in Dave's house]
David Seville: I'm gonna say it. AAAAAALLLLLLVVVVVVIIIIIINNNNNN!
Simon: [after knocking out Dave] Hmm. He's been out for quite a while.
Theodore: [gasps] You guys, he's dead!
Alvin: Don't panic! Wipe everything down! I'll need three garbage bags, a shovel, some disinfectant, some latex gloves, and oregano. Go!
Simon: Hang on, Sherlock. He's coming too.
David Seville: I must be hearing things.
David Seville: Oh, this is trippy.
Theodore: Sir, are you alright?
Ian: Let's talk about your song, Dave.
David Seville: Well, as crazy as it sounds, the original inspiration came to me...
Ian: The song sucks, Dave.
David Seville: What?
Ian: Your song, it's awful, I hate it. Yeah, I mean, who's gonna sing it? Justin? Fergie? Not a chance. Come on, I need something new, something fresh...
David Seville: But that is new.
Ian: The next big thing. Dave, we go way back. We both come a long way since college. You, not so much. I wanted to like that song, but, you heard it... not that good. If I wasn't your friend, I'd say, "Dave, you go right back out of this office and you keep writing music, you'll get there someday." But I am your friend, so I'm going to tell you that there is no sense in writing songs that no one is ever, ever, going to sing.
David Seville: Ever?
Theodore: [munching on some cereal] This is the greatest day of my life!
Alvin: Eureka! I found the cheese balls!
[Alvin pours out the cheese balls and Simon catches them with a bowl]
Simon: Ughh! Alvin, what are you doing? Don't make a mess!
[jumps into the bowl of cheese balls]
David Seville: Uh, guys, what's this about?
[holds up one of his presentation boards in front of Simon and Theodore]
Simon: Obviously, Theodore's butt.
Theodore: We told you we colored.
David Seville: On my presentation boards? You got me fired.
Theodore: [Dave grabs the remote] We didn't know.
Theodore: [Dave turns off the TV] We're sorry, Dave.
David Seville: Oh, you're sorry? That's fantastic!
David Seville: Sorry doesn't get my job back now, does it, Theodore?
Ian: Alright people, settle in, settle in. It is a very special night tonight. Here at Jett Records we pride ourselves in bringing you tomorrow's music today. Oh, and guess what, I did it again. Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing their new hit single, give it up for Alvin, Simon, and Theodore!
Ian: Dave Seville. Learn the name, look for the face. If he shows up tomorrow night, he doesn't get anywhere near my chipmunks. Got it?
Security Guard: Got it.
Theodore: [climbs on Ian's bed] Uncle Ian?
Ian: [wakes up with a start] What are you doing here?
Theodore: Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.
Ian: Oh... you had a nightmare? I had a nightmare too. In my nightmare, I had to put together 37 dates in 42 days, in 16 countries. And, I had to coordinate 121 radio and print interviews in 5 different languages.
Ian: [picks up Theodore] And you know what Theo, the only difference is, in my nightmare, when I open my eyes, it doesn't end!
Theodore: So... is that a no?
[Ian throws Theodore out the door]
Theodore: Whoa... oh... oh...
[Dave opens window]
Alvin: Uh, were we disturbing you?
David Seville: Y-you guys can sing too?
Alvin: That's not singing, this is singing.
David Seville: This is amazing. Here, everyone inside.
[the three chipmunks jump onto the trash can one by one]
Simon: [almost slips] Whoopsie.
[Dave helps Simon up]
Simon: Thank you.
Ian: [glances outside his mansion] Hello?... Hello?
[Theodore smells Ian's foot and sneezes]
[closes door and heads back to the stairs]
Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Christmas, Christmas time is here / Time for toys and time for cheer / We can hardly stand the wait / Please Christmas, don't be late
Ian: Welcome to Jett Records.
Alvin: [running on a tape recorder spool] This kicks a hamster wheel's butt!
Alvin: [Theodore crashed a RC car] Why didn't the airbags deploy?
Simon: Theodore, don't go into the light!
Theodore: Huh? Phew! Let's do it again!
Ian: You guys better study your French, because we're going to Partis tonight. OK?
Alvin: This is absurd. I feel like P. Diddy with fur.
Simon: And to be honest, the new songs don't really sound like us.
Ian: Well, you know what I think? I think the new direction is perfect, you know? It's all about today's edge.
Theodore: Dave always said it was all about the music.
Ian: [mocking] Dave always said it was all- You know what? Dave-Dave-Dave-Dave-Dave is not here! Okay? It's me! It's fun Uncle Ian! All right? Okay?
David Seville: Spit it out.
David Seville: Spit it out.
David Seville: [looks at card included in gift basket] Jett records.
Ian: Hey, what do you think of this?
[shows Alvin doll to Dave]
David Seville: What is it?
Ian: It's Alvin.
David Seville: That looks nothing like Alvin.
Ian: Well, yeah. It's a prototype. We'll sell a million of those things. It's voice-activated. Here. Say something to it.
David Seville: [grabs Alvin doll] Hello, ugly little Alvin doll that looks nothing like Alvin.
[doll speaks Japanese]
Ian: See? You love it. It's Spanish.
David Seville: You know what? That's just weird.
Ian: [last lines as he's trying to get squirrels to sing] Okay, guys. Come on. Let's try it again. Here we go and sing. Come on. Sing for your Uncle Ian. Come on, sing. Why won't you sing? I said sing. Sing
[stops playing the piano and leaned his head against the keys]
David Seville: What was that?
Simon: Nothing. Nothing. Just a little stage fright.
Theodore: I thought my heart was gonna to explode.
Alvin: We're not performing monkeys, Dave. Why do we have to sing for that guy, anyway?
David Seville: Well, how this? Pretend I need the money and I hate my job and you're staying at my place, so you owe me.
Theodore: We're sorry, Dave.
David Seville: Yeah. That helps.
David Seville: Never mind. I'm late for work.
Theodore: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Theodore: Can we go with you?
David Seville: What, so you can mess that up, too? Uh-uh. You're going home.
Alvin: [nudges Theodore back into the seat] Can I stand at your lap and steer?
Theodore: Ooh! Can we at least beep the... horn? Never mind.
David Seville: [looks at his shopping cart filled with boxes of waffles] Guys, what's all this?
David Seville: You know, I can't afford all these toaster waffles.
David Seville: Well, in case you didn't notice, I don't have a job anym-
[hears the Christmas song playing over P.A. system]
David Seville: My song.
Alvin: All right.
David Seville: [on the phone] Hi, Mom.
Simon: A little situation, Dave. Theodore vacuumed up Alvin.
Alvin: Dave, help!
David Seville: What?
Simon: Well, at least it wasn't the garbage disposal.
Theodore: Just stay calm.
[he gets sucked in the vacuum screaming]
Simon: And there goes Theodore.
David Seville: Look I-I can't do this right now, okay?
Simon: I absolutely understand, but, sorry, Dave? Quick question.
[looks at kitchen sink already filled up with water]
Simon: How do you feel about an indoor pool?
David Seville: Look, if you flood my house, you're dead, out on the street. Capisce?
[hangs up phone]
David Seville: Mothers.
Simon: [reading the attempt letter written months ago by Dave] Dear fellas, I'm sorry, but-
Simon: You should go back to your real home in the forest.
Alvin: I guess he really does want us to go.
David Seville: Why don't we, er, come over here and look at the sales projections? You know, when I first saw these numbers, I thought, there's just no way. But then I looked again.
[he flips the front board down to the first board with Size of Theodore's butt written overtop]
Amy: The size of Theodore's butt?
David Seville: Yeah. Well, wh-why don't we come back to that. Anyway, 10 years ago, the market share for healthy food snacks was imperceptible among six-to-12-year-olds.
[flips next board with How smart Simon thinks he is written overtop]
Ted: How smart Simon thinks he is.
Gail: Yeah, as opposed to how smart he actually is.
Amy: Who's Simon?
David Seville: I didn't...
Gail: Just move along.
[Dave flips the next board with How much Alvin smells written overtop]
David Seville: You know what? I-I think I'll just clean out my office.
Gail: Sounds good.
David Seville: [in his head as he's writing an attempt letter] Dear fellas, I'm sorry but, this isn't really working out. I don't know what made me think I could handle you guys when I can barely manage my own life. You should go back to your real home in the forest. It's what's best for all of us. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but-
[He crumbles the paper and throws it on the floor]
David Seville: Hey!
[Simon passes the breath freshener bottle to Theodore]
David Seville: Look, I know what you guys are up to. Alvin!
Theodore: Breath check.
[He sprays breath freshener in Dave's face]
David Seville: Where's Al - ? Ow!
[he knocks down some things attached to the door]
Claire: Dave, are you ok?
David Seville: Everything's fine!
David Seville: Why'd you do that?
Theodore: We were just trying to help... you have garlic breath.
David Seville: [grabs the breath freshener bottle from Theodore's hand] Well, stop helping. You're ruining everything!
[throws the bottle on the floor]
Alvin: [knocks on door] You should've kissed her, Dave. She really wanted you!
Simon: Alvin, you're not helping.
Alvin: Aw, don't give up, Dave.
David Seville: Go away! Leave me alone!
Theodore: Dave, would you like a cookie?
David Seville: I said leave me alone!
David Seville: It's hard, I know, three months ago you were wandering around in a tree somewhere and, now you're...
Alvin: [sucks air from a balloon and speaks in a low voice] major rockstars!
David Seville: Okay, whatever. Well, my point is, just because you're...
Alvin: [low voice] major rockstars!
David Seville: [releases balloon from Alvin's hand and sits down again] ... doesn't mean that you can have or do whatever you want!
Simon: Well, Uncle Ian said that we should always be happy.
David Seville: Okay, you know what? He's not your uncle!
[pulls the balloons down from the ceiling fan]
Alvin: He also, David, said that we should be making 20 dollars a day.
David Seville: Well, guess what? You're making way more than that. And because I care, I'm putting it all away for you, just like storing nuts for the winter.
Alvin: Ah, winter's for losers!
Simon: Yeah. And shouldn't we be having our say on how to build our investment portfolio?
David Seville: Where is all this coming from? You guys are just kids.
Alvin: Kids, Dave... or rats?
David Seville: What?
Theodore: Well, Uncle Ian said that we're like his family.
David Seville: Oh yeah? Well, if you love Uncle Ian so much and don't think I'm watching out for you, why don't you go live with Uncle Ian?
Theodore: How do you think it's going?
Alvin: Terrible! They're not even sniffing each other!
Simon: But Alvin, Dave said that...
Alvin: Dave needs a little help from the love doctor.
Theodore: And his assistant.
Simon: [pulls Theodore inside the room] Get back here.
David Seville: They're savings bonds. In seven years you will get to buy something really nice.
Alvin: Do you have any that you bought seven years ago?
[after being captured and placed into a cat carrier]
Alvin: You'll never take us alive!
Simon: They just did take us alive, Alvin.
Alvin: It's a figure of speech, Simon. Instead of criticizing me, why not use your big brain to think of a way out?
David Seville: Nicely done, Theodore.
[reading the letter]
David Seville: To Dav... let's see it says Merry Christmas, love Theodore. and i'ts got a nice picture of uh... some pineapples?
Theodore: Those aren't pinapples, that's our family!
Theodore: Who's Claire?
Simon: Claire is Dave's mate. Ooh-la-la.
David Seville: She's not my mate. She's my ex-mate.
David Seville: [frantically tries to clean the house] This is great.
Simon: Dave, slow down. You just go get the food. We'll take care of the rest, all right?
David Seville: Oh, why am I having a hard time believing you?
Alvin: That hurts, Dave. That really hurts.
Simon: Yeah, we're all in this together, Dave.
Theodore: Like a family.
David Seville: No, not like a family!
Alvin: Tick-tock, Dave. Better bust-a-move!
David Seville: Right.
[Theodore giggles and Dave points at him]
Alvin: Is it me, or was he a little mad?
Simon: Hmm... I wonder... is Dave mad? Yes!
Theodore: He really did have garlic breath.
Simon: Yeah, well played, guys.
Alvin: Idea, ding-ding-ding-ding! Who has cab fare?
Simon: Cab fare? We don't even have pockets.
David Seville: Okay, new rule. No going out after nine, and not at all unless I know where you're going.
Theodore: Were you worried about us, Dave?
David Seville: No, I just needed to know, that's all.
Alvin: Um, if you're not worried, then why do you need to know?
David Seville: I need to know, okay?