Martin Freeman: Bilbo
Bilbo Baggins : Good morning.
Gandalf : What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning. Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?
Bilbo Baggins : All of them at once, I suppose.
Gandalf : Well, why does it matter? He's back!
Thorin Oakenshield : It matters. I want to know - why did you come back?
Bilbo Baggins : Look, I know you doubt me, I know you always have. And you're right. I often think of Bag End. I miss my books. And my armchair. And my garden. See, that's where I belong. That's home. That's why I came back, 'cause you don't have one. A home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can.
Balin : It's just the usual; summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.
Bilbo Baggins : Funeral arrangements?
Bilbo Baggins : Oh, up to but not exceeding one fourteenth total profit if any. Seems fair. Present company shall not be liable for injuries including but not limited to laceration, evisceration... incineration?
Bofur : Oh, aye. He'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.
Balin : You all right, laddie?
Bilbo Baggins : Yeah, I'll be. Feel a bit faint
Bofur : Think furnace, with wings.
Bilbo Baggins : Yeah, I-I-I need air
Bofur : Flash of light, searing pain, then poof, you're nothing more than a pile of ash.
Bilbo Baggins : [long pause] Nope.
Gandalf : Very helpful, Bofur.
[Bilbo attempts to sneak out of the cave while the company sleeps but is stopped by Bofur]
Bofur : Where do you think you're going?
Bilbo Baggins : Back to Rivendell.
Bofur : No. No. You can't turn back now. You're part of the company. You're one of us.
Bilbo Baggins : I'm not now, am I? Thorin said I should have never have come and he was right. I'm not a Took, I'm a Baggins. I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have run out my door.
Bofur : You're homesick. I understand.
Bilbo Baggins : No you don't. You don't understand. None of you do. You're Dwarves. You're use to this life, to living on the road, never settling in one place, not belonging anywhere!
Bilbo Baggins : [Bofur's expression falls and immediately Bilbo realizes he has gone too far] I'my sorry, I didn't...
Bofur : [Bofur nods his head and looks around at the sleeping company] No you're right. We don't belong anywhere.
Bofur : I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do.
[He smiles and pats Bilbo's arm]
Bilbo Baggins : Why don't we have a game of riddles... Just, just you and me.
Gollum : [comes towards Bilbo; as Friendly Gollum] Just... Just us?
Bilbo Baggins : Yes... Yes! And if I win, you...
Bilbo Baggins : ...You show me the way out, yes?
Gollum : [nods] Yes, Yes...
[Gollum's pupils narrow as he becomes Treacherous Gollum. He growls as he back into the shadows; Bilbo looks uneasy]
Gollum : [sinister whisper] And if it loses... what then?
[Gollum blinks; as Friendly Gollum]
Gollum : Well... if it loses, Precious. then we EATS it!
[Gollum giggles sinisterly; then he turns to Bilbo]
Gollum : [casually] And if Baggins loses, then we eats it whole.
[Gollum smiles and shrugs]
Bilbo Baggins : [after a long pause] Fair enough.
Gandalf : The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.
Bilbo Baggins : I can't just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins of Bag End!
Gandalf : You are also a Took. Did you know that your Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Bullroarer Took was so large he could ride a real horse?
Bilbo Baggins : Yes.
Gandalf : Well he could! In the Battle of Greenfields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard it knocked the Goblin King's head cleaned off and it sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle was won and the game of golf invented at the same time.
Bilbo Baggins : I do believe you made that up.
Gandalf : Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.
Bilbo Baggins : ...Can you promise that I will come back?
Gandalf : No. And if you do... you will not be the same.
Dori : Mr. Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?
Gandalf : It is raining, Master dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.
Bilbo Baggins : Are there any?
Gandalf : What?
Bilbo Baggins : Other wizards?
Gandalf : There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman the White. And then there are the two Blue Wizards... You know, I've quite forgotten their names.
Bilbo Baggins : And the fifth?
Gandalf : Well, that would be Radagast the Brown.
Bilbo Baggins : Is he a great wizard, or is he more like you?
Gandalf : Well, I think he is a very great wizard... in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals for others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the East, and a good thing too. For always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.
Bilbo Baggins : [as Dwarves start musically banging cutlery on the tables] Careful! You'll blunt them!
Bofur : [Amused] Oh, did you hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives!
Dwarves : [Gleefully singing] Blunt the knives! Bend the forks! Smash the bottles and burn the corks! Chip the glasses and crack the plates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
Bilbo Baggins : [to the trolls, about cooking the dwarves] Well, I mean, have you smelled them? You're going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you can plate this lot up!
Bilbo Baggins : [Bilbo interrupts as Tom the troll about to eat Bombur] Uh... no, no, not... not that one, he... he's infected!
William Troll : [taken aback] You what?
Bilbo Baggins : Yes, he's got worms in his... tubes.
Tom Troll : Ooh!
[Tom throws down Bombur in disgust]
Bilbo Baggins : In-in fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites, it's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't.
Oin : Parasites? Did he say parasites?
Kili : Yeah, we don't have parasites!
Kili : You have parasites!
[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili, and the dwarves realize what Bilbo is doing]
Oin : I've got parasites as big as my arm!
Kili : Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!
Nori : We're riddled!
Ori : Yes, I'm riddled!
Dori : Yes, we are, badly!
Bilbo Baggins : [griping about the dwarves] They pillaged the pantry. I'm not even going to tell you what they've done to the bathroom, they all but destroyed the plumbing. I don't understand; what are they doing in my house?
Elrond : This is Orcrist, the Goblin Cleaver, a famous blade. Made by the High Elves of the West, my kin.
[hands it back to Thorin]
Elrond : May it serve you well.
[unsheathes Gandalf's sword]
Elrond : And this is Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer, sword of the King of Gondolin. These swords were made for the Goblin Wars long ago...
[Bilbo curiously looks at his own sword's blade]
Balin : Wouldn't bother, lad. Swords are named for the great deeds they do in war.
Bilbo Baggins : What are you saying? That my sword hasn't seen battle?
Balin : Not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.
Bilbo Baggins : You're right, I do believe the worst is behind us now.
Gollum : [to Bilbo; after answering the first riddle] Our turn...
[reciting riddle; as he recites, Gollum menacingly creeps around a rock, not taking his eyes off of Bilbo, who slowly and cautiously steps away from him]
Gollum : Voiceless it cries; Wingless flutters; Toothless bites; Mouthless mutters.
[he glares at Bilbo deviously]
Bilbo Baggins : Just a minute...
[Bilbo walks away to think]
Gollum : [his pupils widen; as Friendly Gollum] Ooo, Ooo! We knows! We knows!
[as treacherous Gollum]
Gollum : Shut up!
Bilbo Baggins : [Bilbo sees ripples in the lake, made by the wind; he smiles] Wind...
Bilbo Baggins : [turning to Gollum] It's wind, 'course it is.
Gollum : [prowling towards Bilbo] Very clever, hobbitses... VERY CLEVER...
Bilbo Baggins : [holds out his sword towards Gollum, stopping him; reciting] A... A box without hinges, key, or-or lid... and yet, golden treasure inside is... hid.
Gollum : [Gollum creeps away to think; as he is thinking, he begins to mutter and whisper to himself] Box... um uh... Box... lid... and a key...
Bilbo Baggins : Well?
Gollum : [annoyed; pointing at Bilbo] It's nah-stee.
[He continues to whisper to himself]
Bilbo Baggins : Give up?
Gollum : [strained] Oh, give us a chance, precious! Give us a CHANCE!
[Gollum continues to groan, growl, grunt and hiss in frusteration. As he thinks, he makes faces; making "oo" sounds and blowing raspberry sounds with his lips stretched when suddenly, his eyes open wide and his mouth is agape]
Gollum : *EGGSES!*
[Gollum chuckles as Bilbo shakes his head, dismayed]
Gollum : Eggses! Wet, crunchy little eggses! Grandmother taught us how to suck them, yes! heh, heh...
Bilbo Baggins : [as four dwarves start rearranging his kitchen, his doorbell rings again] Oh no. No. There's nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There're far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If this is some cluthead's idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in VERY poor taste!
[He opens the door, and eight dwarves fall in a heap in front of him]
Bilbo Baggins : [1st riddle] Thirty white horses, on a red hill; First, they champ. Then they stand; the, they stand still.
[Gollum pauses; thinking]
Gollum : [unsure] Uh... Teeth?
[Bilbo looks defeated]
Gollum : [excitedly] TEETH!
[Gollum laughs; Bilbo smiles half-heartedly]
Gollum : Yes! my precious!
Gollum : [very serious] But we, we... we only have... NINE.
[He bares his nine, crooked, yet sharp teeth; to show emphasis]
Bilbo Baggins : [feeling the One Ring in his pocket; to himself] What... have I got... in my pocket?
[Gollum; who is crouching on a stalagmite, holding a rock he is meaning to throw at Bilbo, scowls, thinking Bilbo's question as a riddle]
Gollum : That's not fair... That's not fair! It's against the *rules*!
[In a hissy fit, Gollum throws the rock down. Bilbo looks on in amazement]
Gollum : [pouting] Ask us another one!
Bilbo Baggins : [points his sword at Gollum] No, no. You said, "ask me a question." Well, *That* is MY question. "What Have I Got In My Pocket?"
[Gollum growls in reluctance as he jumps down from his stalagmite perch and crouches on the floor beside his hideout]
Gollum : [holding up only two fingers] It must give us three guesses, precious! It must give us *three*!
Bilbo Baggins : Three guesses, very well. Guess away!
Gollum : [holds up his hands] Handses!
Bilbo Baggins : [shows Gollum that his left hand is out of the pocket] Wrong. Try again.
[Gollum groans in frustration]
Gollum : [rummaging through his belongings in his hole; to himself] I've got Fishses bones, Goblinses bones, Bat's wings, food...
[He growls; thinking hard; he slaps his hands down repeatedly when... ]
Gollum : [shouts] *KNIFE*! Oh, shut up!
Bilbo Baggins : Wrong again. Last guess.
Gollum : String... or nothing!
Bilbo Baggins : Two guesses at once. Wrong both times.
Gollum : [groans; defeated] Ooooooohhh...
[as he groans; Gollum flops on his side. He lies in a fetal position as he sobs softly]
Gollum : [searching for "his precious"; the one ring; wails in despair] Lost! My precious is LOOOOSSST!
[Gollum lets out a gasping sob; Bilbo takes the One Ring out of his pocket and hides it behind his back]
Bilbo Baggins : [concerned] What have you lost?
Gollum : [crying] Mustn't ask us! Not its business! Noooo... Gollum! Gollum!
[Gollum sobs softly]
Bilbo Baggins : [swinging his sword at Gollum] *Keep* your distance! *I'LL* use this... if I have to!
Bilbo Baggins : I've never stolen a thing in my life.