Doug Heffernan: We didn't have sex in the technical sense.
Deacon Palmer: You didn't have sex in ANY sense.
Doug Heffernan: I should go out and have a real affair just to show her!
Deacon Palmer: You serious?
Doug Heffernan: Nah, sounds like a lot of work.
Doug Heffernan: She called last night and, uh, well, we talked.
Deacon Palmer: Well, why didn't you just tell her you weren't the same guy?
Doug Heffernan: I tried, but Carrie was standing right there
Deacon Palmer: So now she thinks you ARE the Doug Heffernan she slept with?
Doug Heffernan: Yes, and I may have told her I love her.
Deacon Palmer: Wow, you know for someone who's done nothing wrong, you've dug yourself quite a hole here.
Carrie Heffernan: [on machine] It's me. Listen, real quick, there's a pie in the fridge. It's for my book club, please don't touch it. Doug... please.
Spence Olchin: I was in the other day. I told her I was allergic to peanuts, and Sienna remembered.
Danny Heffernan: That doesn't mean she's into you, alright. It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen.
Ken: [on answering machine] Hi, it's Ken. I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I met on Fire Island last Sunday. Anyway, I'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee. Call me.
Carrie Heffernan: What's going on here, Doug?
Doug Heffernan: THAT you believe?
Jessica: [on machine] I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you.
Kelly: [Kelly and Carrie laugh] She did not just say "quiver."
Carrie Heffernan: She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him!
[they laugh even more]