Barney Stinson: One time I met a girl... at this very bar...
Barney Stinson: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough...
Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney Stinson: Anything.
Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some?
Barney Stinson: Of course...
Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels!
[back... to reality]
Ted Mosby: So, did you do it ?
Barney Stinson: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair.
Ted Mosby: Which one were you ?
Barney Stinson: [looking askance] I'd rather not say.
Ted Mosby: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric; is it foreign or something?
Barney Stinson: Wow... it is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted! It's Moroccan, actually.
Ted Mosby: Whoa...
Carl: [Carl interrupts from the bar] I've got a phone call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
Barney Stinson: [to Ted] You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
Robin Scherbatsky: What's up, Swarles?
Barney Stinson: No, okay? No! No more! I will not let this become a thing! It's OVER! No more "Swarley!" No "Swarles!" No more "Swar-LAY!" No more "Swar - wait for it - LEE!" No more "Bob Swarleyman!" No more! No! It's over! Do you understand?
Barney Stinson: Thank you.
[walks away, unaware of a "CALL ME SWARLEY" sign on his back]
Ted Mosby: [about Chloe] So, she's needy crazy. That's one of the worst kinds.
Barney Stinson: I've had one of those. Makes up stories to get attention. Went out with her for three weeks, her dad died twice.
Marshall Eriksen: Guys, she was really freaked out, okay? Maybe the story is true.
Barney Stinson: What in the world would make you believe that's a true story?
Marshall Eriksen: She's really hot.
Carl: Hey, there's a call for Swarls Barkley. Swarls Barkley?
Robin Scherbatsky: [Taking the phone] Hey, Ted. No he's not here. Nice one though. Remember that one
Ted Mosby: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall Eriksen: Yep.
Barney Stinson: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted Mosby: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name!
[in a sing-song voice]
Ted Mosby: Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney Stinson: [In a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Marshall Eriksen: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
Ted Mosby: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
Barney Stinson: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...
[sees Marshall and Ted smile]
Barney Stinson: Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar!
[leaves the coffee shop angerly]
Ted Mosby: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall Eriksen: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.
Barney Stinson: [about the girl Marshall's going on a date with] She's got the... 'Crazy Eyes'.
Ted Mosby: Dude... the eyes... they're CRAZY.
Marshall Eriksen: What are you guys talking about; the 'Crazy Eyes'?
Barney Stinson: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted Mosby: Nope, just pupils.
Barney Stinson: It's an indicator of future mental instability
Marshall Eriksen: She does not have the crazy eyes.
Ted Mosby: You just can't see it because you're afflicted with "haven't been laid in a while" blindness.
Ted Mosby: [Commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke] Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out!
Marshall Eriksen: [Unsure] You think?
Ted Mosby: Yeah! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Ted Mosby: [Robin's apartment, Robin is on the phone] Hey, guess what? Oh, sorry.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's only my mom. She's just rambling on like always. What happened?
Ted Mosby: Marshall asked out a girl.
Robin Scherbatsky: Wow.
[On the phone]
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, if anything, that's Dad's fault. That'll keep her going a while.
Wendy: You all done with that, Ted?
Ted Mosby: Yeah.
Barney Stinson: Ned. I told you to call him Ned.
Ted Mosby: [At Barney] That is just... sad.
Wendy: Sorry, Swarley.
Narrator: Now, kids, I know Lily hiding in the apartment while Marshall was on a date with another girl seems pretty crazy, but when you hear her side of the story, well, it's still pretty crazy.